Tuesday, August 16, 2011
I feel like I'm one of those people who has pretty decent self esteem. I know my shortcomings, my quirks and my flaws. I've accepted them and accepted who I am. I still like myself despite them. I have a pretty thick skin and under normal circumstances, it takes quite a bit to pierce it. Unfortunately, I do allow it to happen every so often.
The most recent occasion happened at work. I was telling my coworker Jack how E2 had just won his last mountain biking race and how National Geographic had just purchased another one of his photo's and something else ridiculously cool he had just done that I can't remember right now because I suck like that and I'm home sick from work and don't feel like thinking about it and don't give a damn that this may be the longest run-on sentence in the history of lame blogs.
After sharing all of the coolness that is E2 with Jack, he just looks at me and says "You know he's too good for you, right?".
My immediate response was "Well of course I do, but HE doesn't know it".
Little did my coworker know, his blithe comment, while initially appearing to bounce harmlessly off my armor of self esteem, in actuality turned out to be a sticky parasite of self doubt and uncertainty that has wormed it's way past my protection and filled my brain with unattractive insecurities.
Why IS E2 dating me? My rock climbing skills are sub par, it's a given I will tip over every time we go mountain biking, I can't cook, I get lost in underground parking structures, and my womb is a barren wasteland filled with nothing but disappointment and tumbleweeds.
And so, like most girls when feeling insecure and at their most pathetic, I asked him why exactly he was dating me. I don't remember what he told me but I do remember feeling better and going about my business while silently cursing Jack for making me be the girl who needs to ask for positive affirmations. Just gross.
But then. THEN. I received the following in an e-mail from E2 a couple of days later:
"I don't know if you remember asking me your serious question or not. But on Sat when we were laying in bed you wanted to know why I liked you. At the moment I tried to tell you a number of things about you that I find exciting, a bit mysterious, enviable and I might have mentioned a few of your traits that make me smile and laugh.
But I've had a bit more time to think about your question and what it is that attracts me to you. What causes me to think about you every 10 minutes of every waking hour. Firstly the thing I think I adore most about you is how easy you are to talk to. You don't judge, you give me shit when I deserve it, you honestly listen and you care about what I'm saying, feeling, and trying to express.
For the tough woman facade you enjoy putting on and the comments you've made about hurting folks in your 20's I think at your core you have a very kind heart. I know you'll scoff at that, probably roll your eyes and make a face but I've no reason to think otherwise! I've seen your kindness in the way you've treated me, the people behind the counter when we've had coffee, the servers at your bar, your friends at poker, Midas and your expressed concern at others well-being when we've just been shooting the shit about family, neighbors or friends. Those are the traits of someone who cares. I like you because you care, probably more than you let on.
You're smart and although you worry way too much about what comes out of your mouth, I really wish we could spend more time together, so I could listen to the things that matter to you most and how you feel about them. I love your sarcastic sense of humor. Your slight dark side compliments mine in a way that makes me both comfortable and happy to tell you whatever nonsense comes across my addled mind (which takes me back to how you don't judge, thank you!)
I like that you've given me a chance to be close to you, how fearless you were in coming camping and tromping around Zion with me. I love the feel of your hugs whether you're in high heels, bare foot or standing on the curb. When I think of the opportunities we've had to lay in bed spooning I'm really truly left a bit breathless with how well your body fits and feels against mine. The smell of your hair fills me with calm and the sight of your bare shoulders, back and hips always cause me to feel that at that moment, that is the best hour I will ever have!
Those were the things I was thinking about when you asked me that question and maybe it was the hour, or the wine but I don't think I expressed those feelings in the way you deserve. Those are the qualities about you that I adore."
If I were the swooning type of gal, I would have swooned all over my desk, out of my chair and all over the damn office that day. But I'm not. So I didn't. Rather, I read it twice more and smiled to myself the rest of the day while secretly thanking Jack for making me feel insecure enough to ask a boy why he liked me.
So yeah, he may be too good for me but I'm going to do my damned-est to make sure he never finds that out!