Saturday, December 1, 2012

Boobs. Don't Get Excited. It's Not What You Think.

This is the last question in Carrie's 8 week long contest and per usual, I've waited until the last day to post.  Also, I have a birthday party I still need to get ready for so this post is gonna be quick and dirty.  Emphasis on the dirty.  But not the good kind...well, that depends on who you are, actually.  Stay with me here.

This week we were given two questions to choose from.

If you could be locked in somewhere overnight, where would it be and what would you do?  Would you be by yourself or with someone, and if so, who?

or...

Many of us have that one moment or decision that, if we could go back, we would choose differently.  If you could go back and get a do over, what would you do?


I choose the "do-over" question.  And my do-over moment would be my boobs.

This picture made me think of boobs and then I giggled.  Until I realized it would mean these poor boobs both have inverted nipples.  Which are gross.  But I'm in a hurry.  And don't want to google boobs anymore.


While I was in the middle of my longest relationship to date, I realized I was in competition for my significant others affections.  Not with just one other woman.  Nope.  It was with thousands of other women.  Perfectly sculpted and perfectly enhanced women with the sexual prowess and endurance of the hottest of energizer bunnies.  Yep.  He had it bad for porn.  Real bad.

I decided I'd better step up my game.  Having searched his history, I knew what he preferred.  And it wasn't what I had.

One little trip to the operating room, a slice here, and a shove there, and easy peasy.  Bigger boobs for Vapid!

Oddly enough, the relationship didn't last and we now live on opposite sides of the country.  Oh.  And I loathe porn.  I don't usually get very passionate or worked up.  I'm pretty apathetic about most things in life.  But porn?  I despise it.  I hate everything it does and everything it stands for.  I know that once again, this isn't the popular vote and again, I don't give a shit.  I know first hand how damaging it is.  It's damaging to the women in the life of the men who engage in it and it's damaging to men themselves to the point of physically and chemically altering the brain in negative ways.  

It's destroyed lives, it's destroyed relationships and it's destroyed families.  For someone to say it's "just porn", that person is an ignorant, mentally deficient imbecile who is too obtuse to see past their own dick.

So yeah.  Porn makes me angry.  Men being weak and pathetic with their addictions makes me angry.  The fact that I caved in to my insecurities to try to please a weak and pathetic man makes me disgusted with myself  and pitifully deplorable. 

Boobs.  That's my do-over.



40 comments:

  1. This is awesome. I'm strongly anti-porn because the whole industry is intertwined with everything wrong with the world- drugs, sex trafficking, crime. Watching it is keeping the scum of humanity comfortable in their sorry lives. Boo, porn. Boo.

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    1. Boo indeed. I couldn't agree more. I can't think of a single positive thing that it has to offer.

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  2. hahaha inverted nipples!!! I am sorry you got boobs for the wrong reasons :(
    I thought I liked porn one night...... BUT....it only lasted a minute LOL so did he, then we were like okay now what??? So um yep I just don't get the addiction to it.....GOOD LUCK on the give away!!! Janice

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    1. I uh...seriously chuckling right now because I have no idea how to respond to this. :)

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  3. Well, you got the boobs for a boob, but they are still your boobs, and I'm sure they are awesome :) We've all done dumb things for a guy. I've never done anything as drastic as having surgery for one, but I've definitely been who I wasn't for one.

    I just don't get porn. It's not sexy to me at all...I mean, everyone is faking. Why is that hot? Honestly, I would probably get more turned on by watching an amatuer movie with real people who had a little flab and were actually attracted to one another, than watching a professional movie. It's so accessible now, too, so I can't imagine having a man who was addicted to it. It's way too easy to watch.

    Good luck in the contest!

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    1. I DID get boobs for a boob and I am glad they're my boobs. Just not glad for the reason I got them. :) I am glad (well, sort of) that I'm not the only girl to do silly things for a man.

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  4. Well, you're not the last to link up. I'm in after you are. I got caught up in watching an exceptionally well acted and directed movie with my wife. Then she went to bed exhausted and I still had a post to write.

    But it wasn't a porn movie, it was Star Trek. And my wife was exhausted because she had been stripping all day. um.....stripping wallpaper, not the naked one.

