Saturday, March 3, 2012

Just Another Typical Day

All events mentioned in this post are factual.  Names have not been changed to protect the innocent because they're not innocent.  They're assholes.  Or ignorant.  Except for Candice.  But I'm not changing her name either.

8:30am:  After waking up approximately 17 minutes ago, I stumble towards the front door to meet Erik who is waiting with my coffee mug and a kiss goodbye.  He's already scraped off my car for me and waves from the porch as I head off, like he does every morning.  Because he's amazing like that and I probably don't deserve him.

9:20am:  Listen as Candice shares her triumphs and woes of being a new Mother.  She's upset about some personal issues she's dealing with.  I said they're PERSONAL so stop asking!  Clearly this kind of morning calls for the big guns.  I pull out my jumbo sized black sharpie marker and offer it to her.

"Take a hit off my sharpie?"

She just looks at me with her, Seriously Dawn? look.

"No?  I'll take one for you."  Big deep breath through the nose.  "There.  We feel better now." 

11:07am:  I manage to invoke the blue screen of death and break my computer.  For some reason I take pleasure in telling the head of our IT department this.  He asks what happened.  I tell him I broke my computer. 

IT: "Yes, but HOW did you 'break' it?"

Me:  "I dunno.  It was going and then it just broke".

IT: "Well, what were you doing on it when it stopped working?"

Yeah right.  You'll have to get up priiitty early in the morning to pull a fast one on me.  I watch Law & Order.  I know my rights.

Me: Silence....

IT:  *deep sigh*  "I'll be right down"

Everyone who has ever sat in a cubicle for more than 4 months usually put photos of themselves, loved ones, pets, their children, clowns...what have you in their space to remind them of their reason for living.  I somehow managed to go almost 2 years without a single photo.  Apparently this is weird and made people uncomfortable.  I'm not one who likes to see people uneasy *ahem* so I put up some photos of my nieces and nephews.

IT is staring at these photos while waiting for my computer to reboot.  He turns to me and asks if they're my kids.

Me:  "Nope, not mine.  My siblings children."

IT:  "Don't you have any of your own?"

Me: "No, I don't have any kids."

IT:  "Really?  You would have been a great Mom.  What happened?"

I stare at him a moment before bursting into tears.  In between my sobs I relay the story of how I'd always wanted to have children of my own but was born a hermaphrodite and therefore was never equipped with the proper plumbing to breed my own brood.

Fine.  I didn't really.  But I did stare at him a moment before making some lame crack about not even being able to keep plants alive.  Should have gone with the hermaphrodite story cause really?  Who SAYS that??

1:02pm:  Get text from Erik about his frustrations with the website he's currently building.

3:40pm:  Typing away, minding my own business, when a piece of chewed up gum goes flying over my shoulder, sticks to my monitor, then slowly starts to inch it's slobbery, saliva covered way down towards my keyboard. 

I whirl around to see Jon, one of the sales reps, with his usual smirk. 

I call him a few choice names. 

He has a moment of humanity and reaches over to get the offending gum off the monitor.

I'm sitting.  He's standing.  Crotch is nearly eye level for me. 

I don't know if he forgot who he was dealing with but it's deeds like this that I can't allow to go unpunished.

I take a big swig of water from my red solo cup.

I spew big swig of water directly onto Jon's crotchal region.

Jon is pissed.

Jon scurries back to his office to wait for region to dry.

Dawn is happy and goes back to work.

Side note about Juan.  I asked him how old he was because I was totally writing about him in my blog about how ridiculously immature and unprofessional he is.  He's 37 and he was even retarded, dumb enough, kind enough to provide pictures.  I wanted to include the one where he took his wife and two boys to the monster truck rally thing where they're all wearing bandanas and mullets (so not joking) but I didn't want to incriminate his sweet little family just because he's a douche.

I suppose I do have to give him credit for being a good sport.  And really...check out the butt on that!

4:46pm:  I somehow manage to start choking on my own spit.  I can't stop.  I'm hacking.  I'm coughing.  My eyes are watering and I'm starting to black out.  Suddenly Toph appears in my line of vision.  He comes into my cubicle with this eerie, serene smile on his face and sits down cross legged at my feet, putting his chin on his fist.  With is head tilted to the side he sits and stares while I continue to bark and gasp and cough.  Once I'm finally able, I take a sip of water and ask Toph what the hell he's doing.

Toph: "I thought you were dying.  I came to watch."

I kicked at him with my heel but he was too quick.

Me: "Why are you always SUCH an asshole?"

Toph: "Whatever!  You're the one who starts it.  You're a proactive asshole.  Which makes me a reactive asshole.  And that just won't do."

I grab my pen and paper and start writing.  "I'm writing this down to go in my HR file I have for you."

4:53pm:  Toph, while reading over my shoulder, "Pro-ac-tive.  Spelled like your face cream Scabby".