Saturday, January 7, 2012

Five Totally Reasonable Poo Related Requests

Where to even begin with this post?  I had an amazing Christmas in Bishop, Ca with E2.  Celebrated again with the fam when we returned, then enjoyed New Year's with some old friends and made a few new ones.  It was all super duper great but do I feel like posting about any of it?  Nope.  Another day.  Right now, it's snowing outside and I'm warm and snuggy in the horrific pajamas my parents gave me for Christmas.  Bright pink with a print of little green frogs in their bath towels with their rubber ducky's.  They're super sexy and E2 can't keep his hands off me when I wear them...or something.

I don't feel like sharing about any of that right now because I'm feeling a smidge demented, irritable and twisty.  I recently went climbing and was excited because I was doing so well.  Better than I had in quite awhile.  In my mildly over-zealous (and maybe slightly intoxicated) state,  I didn't realize it was probably time to quit.  So I didn't.  Until I peeled my fingers off. 

This was after a couple of days with band-aids and neosporin.  Still gross.
They're much better now but while I was still in recovery, I was working on the laptop while E2 was out.  Deep in concentration, (facebook requires an intense focus to really understand the deeper meaning of certain status updates like "enjoying the great weather!") I was startled by an agonizing hacking noise coming from E2's cat.  I look up just in time to see her sharing her lunch with the hardwood floor.

You bet your ass I took a picture of it!

After recovering from my initial horror, I had a number of thoughts run through my head. 

1. There is no fucking way I'm cleaning this up.  I have open wounds on my hand.  Nasty cat bacteria will get in them and I'll end up with elephantiasis of the hands.

2. If I take my laptop to the back room I can pretend I've been back there the whole time and had no idea Kitten just regurgitated her organs on the living room floor and then E2 will have to clean it up since it IS his cat.

3. Maybe I can stare Kitten down and hypnotize her into eating it.  Dogs do it all the time.  She won't be hungry and I won't have to clean.  A win/win!

In the end, I acted like a grown up.  I put my band-aids on, put on some gloves and only gagged once while scooping and scrubbing.

Which brings us to an even bigger abhorrence.  The 5th floor women's rest room at my office.  I've managed to live for 35 years with the misconception that women's bathrooms are cleaner than the men's.  This illusion has recently been shattered and I fear my innocence has been irrevocably lost.

There is an unwritten rule in the office that if your ass feels the urge to purge, you go to the fourth floor.  There are only 6 women who work on that floor so the chances are good the repercussions of your anal explosions will have had time to dissipate before the next person ventures in.

There are, however, some people, or person, who is either unaware of this rule or purposely disregarding it.  I had the misfortune to stumble unwittingly into the 5th floor bathroom only to realize it had been horribly, frighteningly, and passionately compromised.

Exhibit A as in assholes shouldn't do this. 

Exhibit B. as in brown smudges don't belong in women's bathrooms.

Exhibit C. Call the authorities.
Exhibit D. Don't.  Just.  Don't.

I also feel it imperative that I mention these were not all taken on the same day.  This is a repeat offender we're dealing with and it needs to stop.  And the quality of the photo's really doesn't do justice to the revulsion and horror suffered.  I got as close as I dared and was already at risk of having the crabs that were inevitably hanging out on the seats jump up and latch onto my eyebrows.  But I felt my personal peril was worth it in order to have this documented.

And so.  I would like to institute a set of regulations that I insist the women of the 5th floor not only abide by, but embrace with the very fiber of their beings. 

Rule #1.  Go to the 4th floor for all poo related needs.

Rule #2.  Even if you use the restroom simply to fix your hair, wash your mother hugging hands.  With SOAP AND HOT WATER.

Rule #3.  If, for some unfathomable reason, you ignore rule #1 and insist on sharing your anal blight with the rest of us, do NOT, for the love, spray that horrific vanilla frosting scented air freshener.  There are few things in my daily life as offensive as walking into the restroom only to get a face full of air that reeks of shit flavored cup cakes. 

Rule #4.  Again, if you decide to ignore rule #1, please don't use the toilet seat as your personal toilet paper and butt scraper.  Plan ahead.  Take a shoe horn in there if necessary and scrape away to your hearts content.  Just don't leave it on the seat for the next person.

Rule #5.  Whether in the 4th floor or the 5th, if you decide to completely annihilate and ruin the stall while using your colon to spray paint the bowl and tiles, then please.  Please, I beg of you.  Clean it up.  This is the sort of thing that leaves me dazed and cowering in the safety of my cubicle for the rest of the day.  A simple, totally reasonable request.  Just clean it up. 

Welp.  Still feeling a smidge demented but perhaps a little less twisty.  Perhaps I'll leave the house today after all.

