Tuesday, January 8, 2013

Vengeance Is A Dish Best Served Fat

I'm supposed to be working right now.  I've got the pile of files I brought home with me to work on scattered at my feet and instead of opening the first one, I'm sitting on the floor with a glass of wine, mentally flipping off that pile of files.  This is the 4th night in a row a stack of work has followed me home and I'm not having it.  They've officially worn out their welcome.  Instead, I'm going to blog about Christmas.  Part One.  The work part.  Oh it's scintillating, just you wait!  (No, it's not.  But there are pictures!)

This year our bosses decided to risk taking us (the entire sales department) out in public and treated us to dinner at Christophers.  The classy kind of joint where I wouldn't take a date unless they promised to put out. 

Instead of doing a gift exchange, we drew names in advance and were asked to anonymously compliment whoever we drew.  I got one of the sales reps and composed an incredibly touching and heartfelt haiku.  I'm pretty sure I saw tears of appreciation welling up in his eyes.  Or maybe he was just drunk.  Or maybe I was.

Then I heard my name.  Naturally, my ears perked up, ready to soak in the accolades and worship that were surely about to come my way. 

This is the "anonymous compliment" that was read aloud at the table:

"Dawn is a perfect fit in the sales/sales support team.  She has thick skin, can take a punch, not overly hormonal and comes to work most days.

Here are a few of Dawn's best traits:

She's funny.
She has a good sense of humor.
She gets things done.
She complains but at least it's to your face.
She isn't afraid to eat.
She is willing to come to work without makeup, which isn't show floor worthy but she eventually gets it done by 1:00pm.
She is loyal.
She is legit.
She is a great employee."

At the bottom it was signed in pen "Love ya Dawn.  Jon".  With a smiley face.  Cause that made it all better.

I hate to admit it but he had the entire table roaring and I was laughing so hard I was crying.  But still...asshole.

Which naturally brings us around to Toph.  Parking downtown is obnoxious.  I entered in the wrong parking stall number when paying for my parking.  I stuck the receipt in my windshield anyway hoping the meter maid didn't totally suck.

Dinner was progressing slowly so Toph volunteered to check my meter.  I don't know if I've mentioned this before but Toph is a bit of a germaphobe.  He won't even use the same fridge as the rest of the department and never mind actually allowing someone to use his mouse or keyboard for half a second.  In fact, for Christmas I gave him a travel size bottle of antibacterial gel with a note that said "May your Christmas be as sterile as your soul" or something like that. 

He was irritated that I'd actually put some thought into and his response, "Gone is the dried up scabby cave troll I've come to know", gladdened my heart.

While he was out checking the meter, our food arrived.  Since he was being such a gentlemen, and being that it was Christmas, I decided to return the favor is making sure his food was as perfect as he deserved.  By licking it.

  Jon was kind enough to snap the pic and save it until after the meal.  In the off chance you're feeling badly for little Toph, let me present exhibit, ohhh I dunno, 73?

Exhibit #73 in which Toph is an asshole.
 He texted me this obnoxious gloating picture of my parking ticket.  (Which I forgot to pay and is now up to $55)  I responded letting him know this would undoubtedly make it's way into the blog.

His typical, charming Toph reply, "Why the fuck else would I send anything to you?  My fans need to see my handsome face from time to time".

Re-pug-nant.

Which brings us back to Christmas.  Everyone has their own special way of celebrating Christmas.  The sales department?  We steal.  And then exact vengeance. 

I've previously mentioned the company recently moved.  All kinds of stuff got lost in the move.  Filing cabinets, printers, hope. 

As well as chair mats.  Toph ended up with a cracked, sad little broke-down chair mat that he knew wasn't his.  It eventually came out that his has been pilfered from right under his nose.  (Or more likely during one of his 20 smoke breaks.)  By Jon.

Who came in to work the next morning to find his cracked, sad little broke-down chair mat had been returned to him.


 Jon signed up for a gym membership at the place right across the street from us and now spends every lunch break working out.

Jon is not fat.

Christmas is awesome.

Toph is still an asshole.

 








42 comments:

  1. While I love you to death my lovely Dawn.. I have to say for 2012 Jon was "da man" when it came to keeping my weekends busy. So give the poor ole guy a break.. As for Trop or whatever his name is.. If he messes with ya too much the "instructor mafia" might arrange for an "accident" in the Utah desert during Navigator in April.. Just saying.. LOVE AND KISSES.. RCW

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I shall forever hereafter refer to him as Trop. It's better than what I usually call him and this won't land me back in the HR office.

      Delete
  2. Asshole!?! That seemed like a freaking TRIBUTE to you! It's like he wanted to start the "Cult of Dawn." You should see if he walks slowly by you with lit candles. Just keep an eye out, that's all. "We steal. And then exact vengeance." Are you sure this is relegated to Christmas?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Doubtful. He tried to peg me in the head today with one of those squishy stress squeezer things.

      Aren't we supposed to keep Christmas in our hearts year round? So yeah, it's relegated to the year long pursuit of the Christmas spirit of thievery and vengeance.

      Delete
  3. I think it is great you lick his meal lol I like that at our office we can play the jokes and all is well with each other some have more to fear from payback then others, but I liked what was wrote about you some very positive traits for sure!!!

