Sunday, April 14, 2013

Asians Are Awesome

I started 7th grade at a new school in Ontario, Canada.  Just a few months into the school year we moved to Florida where I started at another new school.
After realizing the joke of an excuse Florida was trying to pass off as an educational system, my parents pulled me out of that school and home schooled me the rest of the year.
 8th grade, found me starting another new school where I often sat alone at lunch with my nose buried in a book to distract myself from realizing how lonely and awkward I felt.
 9th grade, yep, another new school.  I recall one class period sitting at the table with the other two class misfits while the other table was packed with the popular girls.
At one point during class, one of the cool girls called over to me, “Dawn, there’s room over here.  Come sit with us”.  After quickly getting over the initial shock of being addressed by name, I responded with “Oh, thank you but I’m okay over here”.
 Before cool girl could respond, misfit #2 piped up with, “I’ll come over”, and quickly grabbed her stuff and crossed the great divide from misfit table to cool girl table while I focused on picking my jaw up off the ground.
The hell?  While initially I thought I turned down the invitation because I didn’t want Misfit #1 & #2 to feel bad about being left behind, years later I think the real reason if purely selfish.

 I prefer the company of misfits.  Not only do I feel more comfortable, they’re astonishingly more intriguing.  Not that Stepford wives can’t be intriguing.

Except they can’t.

My point is, I like weirdos.  I tend to gravitate toward the oddballs and choose to spend my time with the misfits of the world.  If you're one of my real life friends who happen to be reading this, I'm sorry, but you're a big giant weirdo and I love you for it.

Which brings us to Nghia.  He's a forensic toxicologist for the state of Utah and is currently in an open relationship with Pabst Blue Ribbon.

Making sweet science magic.  (His words)

Seems legit, right?
Wrong. 

 This is how Nghia showed up at the DMV earlier this month to renew his drivers license.  What kind of person purposely glues on a raper stache to pose for their drivers license that they'll have for the next (insert correct number of years here since I don't know how long they're good for and don't care enough to look it up) years?  THIS guy, with the equally creepy fake uni-brow.

And now, before you scroll further, I'd like to apologize in advance for the ocular assault your eyeballs are about to experience.

The real Nghia.
His Christmas card.  And yeah, he really is a Reverend who does weddings.  I'll get you his number.
I um...I just... lets move on.
A sexual vulture.  Obvi.
I honestly have no idea.
The googly eyes make this reasonable. 
Prettiest blonde Asian.


Celebrating his Irish heritage. 
   And finally, the picture below at one of Nghia's birthday celebrations where he found himself topless, yet again, and trying to compensate by turning his birthday banner into a birthday cape.

I don't remember what was on that belt buckle, but I wanted it...badly.
In a valiant effort to keep this topless tragedy from happening to others, Nghia has taken it upon himself to equip the masses with his very own brand of creepy class.  May I present...

The Heber Creeper!  With Nghia's own mug up in the corner there.  

Officially my new favorite tee.
He was most likely high on fumes from his lab when deciding this was a good idea and I'm pretty sure he doesn't actually live in Heber, UT.  However, I can't confirm that he doesn't own the molester van to go with the molester stache.  He made this masterpiece, along with hoodies, scoop neck tees and baby onesies (cause that's not creepy) with the help of outletshirts dot com.  And good news!!!  He's currently accepting orders for his next printing.  Leave a comment or e-mail me and I'll pass you along to the nutter.

OH!  And even more good news ladies...or whoever.  His relationship with PBR is open so that means technically, he's available. 

36 comments:

  1. I'm not a misfit. Damnit, I had friends growing up. I did not know you were home schooled, but that does explain some of your personality quirks. Um so are you wearing pants with an excessive number of zippers? Oh thanks for the biographical blog post?

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  2. Um. I'm not sure what you mean by "personality quirks" but I think it's absolutely adorable how deeply in denial you are about your misfit status.
    I shan't even bother addressing your zipper comment and you are most welcome. My only request is that you invite me to the inevitable wedding this post will surely lead to.

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    Replies
    1. Don't lash out because I hung out on the "stage" and you didn't. Just because I'm a hermit now doesn't mean that I wasn't a bubbly and friendly teen.

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    2. You keep up this crap attitude and your marriage proposals are going to dramatically drop.

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  3. Replies
    1. Who doesn't? So those e-mails...am I to assume they were meant for Nghia? I'll be sure to pass them along.

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  4. Oh my gosh. Did they let him keep the stache? Please say yes.

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    1. For his DL renewal? I do believe they did. :)

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    2. Damn straight they let me! Hopefully I get my license this week! I'm as giddy as a school girl!

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  5. You're from Toronto? OK, that explains a few things. You have a hotness factor that was a mystery to me until you mentioned Toronto. Why is everyone up there so much hotter than most people down here? Did you know that every single supermodel and TV hottie is either stolen from Canada or Australia? I mean, its like a hotness factory or something.

