Saturday, February 18, 2012

I can't think of a relevant post title and I just don't wanna do this anymore right now.

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Last weekend we headed four hours South to St. George.  I was sick.  Again.  But it was okay because I was ready.  I had a brand new box of 12 hour Sudafed, two bags of cough drops (both of which I devoured) and I could see the sun!

Sure, I was a loopy space cadet the whole time and had turned into one of those creepy mouth breathers, but I was in a tank top!  In February!  I even had to put sun block on.

This is not me.

Who cares that had my life depended on me actually completing a boulder problem I would be a rotting corpse in the desert this very moment.  Or the fact that while hiking back out we came across a pair of climbing shoes exactly like mine that someone had thoughtlessly discarded and forgotten in the sand.  And how odd, they're my size too.  As I was thinking we should probably prop them up on a boulder by the path so the owner could find them Erik says, "Really Ginger?  You left your shoes here?"

Oh.  So I did.  I don't do well on cold medicine.

Then there was that little incident with the fire.  It's always my job to chop the wood and get the fire started while E2 makes dinner.  By the time he's done with dinner, he'll chop up the remaining pieces I couldn't.  After hacking away for 10 minutes, I had yet to even get a piece of kindling but I did manage to keep all appendages intact.

He took care of the wood (heh heh. that doesn't make sense) and I searched for something to burn.  I grabbed the first thing I found.  Our roll of toilet paper which was perfectly flammable and worked like a charm.  It was a super good fire and I was thoroughly impressed with myself.  Erik, upon seeing what I'd done remarked, "You seriously just burned up our only roll of toilet paper?".

Oh.  So I did.  I really don't do well on cold medicine.

After dinner and a couple of drinks, it was time to clean up and go to sleep...finally!  Erik is talking about...honestly I don't even know what he was talking about.  I just remember hearing this odd whistling sound.  I interrupted him to ask if he could hear it.  What the hell IS that?
I hold my breath to try to hear better.      
I exhale.  THERE IT IS!
Me: "Did you hear it?"
E2: "Really Ginger?"
Me: "What?"

I really don't do well on cold medicine and Erik is an ass.

In other news, the hilariously entertaining Mrs. Tuna passed along the Charlie Sheen Seal of Win.
And while she admittedly drinks her white wine over ice, I realize that no one is perfect and that minor flaw is well worth looking past because she more than makes up for it with her wit, sarcasm and deliciously tempting recipes that I will never in my life attempt but they really do sound fabulous.

While I'm sure this one probably has rules as well, I'm going to go ahead and make up my own again for the sake of time because it's Saturday afternoon and the sun is out on a day when I'm not stuck in my cubicle and how am I spending this time?  Cross-legged on the couch in front of my laptop.  This just feels wrong and I kinda feel like I need to go to confession which would probably count even more since I'm not even Catholic.  What?  I'm losing my train of thought.

Random facts about me:

1.  On the day I got married I had black Frankenstein stitches on my right forearm which CLEARLY made me a total bad ass but my Mom insisted I cover them with a bandage for the wedding pictures.  I'm now convinced this one poor decision was the absolute downfall of my marriage. 

2.  I once punched a guy at a party so hard I'm pretty sure I gave him internal bleeding.  He posted a picture on my fb wall the next day.  His girlfriend didn't/still doesn't like me.  Go figure.

3.  In fact, I'm going to use said picture for random fact #3 and if you think that's cheating, you can go screw yourself because dammit, I like pictures!

Passing this along to 3 other blogs I love:

1. Sandra at Absolutely Narcissism.  She writes about her training for her upcoming bikini competition, and vaginas, and pooing, and penises...I'm a little in love with this woman and you should be too.

2. Katie at Chicken Noodle Gravy.  She's painfully honest about life and how different things in her life affect her which causes one to consider they're own life and feelings.  Normally my motto is "feelings are for suckers!" but we all know that's not true and Katie helps me remember to try to act like an adult every so often and try that inner reflection thing.

3. DWei at I am such a Derp.  He's a struggling university student, he's stressed, we don't want him developing an ulcer so early in his young life so hopefully a totally relevant and massively important blog award will be just the pick-me-up he needs.

I guess this is the end of my post.  I suppose this means I need to get off my ass and go outside now.

Monday, February 13, 2012

That Awkward Moment When Your Coworker Discovers Your Vibrator

Yep. Another sexy time vlog. But this time I'm not apologizing. Now don't get me wrong, it's still terrible, but this time the sound is synched up and it's short. And Candice brought her girls. You can thank me later...or her, I suppose.

This time the people at Eden Fantasys, with their plethora of vibrators and sex toys (See how I just got all three required links in that one sentence? Did ya see that? BOOM!) decided to really step it up a notch with the class factor. In the most recent package to be delivered to my desk was this little gem:

My initial reaction..."What the hell am I supposed to do with a bendy rose?"

