Sunday, May 27, 2012

My Memorial Day Weekend of things I didn't do

Guess what I didn't do this weekend?  I did not have a baby and I did not climb Angel's Landing.  I had plans to do the second but definitely not the first.  I've been avoiding both for quite a number of years now.  I would attempt to explain why but a picture is worth a thousand words.  A thousand words I don't have to come up with.  Instead, google images will do the talking for me.

Doesn't look too bad, right??
WRONG!  It looks VERY bad.  VERY VERY BAD.  Source

My hands have started sweating just looking at the pictures.  And like an idiot, I started reading articles about hikers plummeting a 1000 feet to their death.  I've been to Zion's National Park about a dozen times and have always passed on doing this hike.  There's a warning stating it's not a hike for people fearful of heights.  I am fearful of heights.  Very fearful.  So why in the hell would I even consider putting myself through this?  I still haven't figured that out.  A number of people who have done the hike claim it's no big deal.  Yeah.  I'll bet the ghosts of the people who tumbled off and splattered themselves silly on the rocks below would give a big EFF YOU to the "it's no big deal" comments.

Regardless, it was not to be.  An hour into our drive South, the weather crapped out and we turned around.  I can't say I'm not more than a little relieved.  Because I'm a big stoopid chicken who doesn't like heights and sweats easily.

And that brings us to the second item I did not do this weekend.  Give birth to another human being.  I will not be providing google images of this because I'm afraid of what I might actually see.  And you can't un-see things once they've been seen!  I've tried.  However, this has been on my list of fears for a very long time.  I'm not a fan of pain.  Or blood.  Or having an eight pound parasite try to claw it's way out of my bagina.  And don't even get me started on the mucus plug.

If I were ever to go through child birth I would insist on being knocked out.  Like, all the way out.  So far out I wanna wake up in Tijuana with a donkey in my bed.

Luckily, I'm pretty savvy when it comes to avoiding this whole mess.  My friend Christina and I had a brief discussion on our individual methods of avoiding pregnancy.

Christina: We use the pull out method. 

Me: You know, that's how I came to be.  And my brother.  Great method.  Can't fail with that one.

Christina: Alright then, how do you keep from getting knocked up?

Me: I know not to swallow.  It's almost guaranteed that if that baby batter makes it to your stomach, you're preggers for sure.

Christina: What school did you get your sex ed from?

Me: My parents gave me a pop-up book.



Which CLEARLY my youngest sister didn't read.  On Friday she welcomed the newest addition to her sweet family. 

Little Caden rockin the faux-hawk.


I like when babies don't cry when I hold them.

I asked Tara if I could post some pictures of her on my blog.  She won't text me back.  Weird.

33 comments:

  1. Funnily enough, I didn't give birth this weekend either.

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  2. It's not long born and it already has a faux-hawk. That kids going to need care and attention. You can always try the climb some other time. Maybe start out with something smaller.

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  3. Terrifying. And all they have is a tiny chain? I'd feel safer with a web of dental floss. Or I'd feel safest if I could just watch someone with a webcam walk up it for me.
    "I know not to swallow"? Hilarious.
    Is it possible for a baby to become corrupted through osmosis? If so, Caden is already lost.

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  4. Then definately do NOT do a H.A.L.O. jump. Not for the squeemish. Are ALL the women in your family hot???

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  5. Christina may well be your smartest friend O_o

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  6. HOLY EFF. Are you serious?? That hike looks deadly. Speaking of which, I love your "hiking leads to death" label.
    And also your "sex is bad" label.
    That baby is cute, though!!

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  7. Oh how I love you! Thanks for another great laugh and what a sweet baby. I like it when they don't cry when I hold them as well, I like it better when they don't scream and run in terror for their mom when I walk in the room. :)

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  8. Yay for new babies. As for the climb...I'm done with that. Never again.

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  9. Tony- I feel like I should send you a congratulations card.

    Mark- I'm thinking his two older siblings will see to his care just swimmingly. Smaller means less of a fall which would also mean less death, correct?

    Pickleope- Your last sentence made me laugh out loud, loudly. You're an ass. :)

    Bama- I had to google that. Kinda wish I hadn't. To answer your question, yes, as a matter of fact, they are.

    Anon- If that is truly the case, let it be recorded that today is a tragic day indeed for me.

