Monday, October 1, 2012

Is There A Way To Block Your Mother From Reading Your Blog?

I went to a wedding in Washington this past June.  Erik's cousin was getting married so he asked me to go with him and meet all of his family that I hadn't yet.  Both of his parents live in Pennsylvania and they were the only family I'd met.  He's got a schload of family.  Cousins, Aunts, Uncles and his sister were all going.  I promised him I wouldn't embarrass him

That was a promise I was not able to keep.

I flew into Seattle where Erik picked me up and we headed to Anacortes where the bride and groom were living.  Before we were even out of the car his Mom and Sister were out the front door to greet us with giant bear hugs.  His Sister was sarcastic, witty and drank before 5pm.  I liked her immediately.

The house was bursting at the seams with his family and people I didn't know.  I was overwhelmed at times and a little claustrophobic.  I will admit that I had to bail for awhile and hid out in the truck for about 30 min's before I was retrieved to ask what kind of wine his Sister should get for me at the store.

She returned with a six pack of wine.  I never knew such things could exist.  I was now thoroughly in love.

The next day we took the ferry to Friday Harbor and made our way to the cabin we would be staying at on Roche Harbor for the next couple of nights.

I'd forgotten how much I missed living near an ocean.

The $400/night "cabin" we had to rough it in.

 Roche Harbor was absolutely beautiful.  I grew up in a little place on Lake Ontario called Port Dalhousie and this place made me feel like I was back there as a little girl.  Only now I had boobs.  A boyfriend.  And I could drink.  Other than that, exactly the same.


The first night there was a pre-wedding party down on the beach.  It was quite a distance from the harbor and our cabins.  They had white tents and heat lamps set up.  Catered food and an open bar complete with a nice young chap who would pour you as many glasses of wine as you desired.  Also on site for your bowel evacuation needs?  A Honey Bucket.  Also known as a port-o-potty.  I made it clear at the beginning I would NOT be stepping foot inside of that atrocity.  Trying to disguise it's revolting purpose by naming it something sweet and inviting wasn't going to work in luring me in.  I would simply hold it until we got back.  I was taking a stand.

Taking a stand is easy to do when you're not 4 glasses of vino into the evening.  

By now it's dark and everyone is milling around the random heat lamps and huddling next to the fire pit.  My bladder and my mind are at war with each other when I hear one of his cousins mention she has to pee.  I pounce like a fat chick on an eclair and convince her to take a stroll with me in the woods where refined  ladies do their peeing.  Not in the poorly named Honey Bucket of disgrace.

She'd just met me the day before so in her defense she didn't know any better when she agreed.  With arms linked we skip off into the woods and head up a hill.  She goes to one side, I go to the other.  I drop trou and breathe a sigh of relief as a torrent of recycled wine waters the forest floor.  I reach down to pull up my undies when, wait.  What's this?  Where the hell are my underwear?  I look down and realize in my inebriated rush, I somehow forgot to pull them down with my pants.

I have just pissed my underwear.  At my boyfriends family function.

Ugh!  With pants around my ankles, I waddle over to the nearest tree screeching for my pee pal, Emily, to help hold me up while I struggled out of the offending clothing.  I get them off and fling them into the darkness of night.

As we head back to the fire, I warn her, "Not a word that I'm going commando, right?".  She simply giggles in response.

The guys are standing around the fire pit holding their beers and smirking.  Erik is just looking at me and shaking his head.
Emily's husband asks, "Did you two know everyone could see you?".  He motions with his beer and I look up the hill to the spot where we just were and sure enough, it was directly in the line of vision for anyone on the beach facing the woods.
He continues, "and just what the hell were you doing up there?  Which of you was the waddler?" 
I hang my head in shame and Emily blurts out my secret which is immediately followed by howls of laughter from everyone who was within earshot.

The next day I had an odd pang of conscience and decided tossing your underwear into the forest is the equivalent of littering.  And that just wouldn't do. 