    Good luck on the contest. :)

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    1. LOL!!! Well done Sir! And I'm glad you got in on the action. Er, the blogging action that is.
      I liked your answer to the do-over. Very sweet.

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  5. Hold on, how are your boobs the do-over? You would want to artificially inflate them to accomodate the perversion of your ex? Or you just want to make them capable of destroying planets with only a small hole that a young Jedi with experience in bombing whomp-rats will be able to make explode?
    For me, porn is too subjective a term to universally demonize. Yes, we can all identify recorded sex as porn, but some people consider the show "Two and a Half Men" porn...and I'd agree. Let's ban Two and a Half Men!

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    1. I ALREADY had them artificially inflated to accommodate the perversion of my ex. That's the do-over. Although, if the whole destroying planets is a viable option, I'd gladly accept. Weirdo.
      Is that show seriously still running? I think the banning of it shall be my Christmas miracle wish.

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  6. It depends on the porn. A lot of porn films are aimed at the idea of what men want but there is porn aimed at women that is not exploitational. Fifty Shades of Grey is porn but is widely accepted. One of the best porn films I've seen involved a couple who woke up one day and had somehow switched bodies. So they decided to have sex to see how it was like from the other genders point of view. It was fairly basic sex scenes but the premise of each of them exploring each other from the other way around made it much more exciting. My wife loved it too.

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    1. I agree. There are many different versions and opinions and definitions of what constitutes as porn. The Fifty shades of Grey...*sigh*. A coworker e-mailed me the pdf. I never made it past page 70ish I think? After reading about her biting her lip for the 15 millionth time and realizing I was audibly groaning at the utter asininity of it all, I refused to go on.

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  7. I am completely with you on the subject of porn. It infuriates me like nothing else. What ticks me off most is the way so many people address it as a harmless endeavor. It is NOT harmless. The impact is far-reaching. I can't stand it. So I am completely with you on this. 110 % percent!

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    1. I'm happy I'm not the only one who gets angry about it. There is nothing okay or harmless about it.

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  8. Amen about porn. A-freaking-men.

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    1. *double high-five* So would that be a high ten?

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  9. I also hate porn and all that goes with it. Thank God it is not an issue in my adult life. However I know the effects of it and feel strongly it is only a negative influence. I admire this post and your sharing of it.

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    1. Thank you McGuffy. I know I often over-share on here and probably write things that I should keep personal, but I've never been one who is big on common sense. ;)

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  10. A winner has been selected and posted!

    I am completely grateful to have had this contest so that I could meet YOU, Vapid Vixen! You are one of those people that I just know I would be able to sit and talk with for hours over chips and salsa and some great ritas! Thank you for participating! I hope you will come by the hammock from time to time and I will most certainly visit your place here regularly!

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    1. It's been a blast and I still can't believe your generosity in hosting this contest in the first place. Incredible! Very excited to see the winner and hopefully it will make up for them not being able to spend Christmas together. And as for those margaritas and chips, you know where to find me!!! :)

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  11. So weird, I know I commented. Now it's just going to sound odd to tell you that I don't like my boobs either...especially since maybe you actually do like yours, just not the reason behind getting them. Anyway, um. Yeah.

    Also, down with exploitation.

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    1. DOWN WITH EXPLOITATION! I'm kind of in the mood to sport a sash all Mary Poppins women's suffrage style with down with exploitation on it.

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  12. I am right there with you in your porn hatred! Since I'm married to a man who studies a lot of feminist things, he also is not a fan and hates the stereotype that all men are into porn. Knowing people who are involved in helping people out of human trafficking, they find that the victims are becoming used more and more in sick ways that men are fantasizing about from their porn habits. It infuriates me to no end and sickens me even more. I'm glad to know you are the same way but I'm sorry for the pain it caused you.

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    1. OH! It's really just so nauseating the horrible things we humans do to one another. We could use a few more feminist men. Tell hubbers to keep up the good work.

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  13. Oh young one. If I could only have half of what I have and you could have that half, we'd both be so happy...

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    1. Where were you when I needed you years ago???

