Monday, February 18, 2013

Is It Normal To Call Your Valentine A Shitface?

I'm a very lucky girl.  I know this.  I have a number of people in my life who love me and tell me so on a daily basis.  One of those people is E2.  My Erik. 

Sometime around the sweet inception of our relationship, he initiated the ever popular tradition of discarding one's tried and true birth name and replacing it with a more tender, meaningful name.  In my case, I was christened Pumpkin. 

I remember thinking to myself, "Pumpkin?  Did he seriously just call me pumpkin?  The hell?".

In response, I immediately dubbed him, My Little Dumpling Nugget Butt.  He was not impressed.  And I'm lazy.  It was promptly shortened to Dumpling.  But why stop there?  Why impose an extra syllable when one is more than satisfactory? 

It was shortened even further to Dump. 

Three years later, when he's not referring to me as "Ginger", I answer to "Pump".

And so it was, Pump and Dump took the day off work to celebrate Valentines Day together.

With the sun just beginning to peek through the bedroom curtains, he bestowed upon me a dozen beautiful red roses followed by breakfast in bed.  A tray laden with plump strawberries with creme fraiche and brown sugar.  Buttery, flaky, still warm croissants and the most perfect, refreshing mimosas you could imagine.

The morning turned to afternoon as we spent the day languishing in bed enjoying first the breakfast, and then each other.  Before we knew it, the day was completely wasted and we'd accomplished absolutely nothing and had to return to the daily grind the next morning.

That scenario sucks.  So instead, for Valentines Day this year, I requested we spend the day snowboarding.
Presented the night before Valentines.  No time for this B.S. on V-Day.  There's snow waiting to be frolicked in.

And frolic we did!

The sun was shining, most of Salt Lake was at work, and I was a very happy girl.

See?  Happy!  My mouth was a little frozen, otherwise I would have looked as happy as Dump.


Hadn't bothered to take off my board.  I'm not usually such a leaner.  I AM usually this lazy.

 It hasn't snowed in a while so everything was pretty tracked out.  The only powder we could find was through the trees.  In a mistakenly optimistic assessment of my skills, I thought it wise to follow Erik through one such run.  Shockingly, I didn't make it.  I unstrapped one foot, stepped down and sunk into powder past my knee. 

Awesome.

10 minutes of huffing like an asthmatic being choked out by their lover with exceptionally meaty hands, I finally made it back to the safety of groomed runs.  I sat recuperating and sent out silent prayers of thanks to the tree limbs that were sacrificed in my struggle to pull myself out.

It was not okay.
And neither was this...


video


Pretty sure it's a widely known fact that shitface is a term of endearment.  Especially on Valentines Day.  Right?  What.  Just me? 

Welp.

A few more runs and I could feel my legs turning to jelly.  One of the things I love most in this world is sailing down a mountain, wind whipping my hair behind me and ripping at my jacket.

One of the things I like least in this world is sailing down a mountain with tired jelly legs that have become too lazy to dig in hard enough to make the turn.  I've made the mistake of wanting "just one more run" when I've gotten to this point.  It never ends well for me or my noggin.  It was time to go.

Erik's winning smile!

Exhausted but happy.  I really am one very lucky and very loved girl.








81 comments:

  1. I'm sorry but you lost me at "meaty hands"...ewwwwwwwwww I'm sure sausage fingers could have some positive points (like if you have a butcher fetish) but that was not a great description to read just after eating dinner...your perfect poo was more appetizing!

    ReplyDelete
  2. What the? You are positively demented. And I love it!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Sounds like a fun day. I don't remember what we did. Normal everyday stuff I think. I cooked him a lobster tail for dinner. They were on sale. Boil in water for 3 minutes and you're done. They think it's special, easiest meal ever.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Hahaha! "They think it's special". And that's all that really matters. :)

    ReplyDelete
  5. That sounds like such a blast. I haven't been skiing in forever, but this makes me want to go ;)

    What a perfect way to spend Valentine's.

    ReplyDelete
  6. That sounds like an awesome Valentine's day. And if he was being a shit face, then it's perfectly acceptable to call him that, even on a romantic day :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Then it's settled. I'll make him a name plate immediately!

      Delete
  7. I've never tried snowboarding, although growing up where snow was presented in huge amounts during winter. I really regret that, seems fun :)!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It is SUCH a blast. I love it. I do not love how expensive it is.

      Delete
  8. Well, if you generally go by "Pump and Dump" (which is what I believe my parents called their honeymoon) then "Shitface" is a term reserved for only the most romantic of times.
    "My Little Dumpling Nugget Butt" is my favorite Garth Brooks song...or is that a Sammy Hagar song?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You are so bizarre and you never fail to make me laugh.

