Saturday, March 3, 2012

Just Another Typical Day

All events mentioned in this post are factual.  Names have not been changed to protect the innocent because they're not innocent.  They're assholes.  Or ignorant.  Except for Candice.  But I'm not changing her name either.

8:30am:  After waking up approximately 17 minutes ago, I stumble towards the front door to meet Erik who is waiting with my coffee mug and a kiss goodbye.  He's already scraped off my car for me and waves from the porch as I head off, like he does every morning.  Because he's amazing like that and I probably don't deserve him.

9:20am:  Listen as Candice shares her triumphs and woes of being a new Mother.  She's upset about some personal issues she's dealing with.  I said they're PERSONAL so stop asking!  Clearly this kind of morning calls for the big guns.  I pull out my jumbo sized black sharpie marker and offer it to her.

"Take a hit off my sharpie?"

She just looks at me with her, Seriously Dawn? look.

"No?  I'll take one for you."  Big deep breath through the nose.  "There.  We feel better now." 

11:07am:  I manage to invoke the blue screen of death and break my computer.  For some reason I take pleasure in telling the head of our IT department this.  He asks what happened.  I tell him I broke my computer. 

IT: "Yes, but HOW did you 'break' it?"

Me:  "I dunno.  It was going and then it just broke".

IT: "Well, what were you doing on it when it stopped working?"

Yeah right.  You'll have to get up priiitty early in the morning to pull a fast one on me.  I watch Law & Order.  I know my rights.

Me: Silence....

IT:  *deep sigh*  "I'll be right down"

Everyone who has ever sat in a cubicle for more than 4 months usually put photos of themselves, loved ones, pets, their children, clowns...what have you in their space to remind them of their reason for living.  I somehow managed to go almost 2 years without a single photo.  Apparently this is weird and made people uncomfortable.  I'm not one who likes to see people uneasy *ahem* so I put up some photos of my nieces and nephews.

IT is staring at these photos while waiting for my computer to reboot.  He turns to me and asks if they're my kids.

Me:  "Nope, not mine.  My siblings children."

IT:  "Don't you have any of your own?"

Me: "No, I don't have any kids."

IT:  "Really?  You would have been a great Mom.  What happened?"

I stare at him a moment before bursting into tears.  In between my sobs I relay the story of how I'd always wanted to have children of my own but was born a hermaphrodite and therefore was never equipped with the proper plumbing to breed my own brood.

Fine.  I didn't really.  But I did stare at him a moment before making some lame crack about not even being able to keep plants alive.  Should have gone with the hermaphrodite story cause really?  Who SAYS that??

1:02pm:  Get text from Erik about his frustrations with the website he's currently building.

3:40pm:  Typing away, minding my own business, when a piece of chewed up gum goes flying over my shoulder, sticks to my monitor, then slowly starts to inch it's slobbery, saliva covered way down towards my keyboard. 

I whirl around to see Jon, one of the sales reps, with his usual smirk. 

I call him a few choice names. 

He has a moment of humanity and reaches over to get the offending gum off the monitor.

I'm sitting.  He's standing.  Crotch is nearly eye level for me. 

I don't know if he forgot who he was dealing with but it's deeds like this that I can't allow to go unpunished.

I take a big swig of water from my red solo cup.

I spew big swig of water directly onto Jon's crotchal region.

Jon is pissed.

Jon scurries back to his office to wait for region to dry.

Dawn is happy and goes back to work.

Side note about Juan.  I asked him how old he was because I was totally writing about him in my blog about how ridiculously immature and unprofessional he is.  He's 37 and he was even retarded, dumb enough, kind enough to provide pictures.  I wanted to include the one where he took his wife and two boys to the monster truck rally thing where they're all wearing bandanas and mullets (so not joking) but I didn't want to incriminate his sweet little family just because he's a douche.

I suppose I do have to give him credit for being a good sport.  And really...check out the butt on that!

4:46pm:  I somehow manage to start choking on my own spit.  I can't stop.  I'm hacking.  I'm coughing.  My eyes are watering and I'm starting to black out.  Suddenly Toph appears in my line of vision.  He comes into my cubicle with this eerie, serene smile on his face and sits down cross legged at my feet, putting his chin on his fist.  With is head tilted to the side he sits and stares while I continue to bark and gasp and cough.  Once I'm finally able, I take a sip of water and ask Toph what the hell he's doing.

Toph: "I thought you were dying.  I came to watch."

I kicked at him with my heel but he was too quick.

Me: "Why are you always SUCH an asshole?"

