Monday, July 30, 2012

Deserters Will Be Shot! But not at dawn cause that's way too early.

Tragedy has struck.  About a year ago, Candito had a baby.  And now, in a poorly thought out, self-indulgent and totally sucky decision, today is her last day.  She's chosen to completely abandon me so that she can stay home with that little ankle-biter.

Back in the day deserters were shot at dawn.  Just think on that a moment Candice. 

And now, before you make any final, hasty decisions, let's just think this through, shall we.  Sure, Mason is cute and all but his hand/eye coordination is severely lacking.  As evidenced below.

  It's highly unlikely that he'll be able to play shipping room baseball with you with the rolled up propaganda posters and stress balls. 

I highly doubt he'll be strutting his stuff down our make-believe catwalk, Americas Next Top Model style.

His dance moves?  Right.  I hardly count bobbing up and down with the occasional clap as actual dance moves.  He's got nothing on my version of the worm.  Eh...or yours actually.  Those bruises ever heal?

And guess what?  He can't even dress himself much less compete with all of this awesomeness!

Oh.  Waitaminute.  Who's the little interloper?  Fine.  He's kinda cute but we both know damned well he had help!
Okay.  I get it.  There's really no competing with this.  I don't have the cheeks for it.  I get it okay?  It's FINE.  And you know what I really mean when I say it's fine.  That it's not fine.  You've sat next to me every day for the last 4 years.  You know it's not fine.  Not by a damned long shot!  You know me better than most people.  Despite this, you're still my friend.  You've been my therapist, my voice of reason, my dating counselor.  You've made me laugh my really ugly laugh so hard I've cried and peed at the same time.  You've loaned me your blanket and timed my nap breaks for when I'm sleeping under Cheryl's desk after another bout of insomnia.  You've handed me your box of tissues and listened patiently as I bawled about how overwhelmed I was with work.  The next week I returned the box of tissues as that same workload had finally made it to your desk.

Mason is incredibly lucky to have you as his Mother and despite my selfish ramblings, I am so happy that you get this time with him.

You're one of my best friends and one of the most genuine people I know.  You're generous, thoughtful and the office sweetheart.  For hells sake, you're probably the only one left in the office who is still nice to Toph.
I love you tremendously and will miss you terribly.  It won't be the same without you Candice.     

P.S.  I'm totally staring at the back of your head while you're reading this.