Friday, December 7, 2012

Conversations in Stupidity. And a Giveaway!!!

The company I work for has outgrown the building we're currently in.  They've bought a new building in downtown Salt Lake and we're supposed to move on Monday.  This means I've been packing crap up and sorting through garbage I haven't looked at for years.  This includes old e-mails.  I've decided to share some of the more memorable e-mail exchanges.  Memorable because of their stupidity, or their ridiculousness or simply because it made me smile all over again.  OH!  And the main point of this post before I forget because I'm blogging while more than mildly intoxicated again, a giveaway!

 *GASP*  I KNOW!

I don't do giveaways.  But, Carrie has inspired me with the most generous blog giveaway I've yet to come across.  Okay, sure, I didn't win but in the spirit of Christmas, and Erik's agreement, I'm doin one dammit!

As you all know, Erik is an amazingly talented photographer and he's agreed to let me give away one of his prints in a Christmas giveaway.  The winner will be chosen next Sunday.  I don't know the exact date and I'm not googling a calendar right now.  The size of the print will be 16 x 24 and the actual photo will be your choice.  It will be hard to narrow it down to just one but life is full of challenges.  Click here to decide what you like.  Erik is effing amazing and no I'm not biased!  Also known as www.erikharrison.com 

So here are the rules:

1.  You have to follow my blog via GFC.
2.  You have to follow Vapid Vixen on facebook.
3.  You have to like every post ever posted by Vapid Vixen on facebook.
4.  You have to follow Vapid Vixen on twitter.
5.  You have to refer every person you've ever met to abide by rules stated above and leave a comment pinky promising that you've done everything I've asked of you.

Nah that's bullshit.  There is no VV on facebook or twitter so don't bother looking.  Actually, I have no idea if that's true, there may be.  But it's not me and she won't give you a stunning photo of your choice.  All you have to do to be entered in this contest is leave a comment.  Saying whatever the hell you feel like saying.  What I'm REQUESTING, though not required, is that you tell me which photo is your favorite.  Simply because I'm curious.  Some of his photos that I would never in a million years choose, have been others favorites.

The winner will be chosen by me depending on which blogger is my favorite that day.  What??  Fine.  I'll be diplomatic and will use one of those stupid randomizing thing-a-ma-giggers.

Moving on to the conversations in stupidity.

*Sunshine:  My little secret admirer just told me I was a terrible singer.

Me: Well he can't very well admit that you're like the siren's of fishermen lore leading his heart astray to crash on the rocky shores of infidelity.

Sunshine:  I read that 4 times and still don’t get it…..I think I need to go home…..

Me:  It's cool, cause,

 Sunshine:  You skank!!!  I thought that was a real strawberry.  You're so gross!!!

Me:  So sorry.  This better?  Less confusion??


Sunshine:  There is something really wrong with you.

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You all remember Toph?  Got this little gem from him.

Toph:
Thank you for being a friend.  You are the one in front.

Me:  And you're the short one in red.

Toph:  B.S.!!!  Everyone knows I'm Blanche....(yellow) Zero real friends, hates work, and mildly slutty.

I had no response.  There's no arguing with the truth.

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As part of my job, I find instructors to teach courses for our company in different locations.  Below is a request to teach one of said courses from an instructor with a heavy Southern accent.

*Flynn:  I can teach this class.

Me:  Hi Flynn.  These classes are in Germany.

Flynn:  Have passport.  Will travel.

Me:  Flynn, are you fluent in German?

Flynn:  No.

Me:  .................

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Below is an e-mail that was forwarding it's way through the office accompanied by the response of one of the office employees.


Office Employee:  This freaking cat looks like an owl.

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Anyone remember Napa Paul?  *Sigh*

NP:  Miss Vixen,

Good Afternoon.  How is your day going so far?  Any exciting plans for the weekend?

Cheers!
Napa Paul

Me:  It's after 2:00 in the afternoon and the IT department just got my computer working.  I have a lot of catching up to do.  How about you?

NP:  Sitting in a meeting, being borred. Getting ready to go finishing on the Sonoma Coast for Salmon.

Me:  I thought we talked about the whole spell check thing yesterday Paul.

NP:  My phone doesn't spell check that well.