Toph: "Whatever!  You're the one who starts it.  You're a proactive asshole.  Which makes me a reactive asshole.  And that just won't do."

I grab my pen and paper and start writing.  "I'm writing this down to go in my HR file I have for you."

4:53pm:  Toph, while reading over my shoulder, "Pro-ac-tive.  Spelled like your face cream Scabby".


  1. Hahahahah, this just made me laugh. A lot. I can only hope that one day I can tell stories about my coworkers. Too bad you have to have douchey colleagues in order to be able to do so.

  2. Holy crap that was funny. I guess I'll go chronologically. You asked a coworker to take a hit off of a sharpie!?! You broke your computer!?! You almost made a horrifically inappropriate joke about being born a hermaphrodite (I wish you did). Spit water on the crotch of of a coworker who threw gum at you, and finally someone said "Spelled like your face cream, Scabby" to you. Yeah, that's amazing. This didn't happen over the course of a month? I think your madness naturally brings out the madness of others, and that is amazing.
    I laughed so hard I farted. That doesn't happen naturally.

  3. I wish I had days like that. Toph seems like my kind of guy.

  4. Wowza, a VERY busy day for you. Is it possible to die from choking on your own spit? I need to add that to my list of fears.

  5. I knew it: cubicles can't be good for one's health! The hermaphrodite joke cracked me up.

  6. @ Pickleope - Sure it doesn't happen naturally....

  7. Why can't you live near me? I need a friend who's willing to give me hits off her gigantic Sharpie.

    Seriously funny shit. As always. You're my hero.

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  9. I could only wish for that much excitement in my day... Okay, some days I have more than enough of that kind of excitement. I only wish I'd had the hermaphrodite joke as a reply the day I was told I must lack common sense. Why do I lack common sense well, because I don't have children and am not married. I wondered to my self how exactly that warranted a lack of common sense. I still wonder today about it, but I've let it go.

  10. OH what I wouldn't have given to hear the response if you would have gone with the hermaphrodite story! Your mind is fabulous!

  11. Ahh...Toph. Still an asshole, I see. And their are other assholes amongst you, Dawn! There are assholes amongst this Dawn, too!

  12. Although I enjoyed your story, especially the spewing on the crochtal region, I so do not miss working in a cubicle.

    The money was better though...

  13. Sounds like an another amazing day in the hood for you.

  14. You take hits off your Sharpie? I thought I was the only one to do that. It requires a steady hand too, so you don't end up with evidence of your actions on your face. That could be bad.

  15. Jon, the sales rep, has seriously missed his calling. With that 70's stash, he could make a killin' as a porno king!!!!!!

  16. Your day is so, so much more exciting than my day of terminal unemployment, which usually ends up with me asking the cat if she thinks I'm crazy (she doesn't).

    Back when I was working, though, people always thought it was weird that I didn't put up pictures either. So I brought in one picture and had it there for 3 years - my autographed picture of Al Roker. And suddenly, just because I had that, it *wasn't* weird. Explain that.

  17. *stares in disbelief at a good safe distance*

  18. I read this but never commented...I was speechless then , and still am now :)

    But, I tagged you in my post today.

  19. Alyx- At least the douchey colleagues give me something to post about.

    Pickleope- I don't believe you. If your blog is anything to go by, you make yourself laugh-fart on a daily basis.

    Mark- And just when I thought you and I might be friends...

    Gia- Aw crap! Sorry to add one more to a growing list of phobias.

    RCB- They're detrimental to the mental stability of corporate america. It's no wonder there are so many assholes there. Whatever. I have no idea what I'm talking about but I agree with your pickelope comment.

    Katie- The office would spontaneously combust from so much awesomeness in one room.

    Sunshine- I wish I could tell you stupidity in the office is just a Utah thing. We do seem to get our own special breed here though, don't we?

    PCP- And what I wouldn't give to be able to cry on demand!

    Dawn- Assholes assholes everywhere, and all the world did stink.

    BB- Not much to miss about a cubicle. The money was better than what? Unemployment? *sigh*

  20. Mrs. Tuna- Just rollin with my homies.

    One Bad Pixie- I hear the Hitler stache is making a comeback.

    JKIRF- Knowing Jon, he's probably given it a try.

    ABFTS- I'm sorry to hear your cat is helping to perpetuate your little issue with denial. And sadly, I believe your story of no one thinking your Al Roker picture weird.

    BamaTrav- Nice try but there is no "good safe distance".

    TriGirl- I don't blame you. On occasion I'll re-read something I've posted and the best I can come up with is "What the hell?". I'll stop over to check it out. :)