37 comments:

  1. "shit flavored cup cakes."

    Thanks God I'm the only one in my office right now, because I literally just laughed out loud.

    But in all seriousness, I feel your pain. There's only 4 bathrooms in my entire building-I've seen (and smelled) some unspeakable things *shudder*

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  2. If you find out whoever shat all over the toilet, you should have E2's cat vomit in their desk.

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  3. First of all, you don't look even close to being 35. Secondly, I fucking hate the vanilla scented air "freshener" but at my job we have a rose scented one which just might be worse. It's like suffocating on your grandmas perfume mixed with leftover shit smells. It's gross.

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  4. I just threw up my lunch.....maybe you should carry conspicuously a canister of lysol wipes to the toilet....just saying.

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  5. PS. We need to lead a movement to the women of the world teaching them about the "mercy" flush.

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  6. What I hate about the gents toilets is the dried snot smeared on the walls, usually this is found in the toilets at work. Lovely.

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  7. Hahahahaha #3 is by far my favorite. And I agree with Padded Cell Princess's comment. Wonderful revenge for the person who can't control the disgustingness that shoots out of their nether-regions.

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  8. Hooray! I love poop blogs, especially with photos. Great job baby!

    Men should not own cats.

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  9. Holy crap, this is funny shit.

    For real, Vapid, you would rock and make "the list on my blog" check it out. I don't know what took so long for me to find yours.

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  10. Now I forgot how I got here. What a shitty way to start the year. Since I've seen Bridemaids I now know women don't necessarily have cleaner stalls than men but you'll never be able to beat the floor area under the urinals. Now that's a science experiment.

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  11. I should have paid more attention to the title because I just ate and well, those photos were nasty. But at least they are absent of the smell and texture you had to endure, so there's that :)

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  12. "Abhorrence" is my favorite word ever.

    And women are disgusting. I had three female roommates and I cannot count the times I found pubes in the shower.

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  13. After reading about your poo plight I threw up on the floor. Do I wander away or wait for the dogs to fall on it like a "special" yummy treat.

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  14. Hey Sugar!!! I can't handle how freaking funny you are. The cat puke had me all clammy in the palms! Thanks for stopping by my "Hugh post." Your comment about labeling who Jesus is made me laugh out loud. I was like, "Yes! She gets that it's funny!" HA HA!!! Take care of your hands, and next time I stop by I'd like to read a post that won't involve me gagging! HA HA HA!!!

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  15. Haha wowza. My eyes feel violated from all those pictures. Seriously.

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  16. You have no shame...and I love it! hahaha

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  17. Dearie, you had me at "shit flavored cupcakes".
    Hi-flippin-larious, shitty ( haha) post. You a twisted. I love it.
    (and PS: thx for putting me on your blogroll! Not worthy! but happy! :) )

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  18. Oh muh LAWD! people are sick.....know how to take a shit properly! I think i'll post on how to take a shit properly thank you lady!:)
    on another note....i would have left the puke there til he came home (maybe) and acted like you said you would have:) but i don't know how long i could have waited either. ugh.....i wanna see those pj's----:)

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  19. I shouldn't have read this when I'm all gaggy already, but you always make me laugh, so I did against my better judgment...urk.

    We have 2 cats, and I've always found cat vomit one of the most revolting things EVER, particularly the fact that they view the other's puke as a "special treat," as mentioned by Mrs Tuna.

    As far as the women's bathroom, poo is nothing. What I have problem with is leaving the toilet and stall in such a condition that it appears someone was murdered rather than just getting their period. Clean your blood up, you nasty freaks!! Ugh.

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  20. You didn't HAVE to take pictures of every abomination. Although if I had to suffer through that to get to "anal blight" it was worth it.

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  21. The fourth floor. Oh that. Is. Epic.
    You had me laughing so hard throughout this post!

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  22. "shit flavored cup cakes."

    Pure poetry there...

    What the hell is is with people who can't take a clean crap and leave shit all over for others to clean up? Do you do that at home too? Either way, do or don't- you don't do it in public!

    Another thing that squicks me out- women leaving their monthly mess behind for others to see and deal with.

    Hahaha- word verification WHORYA! How appropriate.

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  23. Amanda- It's even worse when you've convinced yourself you can taste it as well.

    Princess- I read your comment to E2 and he burst out laughing.

    Jordan- I love you forever and somehow Grandma's rose scented poo seems more vile.

    Georgie- You are absolutely right, on both counts. The mercy flush, it's not a difficult concept.

    Tony- You've just ruined my night. Gah!!!

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  24. Alyx- I wonder if anyone would notice if I walked in with a cat along with my morning coffee?