On my hike back through the harbor to the beach and then the woods, I had to pass the wedding party going through their rehearsal.  One of the groomsmen saw me, waved, and asked if I was going to buy new underwear. 

I resisted the urge to shoot him the bird and walked faster.

After scrabbling through possible poison oak, I located the urine soaked panties and shoved them in my jacket pocket. 

On my way back I ran into the Father of the Groom and one of the other girls.  They stop me to chit chat asking what I'm up to this morning.  I mumble something about having to run an errand.  She says, "Oh yeah?  And errand?" while looking at me expectantly. 

I stare at her like a demented deer caught in urine yellow headlights while I imagine the panties in my pocket soaking through my jacket, creating a giant pee stain that spreads across my entire right side. 

4 seconds of non-responsive silence. 

I finally mutter something, seriously no idea what, and take off towards the cabin wondering why in the hell I ever  promised Erik I wouldn't embarrass him.  We both should have known better.

Eventually it's time for the wedding.  We get dressed and head down.  I didn't know the venue when I packed for the trip.  I took 4" heels.  The venue included this treacherous cobblestone hill.

Which is actually way steeper than it looks.
Which goes around the properties...

Winds around the gardens...

And then to the grass where heels tend to sink and not fare too well.
 Erik chastised me for my choice in footwear as I nearly went down like a bag of dirt twice in 30 seconds.  I looked down at his feet then back at him questioningly.  He had forgotten his shoes altogether and was wearing his chacos with his suit.  A classy pair we made.

The Bride knew to wear flats.  Cheater.
Erik and his Sister (who was one of the groomsmen) deciding if my shoes would make a better beer stein or a weapon.
Erik's cousin Emily.  AKA, my pee pal.

The Bride dancing with the Best Man.  Kay, not really, he's the Groom.

Traditional North American Wedding dance.  The Groom is the one with the tie around his head.  


I honestly don't know how everyone managed to wake up in time to catch the ferry back to Anacortes the next morning.  

 
  In conclusion, I would like to say it was a grand time had by all and though I may have peed myself, I feel it imperative I point out that this last picture is NOT a picture of me puking into the back seat.  Thank you very much.



39 comments:

  1. Oh, no...too good XD

    You are keeping up a fine tradition of female woodspeeing - 4.5 out of 5 in-the-woods-peeing by a female human ends up being a story. Join the club - we have an annual waddling parade.

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  2. When I got to the part where you forgot to pull your underwear down, I went OHH NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO because that is SO unfortunate for you. Oh well, at least its good blog fodder.

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  3. It's the fact everyone saw you that brought the tears of laughter to my eyes. Classic!

    And I could not figure out how to block my mother from reading my blog, so I moved it to a new name and address. I'm sure you'll recognize it though!

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  4. I about pissed when you pissed your panties! Good stuff there!

    Sounds like you had a great time!

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  5. What a gorgeous place for a wedding. Kind of like a fantasy but you peeing? That made it all real for me.

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  6. I'm awful at peeing in the woods. When I was a wee lass I totally peed all over my leg. whoops. I learned an important lesson that day, be the freak who takes your pants completely off one leg, then you can kind of toss them to the side and pee with the knowledge that you won't have to sport wet piss pants the rest of the night. That venue is beautiful, and I love the color of your heels!

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  7. I was laughing like a hyena with strep throat when I got to the part where they could see you two idiots peeing in the woods.

    And I say "idiots" with love and affection.

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  8. You put the pissy panties in your pocket!?! Panties are biodegradable so you could have just left them to nature. Damn that was funny.
    Also, "Honey Bucket of Disgrace" is my favorite Melvins cover band.

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  9. You were here?????? And you didn't tell me??????
    I almost couldn't read the rest of your email because that distressed me so much, but then I read the part about how everyone could see you peeing and I face palmed. For real.

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  10. I'm laughing so hard at this, I had to tell the other people in my cubicle what I was chortling like a mad woman about!

