Monday, March 25, 2013

Schizophrenia. As Much Fun As A Bag of Dicks.

Hey gang.  Remember how I said I was going to interview my schizo friend and then I went AWOL?  Yeah.  That was cool.  Turns out transcribing audio to text takes a REALLY long time and is pretty tedious.  Instead, I'm going to just post the actual 90 minute recording.  15 minute segments over the next 6 posts.  Yeah.  I did the math.  Suck a rock!  My calculations are correct.  I checked it twice.

I know I'm usually pretty flippant in my posts and talk about poop and licking things, (although never those two together) but this time I wanted to mention how much I'm in awe of my friend Matt and how honored I feel to call him a friend.

He took an hour and a half out of his day to talk to me candidly about something incredibly personal which leaves him wide open to others judgements.  He knew that I was going to post what we talked about on my public blog but that didn't stop him from holding back at all.

I've seen him come to work after a bad night.  A night full of static and voices refusing to let him sleep.  His eyes are a little glassy and at half mast, yet he takes the time to stop by my desk and crack a joke to make me laugh.

I've watched him in company meetings where he's clearly not doing well.  His eyes shift and dart around the room and up at the ceiling.  He's fidgety and nervous.  I look down at my phone to check a text.  When I glance back up Matt is gone.  Having quietly slipped out of the meeting while disrupting not a soul with the private nightmare he's enduring alone.





*Audio player is only working with firefox and explorer.  Apologies.  Technology is an asshole.

40 comments:

  1. For some reason I can't make the player-thingy work.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I didn't notice you left something on my previous post earlier but wanted to let you know Matt addressed your comment. *Virtual hugs from a non-hugger*

      Delete
    2. I know it's probably coincidence, but my ex also had a traumatic event around the same age involving his inability to save someone's life. He also was plagued with survivor's guilt. It's so goddamned sad. I've often wondered if that hadn't happened if he never would have been "triggered." Life is such a tragic fate of twists and turns over which we have no control. And those of us who are still okay are just damned lucky. There but for the grace of some higher power, or just plain dumb luck, go I.

      Delete
    3. Mandy,
      You may be right. There is a genetic factor to this, they also believe there is a social aspect to this and SZ is often triggered by trauma. If he wouldn't have had this traumatic event happen to him, he may not have flipped the switch. I often wonder if I would have broken completely without the experience with the drowning. The odds would have been in my favor... but alas, I have it and so I fight it.

      Delete
  2. I don't even see the player. Could be bc I'm on my phone, so I'll blame it on that.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Yeah, sorry girls. It took me fifty years just to get it to work on my PC. Didn't bother with phone compatibility. And I'm not sure if the browser makes any difference but I always use firefox.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Also, sorry for calling you "girls". That's lame.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I couldn't get it to work, but I look forward to what you have to share. It is difficult to share these things. Good for you for being such a good friend.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I didn't share anything besides my ignorant questions but I love that you give me the benefit of the doubt. :)

      Delete
  6. Browser matters. No dice with Chrome, but fine with explorer. I sound odd on recordings, but at least I'm not speaking in Latin. Went to the game and I have the head chatter now but it will pass. :) I will see you tomorrow Miss Vixen...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. GRRRRR. SO annoying. I hate computers!
      Latin would have been impressive. Creepy as hell, but impressive.
      You went to the Jazz game? I hope you had fun and I hope you were able to get some rest.

      Delete
  7. i can't make the player work either, but just wanted to tell your friend how much i appreciate him sharing his story. what a brave and completely awesome thing to do.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I couldn't agree more! Thanks for letting him know Dawn. :)

      Delete
  8. Please be sure to thank Matt for sharing his story. Hearing things first hand from people who live with it, makes a huge difference for the rest of us who may not understand what's really going on. Understanding is the first part of being able to help others like Matt to cope with their situation and life in general.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You are absolutely right Pixie! And even if it's not understood completely, a little empathy and compassion can go a long way.

      Delete
  9. Nope it doesn't work, so.... what you need.... is to join in on the fun over HERE for we're about to fly to the most beautiful place on earth.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Do me a favor Grumpster? Will you try it in either Firefox or Internet Explorer browser?