Toph however, approved. He stated, "This is classy. Not the usual jackhammer. This is the kind you'd give your Grand-mum. Or someone you plan on seeing for at least six months."

And I suppose for once, he's right. These are the kind of flowers you wanna give on Valentine's Day. The gift that keeps on giving.

.......or not.

Saturday, February 4, 2012

California Christmas...and balls!

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I really suck at keeping this blog of mine up to date.  I thought it would be easier than actually hand writing everything in a journal, and since I type faster than I can write, I suppose it is.  Well that was certainly a lame way to start this post. And WOW that ad looks way bigger than I thought it would. Huh.

Anyhoo.  Christmas.  For the entire months of November and December, there was a plague-like sickness that had run rampant through the office, taking coworkers out of commission for a week at a time.  I managed to escape it, or so I thought.  It finally caught up to me the Friday we were to leave for California for Christmas vacation.  Awesome.  We were to leave after I got off work.  E2 called to see how I was doing and upon hearing my pathetic croaking voice stated, "We're not going, are we?".  He gets all twitchy and weird if he doesn't make it out of town at least once a month.  It's a disturbing sight that I wasn't willing to deal with for Christmas.  We were most certainly going.

We passed the Salt Flats on the way out of town as the sun was setting.  The lighting was gorgeous so naturally, he had to stop to get a picture.

We made it to Bishop, Ca in the middle of the night, set up camp and went to bed only to awake in the morning to shouts of "SLC represent!!".  What in the...  We'd set up camp next to a huge rock formation.  On the other side of it were four climbers from Salt Lake that Erik knew.  We spent the day bouldering with them...or rather Erik did.  I tried a few problems and was impressed with myself for reaching a whole new high (or low?) of sucking.  I felt weak and sick and lame.  I was bummed but it was still nice to be able to sit out in the sun in a t-shirt and not have to be bundled up like an overly chaste abominable snowman.  

Next day we went to Owens Valley which has the very creatively named river, Owens River.

E2 pulls over and asks "Wanna see something cool?".  Without thinking of the consequences, I respond in the affirmative.  He says "Come on!" and proceeds to trot straight up this steep trail in the hillside opposite the river.

Effing hell.  I should have known.  I start trudging along after him and am exhausted about half way up.  I turn around and look down at the river.  Welp, yeah I guess that's pretty cool.  I guess.  I still feel like crap and not gonna lie, was being kinda pissy.  I yell up to him. " I don't need to climb all the way up there to see the view.  I can see it fine from here." 

"Dawn, let's go.  You're already halfway up."

After more grumbling and muttering to myself I make it to the top where he proceeds to keep going.  I sigh and stumble along after him.  He scrabbles over a group of boulders and disappears.  He comes back down and declares we're in the right spot, and helps me up the rocks.  Basically he shoved my butt until I was pushed to the top.  I stumble out onto this huge slab of rock and gasp in delight and awe while tip toeing to the edge.  I was standing on ancient Paiute petroglyphs at least 700 years old.

It was amazing and I'm not going to tell you where to find it because then there would be more tardlings like me who end up accidentally tromping all over it and ruining it.

We also hit the Inyo National Forest to see the ancient Bristlecone Pines.  Which involved more hiking.  As always, it was worth it.

Somewhere in this forest is a Great Bristlecone Pine named Methuselah.  It's over 4,750 years old.  It's not marked to protect it from assholey vandals.  These trees were amazingly twisty and beautiful.

He also took me to see Mono Lake.  I'd never seen anything like it before or even known what a "tufa" was.  I'm not going to explain it here because honestly, I just can't be bothered.  But they're cool.

Even after seeing and learning about all of this beauty, my favorite part of the trip was soaking in the hot springs.  Mammoth hot springs maybe?  I don't know where we were at that point and E2's not here to verify.

He asked if I was up for it.  I told him I hadn't thought to pack a swim suit so I guessed not.

He just looked at me.  Blinked once.  Said, "Neither did I".


With our headlamps on, we tromped through a thin layer of snow to the hot spring.  I don't think I've ever gotten undressed so fast in my life.  It was fuh-reeeezing!!!  I climbed in and had never felt anything so deliciously blissful.  I didn't even mind that the bottom felt like I was slipping around on a layer of snot.  THAT'S how good it felt.

We had our gatorade bottle filled with wine, the milky way was perfectly situated across the sky directly above us, it was Christmas Eve and I couldn't think of anywhere else I'd have rather been.  The whole scenario was oozing with sexy time possibilities.

After a few minutes of soaking, Erik got too warm and sat up on a stone ledge to cool down.
That's when the tranquility and peace was shattered by the strangest noise.  I don't even know how to type it out.  It was kind of like a bbbbrrrruuiiiippp!

I look up at Erik.

"Did you?  Was that...?  Did you just fart??"

He at least had the decency to look sheepish while laughing, "Yeah.  It tickled my balls.  I kind of didn't want it to stop."

I couldn't not love this man if I tried.