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  11. You may have peed your pants, but anybody who chooses a squat in the woods over those nasty-azz cess-pools is alright in my book. Clearly, you're a genius. Urine-soaked panties and all.

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  12. Your woodland urine adventure will guarantee you a place in the family history, you should be very proud. This is one of the best wedding stories I have heard in ages and the photos are beautiful. Top stuff.

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  13. Lovely pictures my dear. Your boobs are fantastic.

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  14. Through all misfortune, it still looked like a really good time :-)! Lovely pics, and I miss the ocean every single day.

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  15. You're making me feel homesick with all the photos of my State! (and crazy family stories!) ;) Glad you had a wonderful time despite pissing your panties! hehehe

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  16. Despite you soiling the grounds of the party with your obnoxious disregard for things such as oh, I don't know, good behavior, acting like an adult and peeing in potties, I sure like the looks of this area - I want to go! Very cool.

    And this story is why you are awesome Dawn. Come pee in the woods of Colorado anytime.

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  17. That had to be fun and next time you know not to promise anyone you will not em-bare-ass them. Sorry, I couldn't help that, it slipped in there on it's own.

    Sounds like you had a good time though.

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  18. Oh and I am right there with you on the port-a loo's. I will take my chances in a scary, dark, back alley any day over one of those.

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  19. Your blog post just made my night.
    I love that you peed your pants not because you didn't make it to the woods, but because you forgot to pull down your underwear. I wish I could say that you aren't alone, but I can't. I'm sorry. Now I will just laugh at your expense.

    Seriously, though - it looks like it was a gorgeous wedding! And peeing your pants sure beats going in a "honey bucket" or whatever the eff they wanna call their portapotty.

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  20. Dear Lord, that's quite a story! I'd never heard of a pee pal before so I guess I've learned something today.

    Now excuse me while I make some urgent phonecalls in seach of a suitable... pee pal.

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  21. ohhh,
    now THAT is unfortunate!
    Unfortunate and hilarious. I love the way you tell a story. :) Great pictures of a gorgeous spot too!
    I am also seriously opposed to porto potties. And it was seriously not cool that my toddler/now 7 year old had an obsession with them. Disgusting, and really really really hard on a germophobe...

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  22. I think I'd like to trade in my life for yours. Aside from the peeing in your own underpants part the rest sounds really fun and exciting. I haven't had fun and exciting in a long time. People should pay you to come to their weddings and make sure there is excitement to make it memorable. Seriously.

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  23. Pee??

    Dancing? Bumping uglies?

    WHAT IN THE WORLD?

    No worries, your mom will quit reading on her own.

    After tonight, I imagine.
    xo

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  24. hilarious. bet your man can't wait to take you to the next family wedding!

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  25. Oh, God, how awful! Just peeing yourself would have been bad enough, but having everyone see you on top of it! And I cringe mostly because it is exactly the kind of thing that would happen to me. It sounds like you were well-liked in spite of it all, though :)

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  26. You had me howling at the title alone, but the rest of the post was brilliant, and hilarious, and even though, I'm not much of a drinker, I would totally take you out just for the show. I promise I'd pack extra panties in my purse for you...you know, just in case.

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  27. This. This is HILARIOUS!!! And so something I might do. Fun-neh!!!

    By the by, don't forget to come back to the give-away post and put your link there at the bottom, as well as linking to my blog in your post! :) Have fun!

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  28. Oh man, I feel so bad for you. At least you took their laughter like a champ. I probably would have huddled in a corner for the rest of the trip in shame.

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  29. The cup half full view young one is that at least you didn't trust a fart that really wasn't a fart; something you have to look forward to in your sunset years. (Not that I would know anything about that of course.)

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  30. And that explains why it's cool to be a guy....we can pee anywhere! hahaha! Take that female!

    Sounds like a great wedding and the place looks gorgeous! I wanna go there!

