Monday, July 30, 2012

Deserters Will Be Shot! But not at dawn cause that's way too early.

Tragedy has struck.  About a year ago, Candito had a baby.  And now, in a poorly thought out, self-indulgent and totally sucky decision, today is her last day.  She's chosen to completely abandon me so that she can stay home with that little ankle-biter.

Back in the day deserters were shot at dawn.  Just think on that a moment Candice. 

And now, before you make any final, hasty decisions, let's just think this through, shall we.  Sure, Mason is cute and all but his hand/eye coordination is severely lacking.  As evidenced below.

  It's highly unlikely that he'll be able to play shipping room baseball with you with the rolled up propaganda posters and stress balls. 

I highly doubt he'll be strutting his stuff down our make-believe catwalk, Americas Next Top Model style.

His dance moves?  Right.  I hardly count bobbing up and down with the occasional clap as actual dance moves.  He's got nothing on my version of the worm.  Eh...or yours actually.  Those bruises ever heal?

And guess what?  He can't even dress himself much less compete with all of this awesomeness!

Oh.  Waitaminute.  Who's the little interloper?  Fine.  He's kinda cute but we both know damned well he had help!
Okay.  I get it.  There's really no competing with this.  I don't have the cheeks for it.  I get it okay?  It's FINE.  And you know what I really mean when I say it's fine.  That it's not fine.  You've sat next to me every day for the last 4 years.  You know it's not fine.  Not by a damned long shot!  You know me better than most people.  Despite this, you're still my friend.  You've been my therapist, my voice of reason, my dating counselor.  You've made me laugh my really ugly laugh so hard I've cried and peed at the same time.  You've loaned me your blanket and timed my nap breaks for when I'm sleeping under Cheryl's desk after another bout of insomnia.  You've handed me your box of tissues and listened patiently as I bawled about how overwhelmed I was with work.  The next week I returned the box of tissues as that same workload had finally made it to your desk.

Mason is incredibly lucky to have you as his Mother and despite my selfish ramblings, I am so happy that you get this time with him.

You're one of my best friends and one of the most genuine people I know.  You're generous, thoughtful and the office sweetheart.  For hells sake, you're probably the only one left in the office who is still nice to Toph.
I love you tremendously and will miss you terribly.  It won't be the same without you Candice.     

P.S.  I'm totally staring at the back of your head while you're reading this. 


  1. The freakin nerve! I mean, those chubby cheeks could make anyone baby hungry, and he makes a darn cute little monkey or dog, or monkeydog or whatever he is, but really, who would rather stay at home with that little guy than spend all day at work??

    Haha, in all seriousness, I hope you get over the loss of your work pal!

  2. Awwww this was really sweet :) You'll just have to call her endlessly during the day and totally disregard the kid while you do it so that it's really like she just left you, not left you to take care of him. The dressing up was great though, especially the first one. Babies are cute, but there's just too much they can't do.

  3. Awww it's the worst when a work friend leaves! I dealt with it on Friday. BOOOOO. But what a cute monkey-baby.

  4. Gosh, that's sweet. If you only felt about me that way. :( Well, we would have lasted.

  5. It sucks when friends leave work to take care of their kids...why can't they just hire nannies?? I guess you could just skype her all day :)

  6. That was actually kind of sweet, in an evil sort of way!

    I hate it when kids get in the way of hanging out with friends. The nerve of those little buggers! My kids won't mind if I go out, why can't the other kids be the same way?

  7. I bet she cried when she read this.

  8. Acccckkkk! Now you're stuck with only Toph, THAT SOB.
    'Cried and peed at the same time?' You're halfway to motherhood yourself, my Vixen!

  9. Awww, nice post to your friend. My work peeps like it when I'm not around. I guess that's cuz it's like when the parents go on vacation and leave you at home. I keep finding bottle caps in weird places.

  10. It's really hard to compete with kids or puppies...

  11. Alyx- He's some randomly ambiguous mammal. THAT'S how lame he is. But I'd probably choose to stay home and feed him bananas all day, given the choice.

    Mark- I like this plan. I will start blowing up her phone on Monday and she'll realize the error of her ways and return post-haste.

    Gia- It does suck, doesn't it? I'd tell you to come be my new work friend but then you'd have to leave boyfriend in the office all alone and who knows what kind of dirty hookers would latch onto him then?

    BamaTrav- But I DO feel that way about you. And that sentiment just lasted all of...wait..wait...17 seconds. Phew. I'm exhausted.

    TriGirl- Some people just have their priorities all kinds of screwed up. And skype could work. That way when monkey boy starts that wailing of his, I can just disconnect. Perfect.

    Workingdan- Some kids were reared properly. Others...well, you know.

  12. Tony- She did. Then our boss did. Then I did. It was a lovely little snot fest.

    Dawn- Ugh Toph. I KNOW!!! That's the real reason I was crying. And your motherhood comment my lol.

    Wow- Sadly, the first "weird place" that came to mind was your ass. Just kept picturing you trying to pick up random bottle caps with your butt then shuffle across the office to deposit them in the trash can. This is what you've done to me!

    sm- Beautiful? Really? I find them odd mostly. Are we looking at the same post?

    BB- What about if I dressed up as a puppy wearing a diaper??

  13. I hate it when people leave me and I don't want them to. I guess you know what I mean. Great post.

  14. It's really weird to know that you're staring at the back of my head while I'm reading this, but I guess I'm ok with that. I don't have any kids, or kids dressed in costumes, or anything along those lines, so it's hard for me to comment. I do have several costumes, though, and if you look me up on Facebook I'm the pirate captain, Captain Morgan to be exact. I hope this helps in some small way.

  15. RCB- I also hate when I want people to leave and they don't.

    Steve- If you're going to dress up as a Captain, I suppose Captain Morgan is more legit than say, Captain Crunch? Maybe not.

  16. The thought of you staring at the back of your friend's head while she reads this is just a beautiful sentence to me.

    I don't know why, but it just puts me right there.

  17. Creepy things always tend to do that for me.

  18. You are sooo much fun!

    This line has me laughing out loud:
    "Oh. Waitaminute. Who's the little interloper? Fine. He's kinda cute but we both know damned well he had help!"

    Your wittiness is awesome! :)

  19. Elisa- Well...He DID have help the little cheater! I hope you go at LEAST a dozen more years before someone decides to harass you again. You've been through enough dammit!