Thursday, July 5, 2012

Lotoja and Instragram. Completely Unrelated.

There's this bicycle road race called Lotoja.  Cleverly named because it begins in Logan, UT and ends in Jackson Hole, WY.  Get it?  Logan to Jackson?  Told you.  Clever.

This race is 206 miles long, also known as 332km, which sounds more impressive.  It's a one day race.  As in, you're expected to peddle your little ass across 3 states (you cut through Idaho in case Geography isn't your thing) in ONE muther huggin day.

Now, for those of you who think I'm considering this race, don't you know me at all by now??  A friend of mine is.  We'll call him....Specialized since that's the brand of bike he rides.  Special for short cause everyone likes a nickname.

Special has been training for this race since September of last year and still has two months to go before the race.  I'm not really sure what that means.  Training, that is.  I only know what my version of training is and I sorta doubt it's the same as Special's.

In my last post, I documented the 10k I ran.   By "ran" I mean slogged through in a drunken stupor and by "10k" I mean we opted for the 5k shortcut.  BUT!  Make no mistake.  I trained damn hard in preparation for this race and I picked up a few tidbits of super wise wisdom along the way that I'd like to impart to you.

Super wise tidbit #1.  When it's snowing, go ahead and stay indoors, have a pizza delivered to your front door and only get up when your wine glass needs refilling.  If, for some contemptible reason, you do venture out, dress appropriately.

That's not bird shit on my head.  It's a giant dollop of snow so lay off.
  If you happen to overdress for a run, this does not mean you should stash your running jacket behind some potted shrubs at the elementary school thinking you'll collect it on your way back.  It also means you should not toss your gloves in the neighbors hedges followed by your hat shoved into a chain link fence.  Know why?  Because chances are good you live in a shady neighborhood and some creepy ass creeper is following along behind you amassing a small fortune (fortune is relative, especially when you're broke) in Nike clothing.

Super wise tidbit #2.  Wounds are oozy and gross.  They don't feel good with acrid, salty, wet bodily excretions dripping into them.  In the form of sweat.  Bandage them accordingly.  Otherwise you will bleed through your tank top and other park goers will give you a wide berth making you feel like Typhoid Mary.  Plus.  It stings really really bad!  Or is it badly?  Pickleope, a little help here?

It's not what you think.  And please ignore the wretched tat.  20+ years ago I thought it a good idea.  Again, lay off!

Wise tidbit #3.  Don't drink and run.  Ever.  Just don't.  Trust me on this one.  Especially when it's dark outside and the sidewalks are uneven with a light dusting of snow and did I mention the shady neighborhood?  Oh what?  Don't believe me?  I'm not a reliable source?   Then ask Tri Girl.  She actually runs marathons and even SHE tried mixing wine with exertion.  They go together like orange juice and milk.  STILL don't believe me?  Drink the concoction and report back.  I like pictures.    

That's all I've got, sadly.  On an unrelated note, the Six-Fingered Monkey hates Instagram.  In an effort to appease his alarming animosity towards this latest trend, he's requested we post an untouched, unfiltered photo which he will do what with?  I've no idea but it was late and I was inebriated when I enthusiastically commented that I was definitely in and DOWN WITH INSTAGRAM!  I need to stop trolling the blogosphere after 10:00.  

The following is a nightmare inducing bus stop photo that I am forced to encounter every day on my return from work.  Her eyes follow me with their judgements and I want to choke her with her own cardigan.  After taking the photo, I finally googled it to find out what the HELL is the problem with cat lovers.  Cause E2 has a cat.  And I love her. 

It's all coming together now...
Please don't wish me dead.


  1. Well I would definitely say it stings but I must dispute the "drinking and running" thing as we all seem to...Wait a second, why am I the go-to open-wound aficionado?
    No, you were right to come to me. Listen up, people, Should any of you get a communicable disease, your only hope is to have as much unprotected sex as possible! This is a fact. If you get herpes, the only way to combat it is to sex up as many people riddled with chlamydia as possible which will then cancel out your disease and you will be a super immune-thing-person-type-mutant.
    You are welcome.

  2. Uh, these statements have not been evaluated by the FDA.
    Boom, covered by the law and stuff.

  3. Oh eff you! I'm snorteling (which is the ugliest kind of laughter) like an impregnated hyena/hippo half breed and it's hideous and it's all your fault! What I MEANT was some clarification with the hurts real bad vs. badly. You know, being the master of the English language that you are. Where's a paper bag when you need one?

  4. "In an effort to appease his alarming animosity towards this latest trend..."


  5. TSFM- I'm glad you approve. :)

  6. To clarify, I have never run a marathon, only HALF marathons. I'm sorry if this ruins whatever mythical greatness you had bestowed upon me. Also, I would think that one who can drink more than half a glass of wine without having to hand over the car keys could manage a bit of a run (just a bit).

    Thank you for the shout out :) Also, you should try to find a creeperless neighbourhood; creepers are so inconsiderate.

  7. I have no idea why cat lovers need to die. I'm a cat lover. If they mean "lover" like someone who has sex with cats, then yeah there's an argument. People can, and do, cycle across three states in a day? O_O I can't think of being able to do that.

  8. I am training for four marathons by eating as many cupcakes as I can. I am not sure how that will help, but something tells me I am doing the right thing.

  9. That's odd, I have those same abrasions on my knees and elbows.

  10. The middle abrasion was heart shaped, which didn't make it look even the slightest bit less painful. Was that the end result of a wine and run?

    I have to admit, your NAD picture creeps me out! I think that would make me find another route to work.