    Alyx- It TOTALLY leads to death. Sex isn't really bad though. Not that you would know having giving that up once you got married and all. ;)
    And I agree, he is cute!

    Sunshine- And I adore you! I've seen you with children. They adore you even more than I do. Which is A LOT!

    Joshua- Yay for new babies that you can give away once they try to poo on you. Never again? You've DONE that hike??

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  10. My daughter Sheldon is getting married in the Catholic church and is having the wedding classes including......natural family planning. No doubt they will have a zillon kids or an IUD

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  11. Just looking at those photos and thinking about childbirth makes me feel like pooping my pants.

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  12. Awww!

    I didn't give birth this weekend, either.

    Sex is only bad when it's with other people. Remember that.

    Pearl

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  13. " So far out I wanna wake up in Tijuana with a donkey in my bed."
    You just made my day with this sentence. Thank you. ooxoo
    Your nephew is adorable, and you look smashing, dah-ling, as usual. But what do we expect from dawns? Nothing less. ;)

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  14. "A Vapid Vixen" has been included in the Sites To See for this week. I hope this helps to attract many new visitors here.

    http://thetribulationtimesherald-exhorter.blogspot.com/

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  15. Mrs. Tuna- Wedding CLASSES? Maybe that's where I went wrong. I never took any classes on weddings. O_o

    Andi- :) :)

    Stephanie- You and me both!

    Pearl- That made me laugh. :)

    Dawn- And your comment just made MY day. We Dawn's certainly are an awesome bunch if I do say so myself. Which I do.

    Jerry- I love that I'm listed under the "things I find disturbing".

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  16. They got RSREFF.
    They got all the EFF.
    They got ETTACUST 5.
    With NDBATT.
    And that ain't all.
    They got BALL- TOBALSE.
    JOHNNY BALL 1.
    DR. DRAGON BALL- JONN KERR 1.
    MARTY YOUNG 592.
    BOBBIE 5508.
    BILLY BOO 222.
    That's HEDPRE-5.
    All GROSS.

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  17. I wish my female friends were as funny as the ones I randomly find on the internet (drops s single tear).

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  18. Valentina- The majority of women in my life are damn funny. I'm lucky like that. :) Wanna move to Utah?

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  19. Cute little baby but that climb looks awesomely scary.

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  20. I am fearful of heights, too.. I once climbed a Mexican pyramid and then I looked down... wrong idea. And there's wasn't an elevator or anything! Don't listen to people who call it no big deal. It is when you have a fear of heights, alright. True, was has been seen can't be unseen. That's deep. ;)

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  21. I'll hike that deadly trail with you. And ... I can't really comment on the baby part, but you look great in that picture.

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  22. G- Agreed and agreed!

    RCB- Seriously? No elevator? Those damn Mayans were SO inconsiderate when it comes to peeps with acrophobia. What assholes. And yeah, I can be pretty deep. I'm known to some as quite the philosopher. And by some I mean none.

    Steve- Deal! And thanks for the compliment. Not giving birth agrees with me.

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  23. I'm sure you'll be pants-wetting excited to learn that I've decided to blogroll you. Yes, it's true. OK, to be honest I had meant to do it months ago. To be even more honest, I thought I already had. In fact, I probably did and Blogger just lost it. It does that sometimes. By the way, when you visited me, long ago, you were going to my photoblog, not my main blog. My main blog is a bit more interesting, I swear.

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  24. 1.That hike looks stupid. Oh, you're really a climb faking it as a hike? If I can't stand up on my own without holding onto something, it's not a hike.
    2. I'd like that pop-up book.
    3. I hope he was born with the mohawk!

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  25. I'm taking notes. After having five kids--something needs to be done LOL!

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  26. That's right.... very inconsiderate. I had to crawl down those steps BACKWARDS! Do you think I should sue them?

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  27. Memphis Steve- I just peed myself.

    Tricia- 1. That hike IS stupid. You made me laugh.
    2. Pretty sure I burned it for it's inaccuracy.
    3. He would be the coolest kid in the history of ever.

    Elisa- NOO!! I just read about the latest brilliance of your igneous offspring!

    RCB- Sue their asses off. It's the American way at least.

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  28. Oh, I do that all the time. Wait, did I say that out loud?

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  29. Considering your profile pic, I don't think it even needed saying.

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  30. Just looking at pictures of this climb made me sweat. Insane! And congrats on the new addition to your family. I can't think of anything better than being an aunt.

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