Friday, August 17, 2012

Mother Hugging Showers!

Hey Gang!  Check out this super exciting e-mail I got 9 days ago! 

Please join us for a

Baby Shower
Fake Name
(Our Awesome French Translator)
Friday, August 17th
12:00 p.m. in the 2nd floor training room
This is Fake name’s 2nd baby boy!

And guess who is now going to sound like a complete and total jerk for not wanting to go?  This girl!  With two ovaries and an empty womb.
Here’s the thing.  I live in Utah.  Utah is ranked 8th for the highest number of marriages per year.  I’m now in my 30’s.  Math has never been my strong point but that adds up to a lot of mother hugging showers. 

I’m at the point now where I audibly groan when I get that little “save the date” announcement in the mail.  Because I know what’s coming.  
Buying a gift for a bridal shower that involves a room full of women squealing over the shiny ring and games that include wrapping the soon to be bride in toilet paper.  I don’t recall why.
Then I buy a gift for the actual wedding which involves standing in a line for an hour or so while I wait to greet the entire wedding party (who I don’t know and will never see again) to then sit at a table with more people I don’t know and sip punch with bits of pineapple floating in it while admiring the crepe paper that has been strung up in a tragic attempt to camouflage the basketball hoop.
This, naturally, is followed a few months later with the exciting news that I now get to buy another gift.  Only this time it’s for someone who doesn’t even have the decency to be born yet before asking for presents. 
Cue baby shower which involves even more females squealing and games that include diapers that have been micro-waved with a chocolate bar in them.  I don’t recall why.
And all of this for just one couple.  Now multiply that by oohhh let’s keep it conservative and say 4 times a year.  That adds up people!  I’ve got bills to ignore pay!  Not to mention that 3 times out of 4, these are people I haven’t spoken to in years.  I’m not even friends with them on facebook much less in real life.  In fact, how do they even get my address?? 
Now, before you go thinking I’m a baby hating marriage cynic, you should understand something.  This shower today?  Is for someone I DON’T EVEN KNOW!  I wouldn’t be able to pick her out of a pregnant lineup if my wine collection depended on it.  (Although lets be serious, there is no collection.  And I think we all know why) 
Also, I find it rather telling that in the invitation itself, they had to specify the position this woman holds in the company which clearly proves I’m not the only one who has no idea who I’m supposed to be buying a gift for.  Which I didn’t by the way.  Because it’s two days before payday and I wasn’t planning on going because oh, did I mention, I DON’T KNOW WHO THIS LADY IS.  But guess what?  I am going and I’m going to tell you why.  I’m going to this shower so that she’ll be obligated to come to MY shower.  Oh, you heard right.
I’m throwing myself my own mother hugging shower!  I’m technically single and I’m not pregnant and if anything deserves a shower THOSE two things do.  And guess what else?  It’s going to be coed.  Those bullshit days where the guys get out of these damn things are OVER!  Where are MY strippers?  Where is MY cake?  Actually screw that.  I don’t even like cake.  I’m having chili cheese fries and booze.  And helium balloons.  Because I like the way show tunes sound after sucking up a lungful of helium.  And everyone has to bring me two presents because I’m combining being single and baby-less into  one bash.

I like Visa gift cards.

And party favors that look like babies being suffocated in plastic wrap.