      Delete
  9. Awesome post. You are such a good writer!
    Actually......it was the post title that had me laughing so hard!!!!! And I thank-you for that. I need laughter.

    ReplyDelete
  10. The first bed-and-sex V Day looked pretty nice to me! But then, I've been married 18 years, and things like languid mornings of sexy time are only vague memories. Have to admit - snowboarding looks pretty awesome, too!
    I am pretty jealous of your whole scenario here, Miss Pump McShitface.
    ;)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I seriously laughed SO hard at Miss Pump McShitface. Come to Utah and I'll take you snowboarding!! And laugh at you. Probably a lot.

      Delete
  11. Aww how fun! Good for you! Also, that one photo is scary. Mountains are high. No me likey.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. They ARE high! I actually get nervous on the windy days when it makes the chair swing. No me likey.

      Delete
  12. Dude, I mean Pump, you know that it is perfectly obligatory to come to a snow spraying halt anytime someone is down the mountain filming and/or taking pictures. In fact it would be rude not to spray you. I think you owe Dump an apology. And me too. And this lamp!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yeah sure. I'll apologize but only in person. Bring tequila. And the lamp.

      Delete
  13. Yeah, that "boring" Valentine's Day spent in bed sounded like an exotic trip to another planet. That's because I have two kids. And then you described a mystical day of athletic adventures without having to wipe any runny noses, change any diapers, or listen to whining. Also exotic and magical! Basically, this is my way of telling you that if you ever want to enjoy Valentine's Day again, don't ever have children.

    My. That was dark for me.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I laughed SO hard at your last sentence.

      Delete
  14. I would take the day snowboarding over things like chocolate and roses any day. But it looks like you got two out of the three, so I call it good. SPending the day in the sack could also be considered good though too- if you didn't have kids... Send them to Grandma's for a sleepover and it may work.

    Funny how terms like shitface just come out on their own. He dusted you though. Ah well. It had to have been a great time. Enjoy it for all it is worth, for as long as you can.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I really did get the best of both worlds. Sadly, by the time we got home we were too tired to do much of anything in the sack.

      Delete
  15. My gal and I don't celebrate that Hallmark and jewelery driven event.

    ReplyDelete
  16. A day on the slopes is the best way to spend V-Day. It's good to meet you! :)

    ReplyDelete
  17. I need to try that one of these days.

    ReplyDelete
  18. LOL don't know why he didn't like dumpling butt haha

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. *shrug* Beats me! He's a bit of a weirdo.

      Delete
  19. I'm just jealous you can snowboard! That's impressive (I've lived in Wisconsin for 8 years and you'd think I'd give it a shot sometime but as it turns out I don't like cold weather and you can only snowboard in the winter? dumb)!! Pump & Dump might be the greatest 'couple' name ever...love!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Winter is my least favorite season but snowboarding makes it tolerable. I agree though. TOTALLY dumb!

      Delete
  20. Haaaaahaha! That video made me lol :) A good day on the mountain is great, but I would definitely take a day in bed with flowers and chocolate sounds even better to me!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well yeah...because that would be a break for you in between all the freaking biking, swimming, running, and other mildly masochistic hobbies you have.

      Delete
  21. I totally think shitface can be a term of endearment!! I am jealous that you can snowboard. I can't walk across a room without tripping over something. It's true. I was born without coordination.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh I've gone down like a bag of dirt just walking into work. On a paved sidewalk. I felt cool.

      Delete
  22. OK, you live in Utah and you don't go snowboarding EVERY SINGLE DAY??? Utah has the most famous "lake effect" snow in the entire world! It's a snowvomitfest state, a snowpalooza, a snow heaven where God shits snow in perfect powdery flakes that even Canadians envy. You should be a snowboarding machine! Look at me, I live in Memphis and I'm a crack shot with a 9 from a moving car, both driver's AND passenger side windows, plus I can shoot out my own back window and hit the driver behind me in the face without even weaving out of my own lane. 'Cuz that's how we ROLL in Memphrica. How soon can we expect to see you snowboarding in the Olympics? We need a snowboarding gold, Vapid. No pressure, though.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Duuuuuuude! I had to save up for eleventy months just to afford a one day ski pass. To the CHEAPEST resort! But you're absolutely right. I'm a disgrace. I'm going to go scrape out the freezer, chip down all my ice cubes, and build a half pipe in the backyard to practice on. I've totes got this!