Me:  That's what school was for.

NP:  What's that?

Me:  Learning how to spell.

NP:  Yes I agree my spelling does stink.  I'm really excited to see you next month in July.

Me:  Next month is June.

NP:  I am excited to see you in July!  Was that spelled right?

Me:  Yes, it was spelled correctly.  Well done.

NP:  Your would be a great teacher... A teacher of what? I could only imagine!

Me:  Oh my effing hell Paul.  You're killing me here!  YOUR would be??  COME ON!!!

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And finally, an e-mail to the entire sales department from my boss.

Cathy:
Who…. is celebrating FIVE…  yes 5 years at PDC as of this first week of October.  This means she officially now earns 15 days (i.e. THREE weeks) of paid vacation and can drive the company Porsche anytime she wants (it might be a Honda Accord or Civic, I’m not sure, don’t quote me).  Either way, we are happy she keeps cruisin’ along with us while having a riot of a time with the OS TEAM, woot woot!  She is the ‘wizard’ of all things instructors and travel and coordination and overall amazingness with the hard work and multiple projects she accomplishes each day.  Stop by and give Dawn a high-five for her wonderfulness!  Thanks Dawn for all you do!

     Cheers & thanks to our happy camper Dawn





Me:  Thanks Cathy and team.  However, I think the picture below may better depict how the last five years have affected me.









One word.    Hot.


 *Names have been changed to protect my overall health and well-being. 
 




 










58 comments:

  1. Oh my gosh! I am sooo excited! This is an awesome giveaway. So generous! I've seen pictures of Eric's on your blog and I think he is truly amazing. I want!

    But man, how hard to decide which is my favorite! I looked and looked around his site, and I think my favorite is Lady in the Wind. My other top favorites are The Glow Within, Paint Brush Burst, and Tiger Eye. All of them have great color and are so artistic. So come on, randomizer! Choose me!

    I'm doing a giveaway, too, although not nearly, nearly as generous! Carrie inspired us, didn't she?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I love how I finally do a giveaway and it's a giveaway of another person's stuff who has to do all the work to make sure the color is right and it's printed properly.

      Did I enter yours yet? I remember reading it but can't remember if I didn't get distracted long enough to comment. Also, love the 5k idea.

      Delete
  2. So, your company is moving physical locations and your first thought was to clean out your email? That's about right.
    They were funny. I would have lost my shit with Napa Paul. Also, your retort picture is hilarious.
    As for the contest, that's a tough decision. I like:
    http://www.erikharrison.com/canyonlands/143-mesa-arch-dawn
    http://www.erikharrison.com/death_valley/66-the-race-track
    http://www.erikharrison.com/death_valley/67-zabriskie-point-at-dawn
    http://www.erikharrison.com/southern_utah/117-follow-your-eye
    Or even http://www.erikharrison.com/arizona/107-stone-bones
    FINE I CAN'T CHOOSE! Are there baseball card sized versions of them? Then I could collect them all.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You're such an ass. And yeah, that's exactly what I did and now with you pointing out how silly that sounds...whatever. It made sense at the time.

      I lose my shit with Napa Paul often. He's actually in town this weekend and we have a lunch date today. Serenity now! This should be good. O_o

      I like the baseball collection idea. I'd plaster my cubie with them then go to a different happy place every hour.

      Delete
  3. Sorry, I've lost the thread of this post.

    ReplyDelete
  4. PAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Sorry, all of these are fabulous. And I love the last picture. You're the bomb dot diggety com. And Erik? Yeah, super talented, I think it would take me a year to pick a print if I won. So... if I won, tell me a year from now.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. A year from tomorrow. Yes. I can guarantee that I'll remember that. ;)

      Delete
  5. When I read your list of things I had to do, I felt so strangely willing to obey you, I shouted YES! and then you said it wasn't really necessary.... I felt so disappointed it hurt. I can't take this emotional roller coaster! I like the picture that you like is all I have to say. Plus: bottoms up.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh my little grumpy minion. I'm sorry for your pain but you're on the right path to recovery with your sentiment of "bottoms up".

      Delete
  6. VV!! I would love to be entered into your most generous giveaway! The floral portraits are most lovely, as are the water shots from Southern Utah. Or can we chose that one of you above? That's something I'd love above our bed....

