Monday, October 20, 2014

Bitter Is The New Black

So, I got fired.  Two weeks ago.  From a job I've had for 7 years.  I was summoned to the conference room on the top floor where they gave me the news.  I listened to what they had to say and didn't question, argue, or most importantly, cry.  I declined to sign their paperwork and was then escorted out of the building. 

I've often wondered what people do all day if they don't have a job to go to.  I don't think I've ever been busier.  I'm not exactly sure how I ever got anything done when 8 hours of my day was spent in an office doing work for other people.

Today, I slowed down.  I had lunch at the park with a good friend while we played fetch with Milo and just were.  I declared I was going to spend the rest of the day there, at the park, with my dog.  Which of course I didn't because there were multiple things at home that I needed to get done.  None of which I did.  I got home, sat down at my computer, and then made the mistake of thinking.

My first job ever, I lied on the application and stated I was legally of age to work there.  I wasn't.  I was 15.  I've been working ever since and have never been fired from a job in my entire existence.  I think today it finally hit me.  This was a job I actually took pride in.  ME.  Taking pride in something rather than my usual apathetic, sarcastic dismissive self.  I KNEW I did my job well and it was stressful and difficult and caused me to wake up in the middle of the night and gave me an ulcer and an innumerable supply of cold sores and half my hair is now white.  As frustrating as the position was, I felt good about what I did there.  And now?  I'm unemployed!  I'm having a hard time wrapping my brain around this fact.  I had to file for unemployment.  As in, I'm getting free money for doing nothing while I search for another job.  Which I'm ridiculously grateful for.  And feeling ridiculously guilty about.  Though I haven't taken the time to work out why.  Being busy has kept me from having to actually process everything that's been happening.  But it's caught up with me today.  And it's brought me to tears. 

I'm posting this entire mess in an effort to purge some of this bullshit I'm feeling.  I'm hoping getting it out will help me move forward.  Does that actually work?  I was supposed to go see Thriller tonight at Kingsbury Hall at the U of U.  I decided instead that I didn't want to leave the house again today.  So I didn't.  Instead, I decided to wallow.  Wallowing sucks.  It's self-indulgent and pathetic.  But today, I needed it.  Or wanted it, I suppose is more accurate.  Plus, it's Monday.  And Monday's just suck in general.

But OH!!!!!  Oh guys!!!  On the upside?  I received this heartfelt card from my former employers.  Two days after being fired.

 They're pretty thoughtful like that. 

32 comments:

  1. This reflects a lot of what I was feeling when I got let go from my job earlier this year. Except the card part. That's just fucked up.

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    1. I'm sorry you didn't get a card Mir. That's just rude. ;)

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  2. WTF is with that card?!

    Hopefully in some half lazy effort to help I'd share that every time I've quit or been laid off from a job my situation has only improved.

    There are certainly better things on your horizon.

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    1. For sure Griffin. And that's what I need to keep in mind. I wasn't happy there and hadn't been for a long time.

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  3. Oh! I am so sorry this happened to you! I know you were a hard worker, and super good at your job! I was laid off in 2003, and I'll never forget the pain I felt. It was like my entire self worth was tied to that job.
    I know everyone tells you this, but there's a reason this happened. You can't see it yet, but there is, trust me.
    Drop me a FB line if you need ANYTHING!

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    1. Thank you sweet Dawn!! It's weird isn't it? It's a job I didn't even particularly LIKE. Just so many bizarre emotions. I think I do know the reason all of this is happening. It's necessary but not by any means enjoyable.

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  4. As someone who has been laid off numerous times, I can tell you it does suck. But every time it happened I moved on to something better. But while it is happening and until that better opportunity comes along, it sucks big time! - Karen

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    1. You are absolutely right Karen! It will get better but it is kinda sucky.

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  5. 1. I'm so sorry! That is such a bummer. :(
    2. Girl, don't feel guilty at ALL about getting unemployment. It's an insurance that you pay into when you do work, just like medical insurance or car insurance. You wouldn't feel guilty about using your medical insurance at the dr, right? You deserve it.

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    1. 1. Thanks Gia. :)
      2. They actually denied my unemployment so the guilt was immediately replaced with annoyance.
      3. Appeal hearing is tomorrow. Fingers crossed.

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  6. I feel extremely weird about the whole card on top of the mess of this... Like, seriously, very weird. And I wish I could hug away your tears. No one worked harder than you and to feel pride in the work you did & did SO well should be an understatement. You're an amazing person, friend & worker! <3 and miss you!