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    Replies
    1. It's all fun and games until someone gets a communicable disease. ;)

      Delete
  4. Hahhaah you guys sound awesome.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Awesomeness readily and easily recognizes awesomeness.

      Delete
  5. Sign me up for the Toph fan club! MOAR HANDSOME TOPH PHOTOS PLZ!

    *Evil laughter*

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Mandy. Honestly. I can only assume at this juncture in time that your computer has been hacked by a 12 year old girl who's mistaken your computer for her phone.

      And who is drunk.

      STOP IT!!

      Delete
  6. Sometimes, just sometimes,stories like this make me disappointed I'm self employed.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's these stories that keep me from realizing the monotony of my life.

      Delete
  7. You really need to learn to keep your tongue off of everything.

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    1. Funny you should say that. I'm licking something else in Christmas part 2.

      Delete
  8. Awesome Christmas story. Licking a bacteriaphobic persons food, ahahahaha!!! It's only funny because it's not happened to me. I hate germs.

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    1. I have to confess...I didn't actually lick it. But the proximity of my tongue to his food was just enough to make him question whether or not his life was still worth living.

      Delete
  9. Your workplace is awesome. Wish I worked there.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Shhhhhh Shhhhhh Shhhh.

      I don't write about the plethora of B.S. that goes down. It wouldn't make me feel any better and I'd end up having to update my resume after finding myself suddenly unemployed.

      Delete
  10. How odd. I don't even have the option of commenting using my laptop but on my phone I do. Anyway, your workplace sounds infinitely better than mine. At least your coworkers have a sense of humor. I work in a cold, dead office with a cube next to Drama Queen. I swear she spends half her day on the phone telling some family member, apparently, how to use Facebook. And when she thinks something is funny, she doesnt laugh. She says "thats so funny", just like on Seinfeld. Oh, I swear I'm going to go insane working there. Merry Christmas, Miss Good Worker! And Happy New Year, too.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. What the? I barely know how to turn my laptop on so I can't help you there.

      There is a LOT of personality in my department so I am lucky in that way. Drama Queen sounds fun. I suggest you invest in some really good headphones.

      Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to you too Steve!

      Delete
  11. Hahahahaha Toph is such an ass! But I like the note you left on his hand sanitizer - seems very fitting!

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    1. Sometimes I wonder if he even HAS a soul.

      Delete
  12. HAHAHAHAHA!!! I love that you licked his food. I hope you really did, because he kind of deserved it. Buttface. And seriously?!? $55 for a parking ticket??? I've been months late on paying them here and I don't think they go up in price. At least I hope not, or else there's probably a warrant out for my arrest.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I actually just went online to pay it last week and it was up to $85. What kind of bullsh!t is that? It hasn't even been a month!

      If you go missing from the blogosphere for awhile, I think I'll know where to look.

      Delete
  13. Poor Jon, I feel bad for him but that doesn't stop me laughing.

    Though, I hope no one goes for a vacation anytime soon. Your office seems to have the kind of people that would do something like wrap everything in that person's cubicle in aluminum foil. Or fill an office with ballpit balls.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. The last time Toph took some time off, we filled every crevice of his cubicle with shredded paper.
      He didn't talk to anyone for nearly an entire day.

      Best day ever.

      Delete
  14. what an introduction to VV

    hilarious, though.

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  15. I wonder what you'd have said if you were my colleage. Come to think of it, I wish you were my colleague. I'd like to know what it's like to be told things to my handsome blue face. You're not afraid to eat.... really? One point extra for Dawn. Yes, he still was being an asshole, and a big one at that. :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'd probably tell you to stop whistling. If you were the type to whistle, that is.

      I'm still not sure complaining to a person's face is ever going to do me any favors. I'm thinking probably no?

      Delete
  16. LOL! Dear Lord, I needed that laugh! "you're not afraid to eat!" Hahaha--damn, I like you! So to put in the bank for the next time someone takes time off--once I helped tape cardboard over this guy's office door, we mudded/sanded/painted it (he was gone a week), it was as if it never existed! When he came back, everyone kept asking him if they could help him--was he looking for someone? Dude nearly lost his mind!

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Do you know how much I would LOVE to do this? Or better yet, fly you in and just have you do it for me! That's got to be the best office prank yet.

      Delete
  17. Haha sorry I'm a week late but this is just a piece of class right here, missy! Worth waiting for! As for Toph, just wait till he leaves his desk for a bit and change his browswer start page to a picture of a giant cock. That'll be a nice surprise!

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    Replies
    1. Or just another day at the office for him.

      Where have you been? Are you ever posting again??

      Delete
  18. Jon sounds like a great guy.

    Toph- not so much.

    Glad you had a nice Christmas party

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  19. So I assume you don't have an HR department at your company...haha!!

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    1. Ha! Actually we do! Since we've moved buildings her office is now directly behind me. Luckily it's temporary until her floor is finished. I'm not sure how long I can keep this self-monitoring up.

      Delete
  20. It sounds like you have fun at work but then again maybe you don't. I don't know. I'm so confused.

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    Replies
    1. Depends on the day...and how hungover I am.

      Delete
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