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh wow this made me laugh. I'll even make it giant sized for you like the picture of Sarah Michelle Gellar in the Ringer. An entire wall is a closeup of that mug.

      Delete
  7. I want one of his EPIC Photos, you wouldn't even need to mail it, one of the Spawn could pick it up.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oooo I like where you're going with this!

      Delete
  8. Oh my gosh....I am so excited-I've seen his pictures on your blog. I will be perusing and come back to post my favorite....my dad and daughter are photographers. I have utmost respect and awe for this gift.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I do too! I used to take my camera and follow along behind him taking shots of the same things he was. Oddly, they never seemed to turn out quite the same.

      Delete
  9. Are you kidding! What an awesome give away. More so than that, your blog always brings a smile to my face, and I find myself laughing out loud whilst reading it. This can be quite damaging if reading it at work, where ones co-worker is quite self couscous and feels one might be laughing at them instead. That being said I perused the images and right now the one that I liked best is:
    http://www.erikharrison.com/landscape/31-abandoned-life

    followed closely by these:
    http://www.erikharrison.com/tetons/181-teton-rays
    http://www.erikharrison.com/sierra_nevada/76-moonset-at-sunrise
    http://www.erikharrison.com/canyonlands/143-mesa-arch-dawn

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm right there with you. I've actually had to send an e-mail once reassuring a coworker that I wasn't actually laughing at her while on the phone, staring directly at her and guffawing like a drunken mule.

      Delete
  10. Ahahaha, the catowl is cracking me up.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I wish I could say the same but I was too stunned trying to figure out if the coworkers response was sincere or sarcastic. Then I remembered that coworker doesn't do sarcasm.

      Delete
  11. Okay - just strolled through...WOW!!!

    Here are my picks:
    http://www.erikharrison.com/arizona/129-starry-night
    http://www.erikharrison.com/southern_utah/169-full-moon-mittens
    http://www.erikharrison.com/tetons/181-teton-rays
    http://www.erikharrison.com/southern_utah/93-lost-in-time
    http://www.erikharrison.com/sierra_nevada/76-moonset-at-sunrise

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Our first Christmas together, he let me choose one of his photos as a gift and had it matted and framed. I chose the first one you just listed. I love it! Which reminds me, I need to get that back from my parents house.

      Delete
  12. These are just amazing!! WOW! I'm glad I stopped by. My favourite is Fire in Stone (Arizona). And I would have followed you every way you wanted to enter this giveaway. My, that sounded dirty, didn't it?

    ReplyDelete
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  14. You're too funny.

    No worries though, looks aren't everything!

    I'll pick a photo if and only if I win. And I know I won't win as I am unlucky when it comes to winning awesome stuff.
    but I ramble...

    (Edited because you hate poor grammar and misspelling.)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. YOU'RE funny! Your statement in parenthesis made me giggle. You know me well. For not really knowing me. I still find it so odd that we've never actually met. I feel like we have. Or should have. Tell your Mom hi for me sometime would ya? I always liked your family. Ahhh now I'm all mission nostalgic. And I'm suddenly feeling the urge to swear. Or take a shot.

      Delete
    2. P.S.

      Still waiting for your first blog post!

      Delete
    3. I'll get right on that blog post as soon as I get a work week under 60 hours..... O_o

      There is so much I could use as material right now given recent events, being father to spawn #3, politics, the economy... your face .... no... wait how did that get in there?

      Anyhow you've inspired me to get cracking.

      In any case I have the placeholder ready for my powndit blog, as a satire on satirical pundits.
      I just have to get my mind clear, or semi transparent, or even just less opaque. We'll see...

      Delete
    4. For only having really met twice in passing I feel like I know and connect with you on a slightly awkward, yet safe level. I'll live vicariously through you and you can do the same if you wish.

      Also...
      When the Hell are you guys gonna come visit the Redwoods for some awesome ultra crunchy super hipster fabulous photog and camping time?
      (Said in the most pejorative Asian accent Seth McFarlane could ever come up with.)

