Sunday, May 27, 2012

My Memorial Day Weekend of things I didn't do

Guess what I didn't do this weekend?  I did not have a baby and I did not climb Angel's Landing.  I had plans to do the second but definitely not the first.  I've been avoiding both for quite a number of years now.  I would attempt to explain why but a picture is worth a thousand words.  A thousand words I don't have to come up with.  Instead, google images will do the talking for me.

Doesn't look too bad, right??
WRONG!  It looks VERY bad.  VERY VERY BAD.  Source

My hands have started sweating just looking at the pictures.  And like an idiot, I started reading articles about hikers plummeting a 1000 feet to their death.  I've been to Zion's National Park about a dozen times and have always passed on doing this hike.  There's a warning stating it's not a hike for people fearful of heights.  I am fearful of heights.  Very fearful.  So why in the hell would I even consider putting myself through this?  I still haven't figured that out.  A number of people who have done the hike claim it's no big deal.  Yeah.  I'll bet the ghosts of the people who tumbled off and splattered themselves silly on the rocks below would give a big EFF YOU to the "it's no big deal" comments.

Regardless, it was not to be.  An hour into our drive South, the weather crapped out and we turned around.  I can't say I'm not more than a little relieved.  Because I'm a big stoopid chicken who doesn't like heights and sweats easily.

And that brings us to the second item I did not do this weekend.  Give birth to another human being.  I will not be providing google images of this because I'm afraid of what I might actually see.  And you can't un-see things once they've been seen!  I've tried.  However, this has been on my list of fears for a very long time.  I'm not a fan of pain.  Or blood.  Or having an eight pound parasite try to claw it's way out of my bagina.  And don't even get me started on the mucus plug.

If I were ever to go through child birth I would insist on being knocked out.  Like, all the way out.  So far out I wanna wake up in Tijuana with a donkey in my bed.

Luckily, I'm pretty savvy when it comes to avoiding this whole mess.  My friend Christina and I had a brief discussion on our individual methods of avoiding pregnancy.

Christina: We use the pull out method. 

Me: You know, that's how I came to be.  And my brother.  Great method.  Can't fail with that one.

Christina: Alright then, how do you keep from getting knocked up?

Me: I know not to swallow.  It's almost guaranteed that if that baby batter makes it to your stomach, you're preggers for sure.

Christina: What school did you get your sex ed from?

Me: My parents gave me a pop-up book.

Which CLEARLY my youngest sister didn't read.  On Friday she welcomed the newest addition to her sweet family. 

Little Caden rockin the faux-hawk.

I like when babies don't cry when I hold them.

I asked Tara if I could post some pictures of her on my blog.  She won't text me back.  Weird.