Sunday, July 10, 2011

A Wedding And Some Wine

Another couple has crossed over to that dark underworld of marriage.  And it was by far the most fun weekend celebration of doom I've ever experienced.  Key elements that will ensure the wedding to be a smashing success are as follows in order of importance:
  1. Liquor.  Free and in abundance.  Even the most bitchy and catty of table companions will mellow out and realize I'm only talking to your husband now because you have pointedly ignored me and my attempts at conversation for the last 30 minutes of dinner.  Is it MY fault you decided to pull your hair back so tight it's narrowed your eyes and made you look like you're permanently squinting?  Is it MY fault your husband keeps checking out our server's cleavage when your own is so prominently on display?  Is it MY fault you have yet to lose the baby weight from your last child...who is now FOUR?  You're in Laguna Beach for hell's sake!  Have another drink and enjoy it!  Which brings me to number two.
  2. Location.  Which would you prefer?  Someplace warm and sunny with an ocean you can go kayaking in and have curious little seals swimming around you wanting to play and watch the pelicans gliding overhead that sure, pooped midair and splattered you on the forehead but whatev's it wiped off easily enough and did I mention there's an ocean?  OR.  A wedding in someplace like South Dakota where you can...I don't even know what.  My coworker has a theory that SD doesn't even exist because really, have you ever actually MET anyone who lives there, is from there, or has been there?  I think he may be onto something.
  3. An awesomely cool couple who really do love each other and are excited to voluntarily spend the rest of their lives together.  I know you would think this should be a given at a wedding but you would be wrong.  

I've already grown bored making this list so I'll stop at three.  Best not to overdo it.  Just going to put up a few pics from the weekend wedding bonanza and call it good. 

Lawn bowling + a never-ending margarita fountain = flawless form.

The older dude in the picture behind me worked at the club and was giving our team pointers.  I was three margaritas into the game at this point, and I think it was this roll that my bowl, ball, whatever they're called wobbled off into the game beside ours.  He slapped his forehead with the exclamation "Jesus Christ!  At THIS stage of the game?"  We did not win.

The gorgeous bride in her sparkly white wedding dress waiting for our shuttle.

The bride and groom after the ceremony.

 Which, I have to say, was one of the odder ceremonies I've witnessed.  The woman who performed the ceremony was a new-age, chakra-aligning, crystal wearing cliche who was just plain awesome.  She held a rather loud bell and one of those metal things used to bang a gong.  After each sentence she would punctuate it with "Aho" and ding the bell.  "May Mother Jaguar wrap us in her coils of love and smile down upon us.  Aho!"  I just remember standing there during the ceremony thinking "What the what?  Coils of who and aho what?  Aho ld on one minute cause I'm totally lost".  And I thought E2 was a hippie.

Let's pause for a moment while I talk about this dress.
 Soo I'm a total sucker and bought this dress online from Victoria's Secret.  The model in the picture was wearing the green version.  The model looked fantastic in the green dress.  If I buy the green dress I will look like a beautiful model.  Logically I know this is not how it works.  I know this is how the marketing genius's want it to work.  Illogically, I hoped it would work as my fingers were typing in my credit card information.  The dress is basically just a skirt with two really long flaps of fabric that you twist any which way to create the look you want on top.  The problem with this dress is that no matter how you work it, there is no bra in the world that's going to work with it.  I didn't know how cold the air conditioning was going to be and was not relishing the embarrassing "Looks like the turkey's done" comments from E2.  So, in an effort to minimize the RT, I scotch taped my poor nips.  Yeah.  If I'd only been savvy enough to know about these little gems that Mandy_Fish found.  The stinging, throbbing pain from the quick rip to get the tape off, even after a plethora of wine, was not something I will soon forget.

The Best? Man and E2
They forwent (is that a word?) the traditional wedding cake and went with tower after tower of gourmet cupcakes.  I'm not a big fan of cake in any form so I did not partake but E2 assured me they were delectable.

I don't dance.  I'm white, self-conscious and without fail end up doing a totally horrific combination of the running man mixed with the sprinkler.  Therefore, I don't dance.  Usually.  EXCEPT on occasions when there are people on the dance floor like this:

Dude ready to puke, a Mexican wanting to fist and a sloppy drunk in a fro.  Bust a move boys!

I love Lane's face in this one.  Some serious Blue Steel!

The man in the fro?  Father of the Bride.  How awesome is that?
Blurred vision.  It was time to call it a night.

The next day we had a few hours before E2 had to take me to LAX to catch my flight home.  There are no beaches in Utah, unless you count the Great Salt Lake and enjoy the aromatic scents of sulfur and brine shrimp.  So we walked down to the beach to try to get our fill until the next time.

Please.  No comments about how I got crabs at Laguna Beach. 
Cute, isn't he?

Sunset.  I'm ready to go back now, okay?