      Delete
  15. I'm pretty sure when I win I may have to redecorate so my favorite will be done justice.

    http://www.erikharrison.com/southern_utah/117-follow-your-eye

    Beautiful.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I love your confidence! Erik has this one printed on metal and it's so beautiful. This was also the 9 hour hike from hell that almost killed me. It's been over a year now so I can almost say "it was worth it" and nearly mean it.

      Delete
  16. vv i offivciaally request you and the erik ti attend burning man 2013 the picphotography is endless there. i like blackand white please you wobnt regret it. and it is easy going when tou go with vetern burnerrs.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. He would be in aesthetics heaven. And from what I've heard from you and Brett and Rich, it's something I need to experience at least once before I drop. This next year though, we've already got our vacation days planned for England. OH! Solution! I'll quit my job. We just moved to a new building so this will save me the time of unpacking everything.

      Delete
  17. I love your blog and Eric's photos! My top favourites are - Alta Sunset because it reminds me of growing up in Switzerland for some reason, and Fire in the West because I never get tired of sunsets and sunrises.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I love his sunset and sunrise shots as well. When I'm with him on these adventures I do have to say I love sleeping more than watching him setting up in the freezing cold pre-dawn darkness shivering and wondering what the hell I'm doing awake and out of bed at such an ungodly hour. But then the sun comes up and I remember.

      Delete
  18. I have such a headache, I needed a good laugh today. Thanks for giving it to me.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You make me smile BB. I hope you're feeling better by now.

      Delete
  19. Wow, his photos are awesome. But none are better than the last one of you in this post. Although I don't want that in 3x5 much less 16x24.

    I concur with MoMo. You two should do Burning Man. E can shoot it and write it all off.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think you missed the best part though. Did you notice the herpes on my bottom lip?


      Wanna make out?

      Delete
  20. Hey Gorgeous -"Mine Shack" is my favorite. You may not know this, but I besides being a mediocre professional writer, I am a mediocre photographer. And I appreciate and admire the work that goes into "light painting." And you know I love me some Toph stories. :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I really really wish you'd post more pictures of your stuff. Do it! I honestly never knew so much work went into the finished product of a photo. It's amazing.

      Ugh. Toph. We just had our department Christmas party Thursday night. I've got another Toph story coming soon.

      Delete
  21. This is a very useful article for the readers, especially for me

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh absolutely. I was definitely going for useful and informative. I feel so gratified that you will find a use for this blog post in your personal edification.

      Delete
  22. All of the Teton shots. Amazing work

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I LOVED that trip. He got a lot of good ones then.

      I ALWAYS pick you John. You're the one who turns me down more often than not!

      Delete
  23. I love Millcreek Canyon Ridge it looks like Frodo and co. is about to run along it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ha! I never thought of it like that before but now I like it even more!

      Delete
  24. I just discovered this blog recently. I now read it the same way I read Charles Dickens novels... one small portion at a time, savouring each post. If I read too fast, I will run out of material! This blog is comic brilliance, and it has heart and soul; it is moral and unhinged in exactly the right proportion; and, the author of this blog manages to make it all look totally effortless, as if being so damn funny and observant is as easy as smiling.

    Give the awesome photograph to anyone asking... i'm in this blog for the blog's sake.

    Thanks, VV.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm printing this comment off, framing it and hanging it where I can see it every day. Then, when I have a day where I'm feeling down, I'll simply have to look up, see this comment and whisper to myself, "comic brilliance" and all will be right again.

      I know I already told you in the e-mail, but your kind words have seriously made my month. Thank you again. :) :)

      Delete
  25. Well, I know I won't win the prize as your favorite blog, but I love the emails and the genius who noted that the cat looks like an owl without the slightest irony. The photo of you at the bottom is awesome. It just screams "merry Christmas!"

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. LOLOLOL! How did that person not get it?????? I'm STILL baffled.

      Damn. I think I missed a golden opportunity for this years Christmas card. Remind me about this next year, yeah?

      Delete
  26. Well.... Blanche is hot. But then I'm from the eighties...

    ReplyDelete
  27. http://www.erikharrison.com/southern_utah/116-my-stop

    Ok so I haven't really gone through all the pictures yet but... pruple is my favorite color and I really miss Southern UT so I pick this. for now. Even though the contest is over. I'm tired. shut up.

    ReplyDelete
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    ReplyDelete