Thursday, July 5, 2012

Lotoja and Instragram. Completely Unrelated.

There's this bicycle road race called Lotoja.  Cleverly named because it begins in Logan, UT and ends in Jackson Hole, WY.  Get it?  Logan to Jackson?  Told you.  Clever.

This race is 206 miles long, also known as 332km, which sounds more impressive.  It's a one day race.  As in, you're expected to peddle your little ass across 3 states (you cut through Idaho in case Geography isn't your thing) in ONE muther huggin day.

Now, for those of you who think I'm considering this race, don't you know me at all by now??  A friend of mine is.  We'll call him....Specialized since that's the brand of bike he rides.  Special for short cause everyone likes a nickname.

Special has been training for this race since September of last year and still has two months to go before the race.  I'm not really sure what that means.  Training, that is.  I only know what my version of training is and I sorta doubt it's the same as Special's.

In my last post, I documented the 10k I ran.   By "ran" I mean slogged through in a drunken stupor and by "10k" I mean we opted for the 5k shortcut.  BUT!  Make no mistake.  I trained damn hard in preparation for this race and I picked up a few tidbits of super wise wisdom along the way that I'd like to impart to you.

Super wise tidbit #1.  When it's snowing, go ahead and stay indoors, have a pizza delivered to your front door and only get up when your wine glass needs refilling.  If, for some contemptible reason, you do venture out, dress appropriately.

That's not bird shit on my head.  It's a giant dollop of snow so lay off.
  If you happen to overdress for a run, this does not mean you should stash your running jacket behind some potted shrubs at the elementary school thinking you'll collect it on your way back.  It also means you should not toss your gloves in the neighbors hedges followed by your hat shoved into a chain link fence.  Know why?  Because chances are good you live in a shady neighborhood and some creepy ass creeper is following along behind you amassing a small fortune (fortune is relative, especially when you're broke) in Nike clothing.

Super wise tidbit #2.  Wounds are oozy and gross.  They don't feel good with acrid, salty, wet bodily excretions dripping into them.  In the form of sweat.  Bandage them accordingly.  Otherwise you will bleed through your tank top and other park goers will give you a wide berth making you feel like Typhoid Mary.  Plus.  It stings really really bad!  Or is it badly?  Pickleope, a little help here?

It's not what you think.  And please ignore the wretched tat.  20+ years ago I thought it a good idea.  Again, lay off!

Wise tidbit #3.  Don't drink and run.  Ever.  Just don't.  Trust me on this one.  Especially when it's dark outside and the sidewalks are uneven with a light dusting of snow and did I mention the shady neighborhood?  Oh what?  Don't believe me?  I'm not a reliable source?   Then ask Tri Girl.  She actually runs marathons and even SHE tried mixing wine with exertion.  They go together like orange juice and milk.  STILL don't believe me?  Drink the concoction and report back.  I like pictures.    

That's all I've got, sadly.  On an unrelated note, the Six-Fingered Monkey hates Instagram.  In an effort to appease his alarming animosity towards this latest trend, he's requested we post an untouched, unfiltered photo which he will do what with?  I've no idea but it was late and I was inebriated when I enthusiastically commented that I was definitely in and DOWN WITH INSTAGRAM!  I need to stop trolling the blogosphere after 10:00.  

The following is a nightmare inducing bus stop photo that I am forced to encounter every day on my return from work.  Her eyes follow me with their judgements and I want to choke her with her own cardigan.  After taking the photo, I finally googled it to find out what the HELL is the problem with cat lovers.  Cause E2 has a cat.  And I love her. 

It's all coming together now...
Please don't wish me dead.