Friday, August 17, 2012

Mother Hugging Showers!

Hey Gang!  Check out this super exciting e-mail I got 9 days ago! 

Please join us for a

Baby Shower
Fake Name
(Our Awesome French Translator)
Friday, August 17th
12:00 p.m. in the 2nd floor training room
This is Fake name’s 2nd baby boy!

And guess who is now going to sound like a complete and total jerk for not wanting to go?  This girl!  With two ovaries and an empty womb.
Here’s the thing.  I live in Utah.  Utah is ranked 8th for the highest number of marriages per year.  I’m now in my 30’s.  Math has never been my strong point but that adds up to a lot of mother hugging showers. 

I’m at the point now where I audibly groan when I get that little “save the date” announcement in the mail.  Because I know what’s coming.  
Buying a gift for a bridal shower that involves a room full of women squealing over the shiny ring and games that include wrapping the soon to be bride in toilet paper.  I don’t recall why.
Then I buy a gift for the actual wedding which involves standing in a line for an hour or so while I wait to greet the entire wedding party (who I don’t know and will never see again) to then sit at a table with more people I don’t know and sip punch with bits of pineapple floating in it while admiring the crepe paper that has been strung up in a tragic attempt to camouflage the basketball hoop.
This, naturally, is followed a few months later with the exciting news that I now get to buy another gift.  Only this time it’s for someone who doesn’t even have the decency to be born yet before asking for presents. 
Cue baby shower which involves even more females squealing and games that include diapers that have been micro-waved with a chocolate bar in them.  I don’t recall why.
And all of this for just one couple.  Now multiply that by oohhh let’s keep it conservative and say 4 times a year.  That adds up people!  I’ve got bills to ignore pay!  Not to mention that 3 times out of 4, these are people I haven’t spoken to in years.  I’m not even friends with them on facebook much less in real life.  In fact, how do they even get my address?? 
Now, before you go thinking I’m a baby hating marriage cynic, you should understand something.  This shower today?  Is for someone I DON’T EVEN KNOW!  I wouldn’t be able to pick her out of a pregnant lineup if my wine collection depended on it.  (Although lets be serious, there is no collection.  And I think we all know why) 
Also, I find it rather telling that in the invitation itself, they had to specify the position this woman holds in the company which clearly proves I’m not the only one who has no idea who I’m supposed to be buying a gift for.  Which I didn’t by the way.  Because it’s two days before payday and I wasn’t planning on going because oh, did I mention, I DON’T KNOW WHO THIS LADY IS.  But guess what?  I am going and I’m going to tell you why.  I’m going to this shower so that she’ll be obligated to come to MY shower.  Oh, you heard right.
I’m throwing myself my own mother hugging shower!  I’m technically single and I’m not pregnant and if anything deserves a shower THOSE two things do.  And guess what else?  It’s going to be coed.  Those bullshit days where the guys get out of these damn things are OVER!  Where are MY strippers?  Where is MY cake?  Actually screw that.  I don’t even like cake.  I’m having chili cheese fries and booze.  And helium balloons.  Because I like the way show tunes sound after sucking up a lungful of helium.  And everyone has to bring me two presents because I’m combining being single and baby-less into  one bash.

I like Visa gift cards.

And party favors that look like babies being suffocated in plastic wrap.


  1. I think I prefer the masculine way of dealing with these sorts of situations anyway. If a bloke has something to celebrate, his mates take him to a strip club and get him drunk. Why can't we do it that way too?

  2. I am bringing vodka and strippers. Because I am a good friend like that.

  3. Pahahahaha, I would come to your shower. And thank goodness I don't freakin' live in UT. I always said that I'd love to live in UT... if all of the people were gone. Okay, okay, I'm awful. They aren't THAT bad. At least all of them aren't. You obviously turned out okay. Anyway, I'm going to stop digging my own grave.

    Moral of the story - I'd buy you some really cool crap for your baby-less/single shower. Not crap literally, because that comes with a baby. And it's not any fun.
    I'll send you a mushed up snickers bar.

    Now I'm really shutting up, I'm sorry for this really stupid comment.

  4. This is why, when I get married ( no babies for this one. EVER.), I will ask for guests to simply enjoy themselves. No presents. I know what a pain it is.

  5. Wedding and Baby showers are very uncommon over here...although I still manage to make friends with Americans who keep trying to bring it over! Why can't they just leave well enough alone?! I couldn't receive gifts for my wedding because we were selling off everything to move across the world and actually it was nice! We were given money and that was even nicer! I was going to go off on you about how could you possibly not like cake but then you had to post a photo of that baby head cake pop terror and I may be off of cake now too... ;)

  6. Bah! I always learned that you shouldn't have a second baby shower, ESPECIALLY if the kids are the same sex (but even if they're not). Seems a little excessive to me.

