Saturday, April 28, 2012

Is This Seriously My Life??

  Like, REALLY?  I don't even know how many times a week I ask myself that but the answer is always a slightly downtrodden, "Yup".  Not that I dislike it.  It's just not what I expected.  The same cubicle day after day.  The same faces with the same smart ass comments coming out of those faces.  An office is a funny place.  A bunch of random people that would probably otherwise never meet and we end up spending more time together than with our own families.

So it's no surprise really, that some of these people end up feeling like family to me.  And by family I mean that wretched most annoying younger brother you never had or wanted.  Or a couple of older brothers you'd love to pummel.  I have one older brother already and he's more than enough.  Nonetheless, until they finally fire me, I'm stuck with them.

To their credit, they have, over the last four years, taught me how to hone one exceedingly valuable virtue. 

Vengeance.  And this particular ginger is chock full of it.

For instance, if you spit your gum onto my computer monitor, I will spit my water onto your crotch.

If you insist on leaving the pungent smelling nacho tray leftover from our team meeting on my filing cabinet, despite the fact that I screeched at you not to, then put it there AGAIN after I moved it, you will end up with coat pockets filled with nachos. 

If you continually make snide comments asking what the hell did I do to the ceiling tile above my desk because that's just plain disgusting and you should really do something about that, honestly!  I will wait until you're out of town on the other side of the country at our yearly conference.   I will enlist the help of my trusty Candito (super secret spy name for Candice) and I will do something about it.


 I will wear my 4 inch wedge sandals, stand on my desk and balance on the raised edge for that last extra couple of inches, and I will remove the offending ceiling tile.

Candito will then stand on a chair that has been strategically placed on your desk...


 And replace one of your pristine, white, untarnished ceiling tiles with my water/urine/corpse juice stained tile.

Upon your return to the office, you'll rue the day you were born shorter than me in a pair of 4" wedge sandals!!  RUE!

Also, if you insist on coming into my cubicle space day after day, with the sole purpose of eating your crumbly food just to watch it fall all over my desk and floor, or to belittle me while calling me names, or to just be obnoxious in general, I reserve the right to take aim at your testicles and nail you with one of my stress balls.  And then take a picture of it.

Case in point:

Toph strolls into my cubie like he owns the joint.  He doesn't.  His Dad does.  But HE doesn't.

He's peeling an orange and tosses the peel onto my desk.

I call him a bad name.

He looks at me thoughtfully, pondering for a second and says, "If you were a  comedian you'd be Kathy Griffith.  Because you have red hair and you're not funny".
 
I opened my desk drawer, selected a stress ball and hammered him right where it counts.  As he slowly sunk to the ground with tears of regret and bewilderment in his eyes, he muttered in a barely audible whisper, "You did it".




I DID IT!!!!!!!!!!



36 comments:

  1. Good job, I want to work at your work!

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  2. Hhahahhahaaa wow. I wish I could work in a place like that.

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  3. Other than the cubicle part, and the work part, it doesn't sound half bad.

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  4. Ethan- You don't know what you're saying!

    Gia- Please refer to my comment to Ethan.

    Jordan- I would enjoy it more if showing up were optional.

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  5. Very brilliant vengence there. I totally approve. Replacing ceiling tiles may be the best one though. That took work and effort to pull off. Though hitting the bosses son in the family jewels sure is a good one too.

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  6. Brilliant! And kind of really hilarious!

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  7. I used to work at a place where I could do things like that: made coworkers do cartwheels for my amusement, take pictures of family members hostage in exchange for a candy bar, sabotage computers, etc. But then I got promoted and couldn't do stuff like that. Then I got fired so I REALLY couldn't do stuff like that. Now I work in a place I LOVE, but don't have as much nefarious fun. Apparently it's a trade off. Not sure which is better.

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  8. I love the ceiling tile swap :)

    You could work in a place like mine...it's all women. All the time.

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  9. What we did was take the flex from the exhaust fan in the men's room and hook it up to the ceiling diffuser over the guys desk so it was always exhausted over him.

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  10. Kick ass Vapid Vixen. You and I would get along great together at work....... I need someone fun.... I am typing this, praying no one will catch me... and make me go to their church.....