      Delete
    2. Explorer works just fine... on my other laptop. On my phone I don't even see the player. What's that all about? Yep, technology is a bitch on wheels. An asshole, too... and a big one at that. Speaking of which, did you know that beaver butts produce stuff that is sometimes put in your vanilla ice cream or anything containing vanilla for that matter? Anal beaver glands.... that's the technical term. Now you want to know more. Well, if you insist: CLICK.

      Delete
  10. Wow. I find this fascinating. There is definately something wrong with the mental health care but I have no idea what could be done about it. When I was 18 my boyfriend at the time talked me into telling a counselor I was seeing about something I was doing to myself that wasn't... healthy. As soon as I told her, she put her hand on a phone and said if I did it again then she would make a call and basically have me institutionalized. Really? I'm confused with whats happening in my head and can't make sense of things, don't know how to change my coping mechanism, open up to a "professional" and get threatened?? Hopefully things have changed since then. I admire your friend for doing this interview. People can be so harsh it's hard to talk about such personal things.
    btw, don't know what everyones problem is with being able to hear it. It worked fine for me.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Wow Anon. Thank you for posting this comment. I'm really sorry to hear trusting that particular "professional" had such a ridiculously negative outcome. I hope things have gotten better for you since then.
      You're absolutely right. People can be terribly harsh and judgmental which is why I have so much respect for anyone willing to share their story. By anonymous means or otherwise.

      Delete
    2. I'm only anonymous because I thought it would be faster than logging in, but whatevs. ;)

      Delete
    3. And here I thought you were going all cloak and dagger on me.

      Delete
  11. Ever since Motorola shoved an 'upgrade' to my phone OS down my throat I can't connect to wifi and cant stream video or audio. I'm gonna have to get on my computer to catch up here. I've been missing you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Those assholes and their pushy throat shovings!

      Delete
  12. I'm not able to connect, but I do think it would be fascinating. I used to date a man whose cousin was schizophrenic, and I found her fascinating...

    Pearl

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Have you written any of your amazing pieces about her?

      Delete
  13. I only have Chrome on this computer. Well, I also have Explorer, but then I'd have to actually open Explorer. I don't know if I want to bite the bullet on that. Okay, I will. But if my computer explodes, expect a bill in the mail...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'll pay your bill no problem...if you're good with payment in the form of awesome high-fives.

      Delete
  14. 15 minutes of audio? Are you trying to torture us? I'm at work and therefore cannot commit to listening at this time. That's my excuse and I'm sticking to it! Maybe when I get home.....maybe.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I uh. Um. I don't even know what to say to this.

      Delete
  15. Kudos to him. I have a great deal of respect and sympathy for people dealing with mental illnesses. I've listened to audio replications of what auditory hallucinations are like, and it would horrifying to experience that non-stop.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. OH YEAH! He sent me a link that demonstrated what those are like. I lasted mayyybe a minute? I'll have to include that link with the next post about Matt.

      Delete
  16. About a year before my mom died they changed her meds and one of them made her schizo- literally. It was terrifying for her; but it was terrifying for us as well. That was 5 days I hope I never have to relive with anyone ever again.

    ReplyDelete
  17. I'm just not even sure what to say- poor guy. Mental illness on all levels is so difficult- meds, social expectations, sideways glances, judgments...I think if having a daughter with unusual behaviours has taught me anything it's that you simply never know what goes on behind closed doors and you can never judge. My heart goes out to Matt and his family and friends.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. For some reason it's human nature to judge what we don't understand. I do it myself and it's difficult not to, although not impossible. I'm sure Matt appreciates your empathy. :)

      Delete
  18. Mental health is something so many want to ignore or avoid by crossing the other side. Good luck to your friend, and pat yourself on the back a bit for trying to be there.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I don't do anything. I listen to his horror stories and wonder how he and his angel of a wife Libby, make it through day after day. Thank you for your comment Mrs. Tuna. It's good to see you!

      Delete
  19. Business Phone Service is ideal for small business and entrepreneurs. It gives a professional image and make sure that you don't miss a single call. Few months back, I decided to buy Hosted pbx from Telcan. You can get more information here: IP Pbx

    ReplyDelete