  7. Oh my God THIS. I totally want a non baby non wedding shower. The pre requisite for attendance for this shower is not being an asshole, bringing a booze contribution and enough finger foods, chips and dips to fill a stadium. This idea needs to happen asap!

  8. I may have to ship some Booze over for you! I will see if I can sponsor this for you!

  9. First, I totally agree. But...and hear me out...I can't agree with the single and not pregnant shower. You're becoming what you hate! You're creating a new reason for people to roll their eyes at an invitation. Every day for single-and-not-preggers people is a shower. Your gift is the ability to go out to a bar and get incomprehensibly drunk with no obligation to apologize to another human being or the potential to vomit on your baby.
    Baby showers are a wake, laying to rest the death of that person's individuality. There's no need to celebrate your status because you still have life, exciting, see new things, not constantly having flecks of baby waste on you LIFE!

  10. If there's going to be chili cheese fries and booze, I'm so there.

  11. Have to agree with you, though i have a husband and babies, both. What is up with the showers for the 2nd and third babies, people? You get ONE shower. ONE.

    Call me for your shower, yo. I'd really like to see YOUR cake and YOUR strippers.

  12. Chili cheese fries and booze make the world go round. And strippers.

  13. We went bowling for my baby shower. Pizza and beer. And an awesome pregnant lady with no sense of balance throwing a heavy object great distances. Now that's entertainment.

  14. I was starting to wonder when I seen the picture and title to this post... GOOD FOR YOU VIXEN!

    Let's not forget the ever so precious (hate that word by the way) 1st Birthday party. You know, where the kid still craps their pants and drools while looking around wildly at all of the strangers.

    The parents invited everyone they know so they can receive (to read score) more gifts for the little hatchling. Keep in mind, whatever you buy/bring will determine your being asked back each year after that...

  15. Kelllie- RIGHT? Never mind the fact I'm too embarrassed to go see Magic Mike much less actually be in the same room as a sweaty stripper dude. It's a matter of principle!

    Mrs. Tuna- You ARE a good friend like that. Is it cool if I keep my eyes closed though?

    Alyx- The transplants and the people who actually made it past the Utah border usually aren't too bad. Usually.
    And your really stupid comment really made me laugh. :)

    Nellie- Can I come? Also, you may want to rethink your no kids policy. You were so good with your nieces telling them Satan will come for them in their sleep...or something. If I had kids I'd ask you to be their Godmother. Really.

    PCP- I'm in the wrong country. You know what's odd, I DO like wedding cake. With that fruity crap in between the layers. But that's the only kind I like. So I'm screwed since I'm over weddings.

    Gia- I kinda thought the same thing too. You already had your bridal shower, your wedding and your baby shower. You don't get another shower for each subsequent child for ever after.

  16. Veggie Assassin- Maybe we should start a club and just travel across the country throwing non baby/wedding showers.

    Paul- Deal! And as long as you can form a coherent sentence using proper grammar and correct spelling, that doesn't make me want to break your shins with something really hard and break-y, you should totally come!

    Pickleope- I stopped reading at "But".

    Okay fine, I didn't really and I hate to admit it BUT, you're a mother hugging genius. And I resent you for it.

    Amanda- I'll save you a lap dance!

    Dawn- ONE shower people! That's IT! And I'm totally calling you. In fact, I'm calling you for the pre-shower shower! And you're sticking around for the after-shower shower. If they get one for each kid, I get one for! I do what I want!

    Wow- I know! Most people think it's love and THAT'S the problem with the world today.

    Mandy- Yes yes yes!!! You Great Lakers know what's up! Seriously awesome idea.

    Pixie- I refuse to buys gifts for people who would rather play with the wrapping.

  17. 1)Find decent man
    2)Lure man into stupor with your beauty and charm to the point he asks YOU.
    3)Accept ring and proposal
    4)Insert penis into vagina
    5)Bring to orgasm
    6)Repeat as necessary to become pregnant
    7)If this has not happened in the next 6 months, call me.
    8)Here come the presents.

  18. I'd totally take you up on #7 but I'm thinking that would just get us stuck back on #1.

  19. I didn't get married til I was 30. By then I'd been to so many bridal showers I was able to buy gravy boats at a wholesale price.

    BTW- I thought baby showers were just for 1st babies. Not so?

  20. Seeing as you dont even know the person I can see how you wouldnt want to go. And you've got me thinking of bad baby names with that "Fake Name" thing. I think I'd like to name my first born Anonymous. How awesome would that be, Anonymous Jones?

  21. BB- You were one of the few smart ones. Well done. I thought so too but apparently we're thinking wrong. Also, thanks to your comment, I'm salivating for some mashed potatoes and gravy.

    Steve- Can I call him/her Anon for short? Anonymous is just so taxing on the tongue.