    Help!!!

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  11. Sounds like it wasn't a nice place to work anyway. Well, now that you're unemployed...

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  12. I think I've been using my stress balls the wrong way! Love what you did with the ceiling tile ;)

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  13. Were you you wearing your kick ass shade of hot pink lipstick Darling?? xoxo

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  14. Mark- I'm glad you approve. Although not as satisfying and physical violence, it still did the trick.

    Lucy- :) :)

    Pickleope- Wow that really is a conundrum isn't it? I'm not sure I could give up our top model walk offs and watching coworkers trying to do the worm.

    TriGirl- I think I could be down with that. Unless all the ovaries were to synch up and it was one giant shark week every month.

    Tony- It alleviated a lot of my stress.

    BamaTrav- Now THAT is brilliant!

    Barfly- It's an exercise in futility. They ALWAYS catch you eventually.

    Trin- Certifiably.

    Joshua- Can you believe I've lasted as long as I have??

    Padded Cell- I can't recommend my way enough. It just feels so right.

    C OC Mom- It was late afternoon so most likely! I usually manage to get some sort of makeup on by then.

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  15. Classic classic classic. Do not mess with the redhead in 4-inch wedges. She will go stress all on your jewels. :)

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  16. Vengance is mine! Carry on then Vixen

    Who knew stress balls could also provide entertainment too?

    Nachos in the coat pocket- priceless.

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  17. Dawn- And how!

    Pixie- Oddly, I'm super hungry for nachos now.

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  18. Dawn you are without a doubt the top member of the team. You make my life all that much more exciting to know YOU are there when I call (and yes I will admit I live a boring life).
    The ceiling tile was funny as can be, but I must say that when you crush or otherwise damage a mans funny parts, that just plain cold.. However.. I still love ya!!!

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  19. Geez, they must be dense to not learn their lesson by now !

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  20. HA!!! Dude. I wish I worked where you work.

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  21. Other than the sexual abuse your office sounds fun.

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  22. Craig- I think it says something about the level of excitement in my own life when I'm blogging about changing out ceiling tiles. O_o

    Utah- I think it may have something to do with that pesky Y chromosome they're constantly lugging around.

    Alyx- That makes two of us.

    Memphis Steve- The sexual abuse is the only reason I bother showing up.

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  23. Hey Ginger-Dawn. I pimped you a little at the end of my newest post. Pimpin ain't easy.
    Oooxooo-
    Yellow (LightenUp) Dawn

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  24. Hahahaha and then some even more. Served him right. I'd think twice before messing with you...

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  25. Yellow Dawn- Damn it feels good to be a gangster! Thanks so much for the pimpin. I always knew I liked you for more than your name!

    RCB- Most with common sense would. He's missing that particular attribute.

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  26. HA! Really...that sounds awesome. Working in an office full of women, I've forgotten the "joys" of working with men.

    PS - I would watch your office life as a sitcom. Totally.

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  27. Katie- It's a love/hate relationship I have with my office. Mostly hate. ;)

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  28. It's all fun and games until someone gets called Kathy Griffin. In some circles, that's an offense so insulting it's punishable by death.

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  29. I like the cut of your jib! And yes, vengeance is probably the number one skill most office folk (or lab/academic folk like me) sharpen to a razor's edge.

    Great blog!

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  30. Hahah, I think that's what stress balls should actually be used for. Bet it felt a heck of a lot better than actually squeezing the thing! lol. Hope you've been doing great, girl! Missed ya :)

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  31. Hahaha! And I bet he doesn't even know!

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  32. ooh. It takes some balls to throw a stress ball at the balls of the son of the owner of the place you work at. I like saying balls obviously. Nice move VV. :)

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  33. ABFTS- I already have the lethal injection all ready to go.

    Dr. C- Then we're in good company round these parts.

    TGFN- Wait...what? You're supposed to squeeze them? What good does that do?

    RCB- His type never do.

    Jessica- Balls. It IS a fun word to say. I recommend trying it with a NY accent.

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  34. OMG, this is awesome & I'm so proud of you!! I need to catch up on your blog 'cause this is too good.

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