Thursday, August 11, 2016

Pirates, Placenta and Painting. Oh MY!

I have great news!  My placenta has finally moved enough for a vaginal birth.  Isn't that exciting?

This is what my life has become.  Excitement over my placenta.  If 29 year old me could see 39 year old me right now, she'd be rolling her eyes so hard she'd give herself a brain aneurysm and then immediately get on birth control.

Then 39 year old me would say to 29 year old me, "But wait, LOOK!  Look at how adorable our parasitic little fetus is!  He stretches and kicks and swims around like he's the next Michael Phelps!".

At which point, 29 year old me would threaten to push 39 year old me down a flight of stairs if I didn't shut up about the damn baby already.

But guys.  Look!  Just LOOK at how adorable my teeny is.  He is currently 2lbs, the size of an eggplant, and I've never been more in love with someone who resembles a legume more than a human.  I get to meet him in 13 weeks, and 6 days.  Because he's totally going to follow the schedule.  Babies always do.

I've been reading a lot of information about babies lately and it's come to my attention, they require a lot of stuff.  Probably a lot of unnecessary stuff but still, you need a place to stash said stuff.

So when my Sister decided to get rid of an old dresser, I plucked it up in a misguided attempt at being crafty.  The direct result of too many hours spent on Pinterest.   I was going to refinish a dresser!!

  Much like a coke fiend desperately snatching up a bag of powdered sugar, I was simply so stoked to do this project for babykins, I didn't pause long enough to really take a look at I was getting.

Which turned out to be layers of hatred stapled together with regret and misery.

Doesn't look too bad.  At first. 

How hard could it possibly be?  And honestly, it probably wouldn't have been that difficult, if I hadn't attempted to do this in the middle of the summer.  Outside.  In triple digit weather.  While five months pregnant.  Idiot.

I poured orange goop on it to loosen up the layers of paint.
I scraped the layers of paint off.

I used mineral spirits to scrape more paint off.  At least, I think that's what I'm doing here.  I can't even remember anymore this damn project took so effing long.

I used power tools and sand paper to get MORE paint off.  Why were there so many layers of paint??

I scoured the googlywebs for a silhouette of a ship that didn't look overly complicated and had Erik print it off for me which I then taped together, cut out, and placed it on the freshly painted dresser of doom to be traced. 

It looks black in the picture but I chose a dark blue against the white for the ship, which I then sanded the hell out of to "distress it".  Which is actually code for covering up my crap paint job.

After adding a clear coat of polycrylic, I screwed on the cute hardware I found at Hobby Lobby.

Pretty sure these pulls are found on any self-respecting pirate ship.

Obviously I HAD to have these little sea urchins on there as well.  Obviously.

BEHOLD THE FINAL MASTERPIECE!!!  Move over Martha, there's a new broad in Federal Prison Camp!

I'm not super duper happy with it and if I hadn't been so utterly sick of looking at the stupid thing on the back porch for the last two months, I would have sanded it even more and done one more coat of the polycrylic but alas, apathy and heat stroke has won the day yet again.

Six month mark and growing!

I had a heart to heart with the teeny and he said he understood, I tried my best, and he accepts my sacrifice.   I feel it's imperative he get used to low expectations from the start.