  11. TriGirl- Meh. No need to get all caught up on the details. I wonder how one goes about finding a creeperless neighborhood? I'll have to look into this.

    Mark- I have problems cycling through my e-mails every morning.

    Nellie- When it's right, it's right!

    BamaTrav- Umm...trying to find your contact?

    Blondie- I suppose it makes it a little less crappy that my back is scarred in a heart shape. That bus stop is right at the end of the street I live on so there's no avoiding it. Maybe I'll move.

  12. No one wishes you dead. But I did inform my friend Pat 'The Cat' Hatt about it.... Just tell him he is great and he'll forgive you. ;)

  13. Ooooohhhh one of our bruises looks like a heart. How ummmmm sweet.

  14. Haha wtf? What's wrong with loving cats? HOARDING cats, yes. Loving animals, no.

    God I wish I could run even a little.

    Haha Six Fingered Monkey is probably irritated by all the filtered photos of food too. I am guilty of this myself. Why do we all love taking pictures of things we cook/eat?

  15. I'm not here to judge but when you post photos of yourself with heart shaped bruises on your back, I'm left with no choice. Unfortunately, I have a wild imagination and I'm overdue for a good lay which brings my mind in a direction you might find offensive... I'm guessing those bruises are from some freaky sex and I demand, DEMAND, details... now!!

  16. Mrs. Tuna- It's a statement piece.

    Pish Posh- Cats deserve love too! Bad attitudes and all.
    I wish I could run without hating it.
    No idea but I've done it myself...on this very blog actually.

    Lil Dreamer- If I plead the 5th does that automatically incriminate me? There was a dollhouse involved. That's all I'm gonna say. O_o

  17. RCB- After perusing your friends blog, I'm not sure I can do that. He really REALLY loves his cats. And that makes me feel awkward. And a little afraid. And a little like going into the witness protection program. So if you don't hear from me for awhile...
    Well. You know.

  18. See, when I run I LIKE being avoided like Typhoid Mary. For me, all I have to do is wear my hoodie, which apparently makes me look like a rapist. Then I can part through other runners like the red sea. Score!

  19. Wow, that's quite the ad. I mean.... I guess I understand their campaign, but holy moly.
    I'm pretty sure it's "badly," but who cares? The point is that it hurts like a mother, right?
    And in one day? ONE DAY? You'd have to be smoking crack to do that. Does your special friend smoke crack?

  20. Don't drink and run! Evah! Tried it, too - totally with ya there.
    You crack me the hell up. Always. And the thing is? I can tell you aren't even trying that hard. That's just how well your writing flows.
    Sorry I haven't been around, dearie, we were on vacation and then in a tornado, basically. Oy.

  21. Don't drink and run! Evah! Tried it, too - totally with ya there.
    You crack me the hell up. Always. And the thing is? I can tell you aren't even trying that hard. That's just how well your writing flows.
    Sorry I haven't been around, dearie, we were on vacation and then in a tornado, basically. Oy.

  22. If I may add to the don't-drink-and-run bit, I would say don't drink and get on the bus.

    And those wounds were righteous. Truly righteous.


  23. I haven't ran for years! The last time I actually ran was about 15 years ago...and the cops were chasing me. I got away...but then I puked from all the beer sloshing around in my belly!

    So I agree...don't drink and run! Unless it's from the law!

  24. See, I just want someone to tell me what an instagram even is. Then maybe I would hate it.
    As for your oozing back wounds, well, younkow where my mind went with that one, right?

  25. Funny how everyone is seeing the oozing back wound and immediately jumping to the "crazy sex" story...Dawn, what were you doing on that doll house?

  26. I drank two beers before playing basketball once. I may as well had a twelve-pack. I was slow(er than normal which is really damn slow), erratic with my shot and got dehydrated in three seconds. So I just hacked everyone and laughed.

  27. I don't know what is funnier, your post, or that insane bus stop poster. The poster reminds me of an upcoming post I have about Denmarks international cat club. It's a real thing. I saw it in action. So bizarre! Anyway, love your tips. I think I will take your advice and eat pizza, and only get up to fill my wine glass this evening. I am currently training for the laziest person in Denmark contest :)

  28. ABFTS- I think I'm going to invest in a hoodie. And work on changing my running style. Although I'm not exactly sure what sort of running style says rapey dude.

    Alyx- Yeah, it got my attention for sure.
    YES! Like a really mean Mother!
    I'm not exactly privy to Special's personal habits so I couldn't confirm or deny the smoking of the crack. I wouldn't rule it out though.

    Dawn- There you are! It's nice to know I'm not alone in my poor life choices. I did read about your tornado fiasco. I'm so glad you're all okay. Holy crap!

    Pearl- Really? Cause I would think it would be just the opposite. I've read about some of the "people" you've dealt with on there and I'm thinking I'd much rather be 5000 sheets to the wind than have to face them sober.
    Righteous? I love it!

  29. Workingdan- The important thing is, when it comes down to it, you're a champion when it counts!

    Sandra- To be honest, I'm not even sure. A phone app? Since my phone is from 1989, I wouldn't know.
    I'm willing to bet your mind went somewhere that involved vaginas.

    Anon- Having a tea party. With a penis.

    Wow- I can't help but wonder if that's any different from your usual game? Either way, you make me proud!

    Lindsay- International cat club? I'm already creeped out. And I LIKE cats!

  30. I encounter the "crazy old aunts deserve to die" repeatedly and am glad for your clarification on it. I'm still not sure how I feel about that campaign however.

  31. I just noticed this morning that it's finally been replaced by a gun show ad. Thankfully. By the way, we're due for a date.