    When I was in school I hung out with anyone and everyone. Somehow I ended up in a group of proud outcasts. This was before the age of rainbow t-shirts and that whole "we're here, we're queer, get used to it" Mtv shit. I didn't know why my friends were so weird. I just knew that a lot of the weird girls were really hot and really horny and that worked out OK for me, what with me not being one of the rainbow guys of the group and all. Funny thing about weird people in high school, a lot of gay girls don't yet know they're gay and have to spend years and years sleeping with every guy they meet before they get bored with that and try the other, which is when they realize they're gay. Or something. All I know is the biggest sluts I ever knew and loved rode every penis-pony in school before ever trying the vagwagon. I don't know where I'm going with this or why I'm talking about high school weird people who later turned out to be gay, but somehow this is where my addled mind has taken me. All I was going to say is, and this does sorta relate, one of the advantages of hanging with all the misfits in school was that you could fully appreciate the value of The Rocky Horror Picture Show, with women in lingerie running around and guys acting like total idiots in their underwear and somehow it all made sense in an "I don't care" sort of way. And that was just in the audience for the movie. The movie itself was just plain funky. But to be a proper misfit, you had to go see Rocky Horror with all your misfit friends and act like total lunatics in the audience.

    If you ever repeat any of this I will, of course, deny it. Because I'm so cool now and all.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You were totally hopped up on cold meds when you posted this, weren't you?

      Also, nowhere in this post did I mention I was from the Toronto area...even though I am. Which kiiiinda weirds me out.

      Double also, I've never seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show, in person or otherwise. I'm not entirely sure what that says about my character.

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  6. Looks like he is comfortable in his own skin and can roll with it, whatever life throws at him. He obviously likes to have fun and apparently is a blast to party with or hang out with. What's wrong with that?

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  7. We are 138! We are 138!! We are.. 138!!!

    I'm a schizo Misfit, which is a hell of a combination!

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    Replies
    1. Always the over-achiever, making the rest of us average slobs look like mediocre tapioca.

      Nice reference by the way. :D

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  8. Weirdos make the world a more interesting place to live. What's not to like about them :)?

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  9. This guy seems like your brutha from another mutha. I've always liked you because you are fricking weird. It would suck not to be weird wouldn't it?

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    Replies
    1. Sometimes I think I'd like to try it for a day. You know, just to see what normal is like. Not that you would know...

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  10. I went sent to live in Florida for a brief stay during my Freshman year too. It was a joke. They put me in all advanced classes despite the fact that I was remedial in math at best. I've been working on a chapter of my book that's about my time in Florida and something tells me that you will totally relate! SQUEE! I'm very excited that I may have an audience of ONE.

    P.S. Your friend is the coolest.

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    Replies
    1. I DEMAND you do a book tour and come to Utah. I'm seriously excited for you and can't wait to read it.

      P.S. Yeah, he's pretty cool. I guess.

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  11. OMG. The fake mustache is brilliance. I wonder if I could get away with a nice handlebar mustache at my next renewal.

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  12. Ohhh. No wonder we're not friends.

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    Replies
    1. HA! Denial ain't just a river in Egypt.

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  13. You like weirdos? Well, then you'll like my new outfit. I'll come and save you too, though only by request. Weird eh?

    P.S. Who in the world would fake a uni-brow? One thing's for sure... that's not a fake one-pack.

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    Replies
    1. I'm so confused right now. And I'm totally sober.

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  14. Well, I now know exactly what I'm doing for my next Christmas card.

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    Replies
    1. He's rather inspirational, isn't he?

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  15. LOLOLOL!!! Those pictures are epic. The mustache was so awesome that I almost missed the uni-brow.

    What's the deal with that girl going to the popular table when you were the one who was invited? Some people!

    Misfits are more intriguing--at least I hope they are because I've always been a misfit :)

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    Replies
    1. Can Asians even grow real uni-brows?

      I can STILL remember how shocked I felt when she bailed so quickly. Like, ZERO hesitation. Traitor.

      They really are. I'm sure that's one of the big reasons I like you so much!

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  16. How did I miss this?? Nghia seems totally amazing! I want to hang out with you two, but I am pretty sure I'm not cool enough for your that level of misfit awesomeness.

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    Replies
    1. Maybe because I wait seventeen years in between posts? Please, being cool has no place in my life. Clearly. Besides, I've seen some of those pictures you've posted on Instagram. Your misfit level of awesomeness is right on par! :D

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  17. How come I don't find you prancin' around in my garden? We're all there!

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    Replies
    1. I don't like gardens. There's dirt. And bugs. And a definite lack of wine.

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  18. I can't believe I missed this post! I was in a sweat-fueled a to z daze, I guess. Anyway, I too love weirdos and misfits. Way more interesting and real. I can pass for a normal person, but I'm definitely not.

    And I am love with Nghia. Just the driver's license thing alone makes him crush worthy. That's just brilliant. PBR and I are gonna have to have to arm wrestle for him.

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