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  31. Girl, you do know how to party. :-)

    Pearl

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  32. This post was hilarious! I can totally relate; the last wedding that I went to I ended up salsa dancing with no shoes, pantyhose, or bra and puking about 3 bottles of wine. I know, I'm a classy chick! (Usually I am!) Lol! I stopped by and am your newest follower and was hoping that you might stop by my blog and follow me too!

    www.enjoyingtheepiphany.com


    Thank you!
    Sarah

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  33. OMGoodness Darling... I've MISSED you! xoxo

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  34. I love a blog with pictures. It's funny you grew up on Lake Ontario. I have a little summer house on the shore of Lake Ontario.

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  35. Kana- This is a parade I'd actually show up for!

    Gia- I suppose there's something to be said for that, at least.

    Azara- I'm still puzzling over who you are. I KNOW YOU!!!

    NicePeace- I'm pissed that you didn't actually piss when you read about me pissing.

    Middle Child- I have a tendency to ruin others fantasies.

    Jordan- Where was this advice when I needed it??? I loved the heels too. Too bad I didn't actually get to wear them.

    Mandy- Love and affection and laughing at my stupidity. I wouldn't expect anything less from you. :)

    Pickleope- They weren't edible panties. There would be no biodegrading for quite some time.

    Tri-Girl- I totally suck! But in my defense, it wasn't really my trip. It was Erik's family thing so I had no say! Although, I totally should have invited you to the wedding to come pee in the woods with me. And is it weird that I got happy about your face palm?

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  36. Kellie- Chortling. The world needs more of that. :)

    Dawn- Yup. We should live in the same zip code.

    Tony- Surprisingly, his family still talks to me.

    Bama- As are yours. :)

    Annika- It's worth missing. Hopefully you'll be reunited soon.

    PCP- Oh no! But once you're back home, you'll miss all your adventures abroad.

    Wow- Thanks for the invite. I think. I've never soiled the grounds of CO...or ever been in that state. That I know of.

    Pixie- em-bare-ass? Oh geez. Well done though. Well done. :) At least with the alleys you know who's watching.

    Alyx- Well, thanks for at least wanting to commiserate with me even if you couldn't. The sentiment is still appreciated.

    RCB- You can find anything online nowadays.

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  37. I just saw that I wrote "email" instead of "post". What a dork. And I will forgive you since it wasn't *your* trip :)

    But I keep seeing all these beautiful photos of you, and they look nothing like your avatar...(not that she's ugly she just doesn't look like you!) So, since you talked about peeing in your underwear, I feel like I can move past how awkward it would normally be to ask this question so far after meeting you online, but I have to know: who is that a picture of?

    *Sorry for the longest run on sentence ever.

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  38. Jessica- OH my holy night. I am so sorry. That is a most unfortunate obsession to have. What ever happened to dinosaurs? Or trains?

    Memphis Steve- I like this idea. People pay me to disgrace myself in public rather than the usual way I do it for free.

    Empress- One can only hope.

    Robyn- He's a saint among men.

    Kianwi- Oddly enough, his Father and Sister are allowing me along on the family trip to England.



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  39. Sandra- I would have loved you forever had you been at the wedding with an extra pair of panties. :)

    CLR- I finally linked up! Yay!

    DWei- Does huddling in the corner of my mind in shame count? Cause I totally did that.

    BB- Ummm...I have a story about that as well. THAT one I refuse to share with the world. This made me laugh though.

    Workingdan- Take that female?? LOL! Ka-POW!

    Pearl- I think I could use a little more practice.

    Sarah- Oh holy hell! Please tell me someone got a picture of this? I will definitely stop by!

    COCM- And I've missed YOU Caffe. I've fallen deplorably behind in my blog reading. :(

    Phil- Do you really?? I was just telling someone about the historic carousel that still charges just a nickel.

    TriGirl- I actually burst out laughing reading your comment. The avatar really is me. I read your comment to Erik and he said, "Yeah, that's you. It's the you I see the majority of the time". He thinks he's funny. :)

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