      Delete
  23. But the important question is, is snowboarding good for your booty?

    If it it gives you beach body goddess goodness, sign me up!

    Seriously, adorable couple. xo

    ReplyDelete
  24. Aw lucky you. I'm hoping that next Valentine's day I'll have someone to spend it with.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Assuming you'll have any time to spend Mr. Student, I hope so too.

      Delete
  25. ha-no time for b.s on valentine's day-so do it the eve of! snowboarding is a much better option-agreed!

    ReplyDelete
  26. That is a day well spent. Apart from the snow boarding. I hate skiing and I know you will probably say the two are very different but it's all falling down a mountain on bits of wood to me.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I hate skiing too. I don't know how anyone could be expected to keep those giant sticks parallel without crossing, then eating shit and having a giant yard sale for everyone on the lift above you to witness and jeer while pointing. Yeah, I've tried it.

      Delete
  27. It's normal to call EVERYONE a shitface.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think you and I would get along just fine.

      Delete
  28. Seriously? You followed him through the trees?
    Noooooooooo.....
    I went off trail once.
    It was a bad, a very bad thing.
    Be careful young one.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I know! I try it at least once every time I go. Some adventures turn out better than others but at least this time I didn't end the day with a face full of ice rash from catching a root above my board.
      It's cool though, I've got health coverage.

      Delete
  29. we call each other yacho and bean, so i mean...there is that. last time i went snowboarding i broke my tailbone (again) and by last time, i mean mid-january. who is sexy with a donut cushion now? This girl.

    amanda
    http://thingstoholdandstir.blogspot.com/

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ooooohhhh noooooo. Way to start off the new year right! That seriously blows. On the upside, does bean give you awesome butt massages every night? Or are you bean and he's yacho? Either way, awesome!

      Delete
  30. Someday I will go snowboarding. Or skiing. I should probably try skiing first because I've heard it's easier, but we'll see.

    Anyway. My favorite "pet name" for Mike is turd bait. That's true love right thurr.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That's what everyone says! I did not like skiing. I like having my feet strapped down.

      That sounds weird.

      Turd Bait?? HAHAHA!! That is so perfect and so you.

      Delete
  31. My Angie's doing the dishing right now. Let's see what happens when I call her 'Shitface'. Just a second.... Well, she sure is giving me a look that says, 'It may be Friday, but you're not gettin' any tonight, my friend.' Thank you for that. Some people just don't have a sense of humor. It's so depressing.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. OH holy hell. I love it! I've pretty much decided I have the most hilarious commenters in all of Bloggerdom. Bloggerville? Whatev's. You get it.

      Delete
    2. And the worst speller, too. But, hey, who cares!

      P.S. Bloggertown

      Delete
  32. ha ha pump and dump! hilarious! how romantic!

    ReplyDelete
  33. Now that's a great Valentine's Day!

    ReplyDelete
  34. We celebrated Valentine's Day in our usual way: we got in a fight. We actually laugh about it now because I swear it's a theme now. Holiday? Get in a fight!

    ReplyDelete
  35. Good that Pump and Dump can just take off on a whim and snowboard on Valentines day because if you have a baby, then you'll just be pumping and dumping.

    ReplyDelete
  36. A whim? Oh no. We requested the day off in advance. There was CLEAR planning here! Sure no kids...but we made sure to fill up the kitty bowl.

    ReplyDelete
  37. Yo girl! I think your blog is bitchin' and you deserve a Liebster Award. Let’s all link up and whatnot. Hope you want to play along, check out your nomination at: http://thingstoholdandstir.blogspot.com/2013/02/dear-liebster-award-eventually-i-am.html

    amanda
    http://thingstoholdandstir.blogspot.com

    p.s. I think there is a rule about 200 followers, making you way too popular for this malarkey, but I don't trouble myself much for rules, so there is that.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Awww that's awesome. Thanks so much! And I agree, rules are for rookies!!!

      Delete
  38. I frequently call my boyfriend "Butthole." He calls me "Darlin'" in return. It's not quite even.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's NOT quite even. But I can't decide who's getting the short end of the stick.

      Delete
  39. I have referred to my boyfriend as nobhead for nearly 6 years - so shitface is totally acceptable xx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Nobhead. That's kinda sweet. Yep. I totally approve.

      Delete
  40. What a great idea! I love it. Simple and lovely article.

    ReplyDelete
  41. You call call him/her that; but maybe only once.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You're right. If by once you mean numerous times.

      Delete
  42. At least he didn't call you mommy, in front of people, shudder.

    ReplyDelete