Monday, October 20, 2014

Bitter Is The New Black

So, I got fired.  Two weeks ago.  From a job I've had for 7 years.  I was summoned to the conference room on the top floor where they gave me the news.  I listened to what they had to say and didn't question, argue, or most importantly, cry.  I declined to sign their paperwork and was then escorted out of the building. 

I've often wondered what people do all day if they don't have a job to go to.  I don't think I've ever been busier.  I'm not exactly sure how I ever got anything done when 8 hours of my day was spent in an office doing work for other people.

Today, I slowed down.  I had lunch at the park with a good friend while we played fetch with Milo and just were.  I declared I was going to spend the rest of the day there, at the park, with my dog.  Which of course I didn't because there were multiple things at home that I needed to get done.  None of which I did.  I got home, sat down at my computer, and then made the mistake of thinking.

My first job ever, I lied on the application and stated I was legally of age to work there.  I wasn't.  I was 15.  I've been working ever since and have never been fired from a job in my entire existence.  I think today it finally hit me.  This was a job I actually took pride in.  ME.  Taking pride in something rather than my usual apathetic, sarcastic dismissive self.  I KNEW I did my job well and it was stressful and difficult and caused me to wake up in the middle of the night and gave me an ulcer and an innumerable supply of cold sores and half my hair is now white.  As frustrating as the position was, I felt good about what I did there.  And now?  I'm unemployed!  I'm having a hard time wrapping my brain around this fact.  I had to file for unemployment.  As in, I'm getting free money for doing nothing while I search for another job.  Which I'm ridiculously grateful for.  And feeling ridiculously guilty about.  Though I haven't taken the time to work out why.  Being busy has kept me from having to actually process everything that's been happening.  But it's caught up with me today.  And it's brought me to tears. 

I'm posting this entire mess in an effort to purge some of this bullshit I'm feeling.  I'm hoping getting it out will help me move forward.  Does that actually work?  I was supposed to go see Thriller tonight at Kingsbury Hall at the U of U.  I decided instead that I didn't want to leave the house again today.  So I didn't.  Instead, I decided to wallow.  Wallowing sucks.  It's self-indulgent and pathetic.  But today, I needed it.  Or wanted it, I suppose is more accurate.  Plus, it's Monday.  And Monday's just suck in general.

But OH!!!!!  Oh guys!!!  On the upside?  I received this heartfelt card from my former employers.  Two days after being fired.

 They're pretty thoughtful like that.