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    1. Wasn't that just the best?? You're fired! But thanks for all your hard work!
      Thank you for your sweet words Em. I miss you too and hope you're doing okay there in your mini prison. Those costumes were so perfect!

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  7. Oh that is seriously one of the worst feelings; I'm so sorry Dawn. But it does get better. I agree with what Gia says about the insurance--she's a smart girl! That card is effed up though. They should do something about the person who sent it...just sayin'.
    You will do great things from here on out. I guarantee it.

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    1. Thanks TriGirl! And agreed, Gia is a very smart girl. :)
      That place is like no other place I've ever worked. The card is just the tip of the iceberg.

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  8. Aww no, I'm sorry to hear that.You know it's not you, right? As someone who was passive-aggressively fired (they offered me a part time job instead, forcing me to quit, hoping I wouldn't file for unemployment, they were wrong), it took me a bit to understand that the job was not my identity and now I have a job that, while it doesn't pay as well, makes me infinitely happier. This is what I hope for you, something better and more fulfilling. Also, for what it's worth, I don't think they'd be able to track it back to you if somehow someone flung a certain non-human's feces gets flung in a certain horrible person's face. Just a suggestion. A fantastical, not at all realistic or considerable suggestion.

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    1. Well now I feel like I've been broken up with. It's not you, it's us. Oh wait, no, it's definitely you.
      I absolutely love your totally not at all realistic suggestion and thank you, as always, for the laugh.

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  9. You shouldn't be too upset. Working to make other people rich just sucks. Maybe if you think of it as you were once a slave and now you are free you might feel better. But then again, there are bills to pay. I'm probably not helping much.

    You should milk that unemployment as long as you can. Uncle Sam has been stealing your money for years...it's time to take some of it back and enjoy your free time!

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    1. HA! Yes, your comment is helping. Although the reminder that my bills are coming up again isn't my favorite thing to think about.

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  10. For my dad's generation you worked somewhere and were loyal to the company because the company was loyal to you. You worked there your entire career and drew a pension. Today you can't be loyal to anyone because no one is loyal to you. Every company 'leader' in America is looking to jack up the bottom line today and to hell with tomorrow. If they think they can make an extra $5 by laying off 400 employees, all of whom they will need later, they'll go ahead and let them all go. Let tomorrow take care of itself. And if they can find some excuse to report to The State that they fired them with cause so they don't have to pay out anything, they'll gladly do so even if they have to lie to do it. This is the America we live in now. It's a post-Christian era where its every man for himself. I'm sorry you're going through this. It sucks big fat donkey dicks. I wish I knew a solution. We're in a leaderless nation ruled by total morons. That's true both of the politicians and the corporate CEOs.

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    1. You're absolutely right. I remember those days. My Grandparents stayed with their same employer for ever until retirement. Not even remotely the case anymore. Loyalty is not rewarded.

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  11. Damn! What assholes??!!! I'm sorry that happened. I know it's been some time so I hope it's gotten better. You have to go through a weird grieving process after losing a job. I hope it goes by quickly for you. You deserve better!

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    1. Thanks Brandy! It's been an odd month for sure.

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  12. I feel for you. I worked 5 years for an employer like that once. For my 5th year anniversary they asked me what I wanted and offered me a few choices. I chose the clock. When it came time to deliver my clock, my brand new manager kept it for himself and laid me off. He was a raging sociopath. Friends told me that after I left he was demoted 4 different times. But still, they never fired him. They basically locked him in an office in the basement, like the guy with the stapler in "Office Space", and prohibited him from speaking to anyone except one guy who would handle all of his interaction with other employees. He still has my clock.

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    1. Woah. That's really odd. I wonder what it is about companies steadfastly refusing to fire the sociopaths? I'll never understand it.
      "He still has my clock". I'm sorry, but that made me laugh. What a dick.

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  13. Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that! While I sometimes fantasize about getting fired so I could get the heck out of there, I know the reality would be so hard. And, wow, the card.

    Hopefully this will be an amazing opportunity to find a really awesome job and head in a new direction!

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    1. Thanks Kinely! Knowing that I don't ever have to ever step foot in that place again has been pretty liberating.

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  14. That is bummer for sure. I have been there too. This was a good read though, and I can tell your head is getting to the right place ahead of schedule. Keep your head up, kid. : )

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    1. Thanks Kenneth. Definitely trying!! :)

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  15. And who is Alaa Sami? And does anyone read Arabic?

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  16. Just stopping by to wish you a Happy New Year.

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  17. How's things shaking in the hood?

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