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  14. I had an ex who was obsessed with the porn and constantly harassed me to get my boobs done. For YEARS. I had never felt insecure about my breasts until I met this man. I actually was considering having a boob job, and when he said I had to have "D"s or he wasn't paying for them, I finally snapped out of it. I mean, to go from A-cup to a D-cup on a small, athletic frame .... that's nuts. I would have looked like a freaking Barbie doll.

    That man is long gone and my breasts are still here. Still small. Sometimes I wish I had a little more to fill out a certain dress or a bikini top, but then I remember the chicken cutlets and slip a pair inside and everything's cool again.

    Laugh!

    I'm sorry you changed for a man, but think of me the next time you wear a dress and your boobs actually fill in the top. Or think of me the next time you're sweating and dancing on at a party or a wedding and you don't have to casually scoop up your chicken cutlet when it suddenly slides down your body and onto the dance floor.

    True story.

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    1. Oh for the love. I'm a healthy sized gal and I only went with a C. I giggled trying to picture you staying upright and balanced with a pair of monstrous D's. That makes me happy you were smart enough not to cave in. On the upside of small boobs, it's never uncomfortable when you exercise.

      I can NOT stop intermittently laughing about your wedding dance floor story. Erik keeps nudging me telling me to pipe down.

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  15. No porn... okay. But I draw the line at inverted nipples. ;)

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    1. Okay okay! I'm willing to compromise. Inverted nipples galore for you!

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  16. I am with ya on the porn. But i wouldn't mind a lift, i have to say.
    I like this contest, because I get to see more Vixen posts. :)

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    1. Hah! Contest is OVER. No posts for a MONTH! I haven't looked at plastic surgery sites for years but last I did, don't the lifts leave some pretty gnarly scars? Or maybe I'm thinking of reductions.

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  17. I confess I have glanced at porn a few times. I hate it for the cheesy acting and equally cheesy plots. I also hate how it tries to portray women...with their perfect curves and bleached assholes. It's all fake. A lot of women think that the porn star women is how us men prefer our women to look. Wrongo! I am a fan of natural beauty, even the imperfections. Why? Because it's real!

    I'm glad you chose your boobs as a do-over. Although I'm sure they look great, any man who needs that is not a good man.

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    1. Bleached assholes. I've met a few of them in my time. And they weren't women.

      So glad there are still men who can appreciate the natural feminine curves. :)

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  18. Yeah, that's me, too. I want to get rid of these boobs.

    No wait, that's not me. I'm a guy. But anyway, I have seen porn and I have seen porn boobs and I somehow went back to watching regular TV. Not that regular TV isn't filled with porn boobs, too, but that's another story. If they put a smiley face on boobs and had them tell jokes I think that'd be awesome, but failing that I like general comedies, like Modern Family. I don't think Sofia Vergara has porn boobs, but I could be wrong. Someone said Julie Bowen had a boob job after having twins, but I don't know if its true or not. She doesn't take her shirt off on the show so I don't think we ever got a chance to take an educated guess. Anyway, these days comedies are my porn. I never really got into the porn habit. But from what you've said its just as well that I didn't.

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    1. For the record, there are plenty of men who want to get rid of their boobs.

      Ms. Vergara does not have porn boobs. I read that she was told she'd never make it in the industry unless she got a reduction. She didn't listen. Clearly the right choice. I love Modern Family. If that qualifies as porn, then I suppose I'm an addict after all.

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    2. I love how many people were told they'd never make it because they were too short (Vanna White, Kate Moss, Jenny McCarthy, Tom Cruise) or their boobs were too big (Heidi Klum, Sofia Vergara, Tyra Banks, John Goodman) or their hair was too red (Angie Everhart) or they were too fat (Molly Sims) or too young-looking (Claudia Schiffer) or too flawed (Cindy Crawford) because of her mole and then they went on to prove them all wrong.

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  19. Ya got 'em, ya might as well flaunt them. Nothing wrong with that.

    Porn? Yeah. I thought it was something when I was young and dumb. Now I watch it and ask- how is This supposed to turn me on? Really? Shut the tv off and get busy or get out!

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    1. I was asked the other day why I wear such low-cut shirts. So, I guess that means I do flaunt em.

      Get busy or get out! LOL! I concur. :)

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