Sunday, September 25, 2011

Vlogging with a dildo. Can we DO that on Blogger?

I was recently contacted by Eden Fantasys asking if I'd like to post a review on one of their sex toys.  Huh?  It took me a minute to work through it.  They would send me something in the mail, for free, and all I had to do was write about it?  I LOVE getting packages in the mail.  It always feels like a mini Christmas.  Except for that one time my ex-husband sent a package to my parents house that I was pretty sure was chock full of Anthrax.  But under normal circumstances, love them!

Since I basically live at work, I gave that address to have it mailed to.  When Katie popped her head up over the side of my cubicle to inform me I had a package, I had a mild stroke.  Oh holy crap!  What was I thinking, having a sex toy delivered to me at WORK?  Katie's going to go back to her department and mention it to someone and someone else will overhear and then the whole COMPANY will know I just had a package delivered to me from Dirty Nasty Sexy Time Toys for Perverted Creeps dot com. 

I decided to use the rest of the afternoon to update my resume.  That is, until I actually checked out the return label and realized it was from Upstanding Citizens Are Us So Move Along Folks There's Nothing To See Here dot com.   Okay, I don't actually remember what the return label said, I just remember being relieved that it didn't have anything that even remotely sounded like it involved anal plundering.

I decided to sneak a quick peek at what had been sent.  I pulled it out, gasped, and immediately shoved it back in the box and threw it under my desk.  For some reason I was expecting a small, magic bullet type thing.  Not the giant orange dildo, aka, lucid dream, I would now have to smuggle out of the office.

Using my impressive powers of begging persuasion, I somehow convinced my friend Candice to help me with a video demonstration.  The ensuing conversation she had over the phone with her husband:

Candito:  Guess what I'm going to do with VV?
Husband:  Something sexual?
Canditao:  Actually, yes, kind of.
Husband:  No way!  Can I watch?
Candito:  Probably not.  You'll still be at work.
Husband:  You should make a video of it.
Candito:  Oh, we are.
Husband:  No way!
Candito:  Way.

Oh yes Husband.  Be excited.  This four minute video will rock your world.  Or give you a headache.  If you actually make it through the whole thing, please don't be alarmed.  Do not call animal rescue.  Her two little dogs were not, in fact eating each other.  That's what dogs do when they're "playing".  Also, no need to call child protection services.  The screaming baby you hear being neglected while the two women play with their dildo was just fine.  He's teething.  The thought crossed my mind to stick the lucid dream in the freezer and give it to baby for his poor little mouth.  But I was pretty sure Mom would draw the line at shoving a g-spot vibrator in baby's face.

One more thing to be aware of if you choose to continue.  This video sucks.  That's not me being modest or self-deprecating.  It really does suck.  We only had time to do it once, there's zero editing, it's wretched, and the sound isn't synched properly with the video.  I asked E2 why this was happening and he said the audio codec isn't supported by youtube or blogger.  This means nothing to me.  He offered to take a look to try to fix it but I don't want him witnessing the complete train wreck that is this vlog.

And so, with that disclaimer, enjoy.

I am so sorry.  Truly.