    Wow- So glad you approve. :) And yeah, not gonna lie, it was a little odd at first.

    Barfly- Seriously, where have you been? I have like, 14 followers now. I'm big time yo!

    Bill- I often wonder how I got here myself. Heh, shitty indeed. Bridesmaids, one of my all time favorite movies.

    TriGirl- Yes, there IS that and also, I'm sorry? Sort of? :)

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  25. Sassy Pants- And it can usually be used daily. Gawd don't even get me started on pubes! There's a reason there are so many razors and waxing options available nowadays people. Use them!

    Mrs. Tuna- For some reason it's more revolting when others talk about it. This really made me laugh hard.

    Aleisha- I'll try but no promises. :)

    Gia- Sorry about that but some things just can't be undone.

    TGFN- I'm a little ashamed that I have no shame.

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  26. Dawn- A woman after my own heart. And don't be absurd! You're a riot and anything that makes me laugh goes on the blogroll.

    Vic- Please do so I can share the link! This blog will never see those PJ's. NEVER!

    Ixy- Oh. OH my god! You just made ME gag. That is so beyond vile.

    Pickleope- Oh trust me when I tell you I didn't take pictures of ALL of them.

    Elisabeth- I feel like I should send the 4th floor girls a sympathy card...or something.

    Pixie- "Squicks"?? Love the word, hate dirty women. And how very serendipitous with the word verification.

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  27. Should not have read this before lunch.

    Or viewed those pictures. :X

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  28. My EYES!!!!

    We have an air freshener at home that's totally gotten on my nerves. It says "Morning Linene" or something like that, but mixed with, hmm, EMISSIONS -- well, we now refer to it as "Morning Diaper".

    You're welcome.

    :-)

    Pearl

    p.s. Yes. The splits. As in "I can do them". :-)

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  29. My EYES!!!!

    We have an air freshener at home that's totally gotten on my nerves. It says "Morning Linene" or something like that, but mixed with, hmm, EMISSIONS -- well, we now refer to it as "Morning Diaper".

    You're welcome.

    :-)

    Pearl

    p.s. Yes. The splits. As in "I can do them". :-)

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  30. DWei- Better before than after, yes??

    Pearl- Gah on the morning diaper bit and you have no idea how impressed I am with the splits bit. Seriously. Well done!

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  31. I loved this post for a variety of reasons. First of which is that my cat just vomited about an hour ago. Secondly I to am astounded when I see the destruction someone has wreaked upon an innocent piece of white porcelain. I wonder what the hell can be wrong with someone that they can possible miss so badly. Thirdly I wonder about the emotional stability of someone who has that many toilet pictures on their cell phones. I hope when you get a new phone they switch all those over so you don't lose them. And btw, the pj's sound hot. Where can I get some?

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  32. Oh, yes!

    Don't laugh at me;;; but this is WHY I carry plastic gloves in a baggie in my purse.

    Because, you just never know and I have heard of staph infections that begin with just a wee skin opening on the hand.

    SO, yeah, NOT going to be part of my life story.

    You write just what I think.

    xo

    Thanks for visiting so I could visit back.

    It gets so busy, with everything, that unless I see someone, I just run out of time.

    It is good to see you.

    xo

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  33. As you know I've had a little blogging hiatus. As well as being back to writing I've just started reading blogs tonight. I just picked my favourites to ease myself into it gently - you really should have put up warnings at the start of yourpost regarding content and photos!! My eyes!! My eyes!!

    Rapunzel x
    *Tales from the Tower*

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  34. Wow where else can I go to find cat puke and toilet sludge all in one neat little package??

    BTW - I'm not entirely convinced that was poo.

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  35. Phil- The PJ's have already run their course so I'd be happy to send them to you. I'm sure you'll look even lovelier in them than I do. No comment on the mental stability thing. And your cat is gross.

    Empress- I can only imagine what else you carry with you. Like Mary Poppins only with Costco sized hand sanitizer in there.
    Right there with you. I get so behind trying to keep up on reading my favorites I forget about them until I see them pop up again.

    Rapunzel- Glad to see you're back. I was thinking about doing these kinds of posts in 3D next time. Whaddya think?

    Lil Dreamer- I immediately started to wonder, "well, what else could it possibly be?" and that took me down a whole nightmarish path that I really don't wanna be on. You suck. ;)

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  36. It cracks me up that you took pictures of that but I have to tell you, I wonder the same thing every time I'm in a women's restroom. Who are these people? Just gross. I kind of hope you have a stake out and catch the lady - what a great post that would be :)

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  37. Big D- How did I miss this comment? This had me cracking up. What a total stalking creeper I would be!!! Sounds like that's right up my alley. :)

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