Sunday, November 6, 2011

How I got tricked on Halloween

Just like reaching puberty, I'm a little behind schedule...again.  I always get there eventually.  It just takes me a little longer than most people.  And thus we have my Halloween report.  Just be warned for those of you who actually read my posts.  This one may be a tad verbose.  This blog has no point, as many have noticed.  It's my online journal that I'm retarded enough to make public.  What I'm trying to say as nicely as possible is that this blog is for me.  I'm thrilled and constantly surprised when people actually take the time to read and comment.  It makes me enormously happy, but ultimately, this blog is for me and my sieve-like memory.  So I can read back and be horrified  thankful for the life I've been lucky enough to lead.

And with that, I give you...

Angry Birds!!!

There was a comment Doug Stephens left on my last post.  "Another angry bird victim.  Will it never end?"  And I couldn't agree with him more.  I was a VICTIM in this whole thing.  My supervisor came up with the idea and I went along at the time, planning on flaking out later, cause sometimes I'm a bad person like that.   However, the more excited about the idea she got, the more I came to realize there was no going back.  Like a virgin on Prom night, I was in it for the duration.  And because I live under a rock, coworkers had to show me what it was all about.  I have to be honest here...I still don't get the fuss.  I think it's effing stupid.  But the cute little monkey in the Rio version gave Candice the perfect opportunity to bring her little monkey to the office.  The same little monkey you've heard screaming in the first vlog.  He's clearly not a fan of dildo drink mixers.  To each their own, I suppose.
Even angry birds need lovin's!  Is an apostrophe appropriate with lovin's?
After work I flew the coop (Hehe get it?  Get it?  See what I did there?) and headed off to Zion's with E2 for the weekend.  Little did I know I was voluntarily heading off to my near demise.

Things went relatively smoothly the first couple of days.  We did some easy hikes, saw some wildlife, made fun of tourists.  Then came Sunday night.  The night before Halloween and the night before we were to do the big hike.  The whole reason for the trip.  The hike to the Subway.  That night E2 made a spicy Szechuan stir fry.  It was delicious.  But holy hell it was painful.  We would take a bite.  Chew chew chew, swallow.  Gasp for life giving air as tears rolled down our cheeks.  Gulp some wine and mentally prepare for the next bite.  We managed to choke it down and sat back to wait for the burning in our mouths to cease.

It was around this point my stomach started making incredibly loud, odd, angry sounding noises.  I whistled a show tune into the air while gazing at the stars and enjoying the fire.  La la la I don't hear anything.  E2 on the other hand, wasn't about to just let it go.

E2- Are you gonna shit yourself tonight?
Me- Wow.  You are SUCH the romantic.
E2- I need to know.  I need you to be honest cause I sleep next to you.  You wear a thong.  It's gonna go out both sides.
I never did answer him and I'm happy to report I did not shit myself.  I did, however, pee my pants while trying to stumble into the shrubbery while howling with laughter.  Not cool.  Not cool at all.

The next morning we got a late start because he decided he wanted to shoot some sunrise pictures before we headed out.  He told me I could sleep for another 40 minutes and it was the sweetest thing I had heard all weekend.  However, because of the late start, that meant the other hikers who had also acquired permits had a major head start on us.  I didn't know until later that this was an issue.

We drive to the trail head and see the parking lot with five other vehicles.  We head off down the trail and it's not too bad at all.  He had previously warned me this would not be an easy hike.  It's 4.5 hours in and then 4.5 to get back out.  At this point I'm thinking "Pfft.  What kind of wimp does he think I am?  I've totally got this.  At this rate we'll be there in 2 hours".

After 20 min's of E2's mach 5 pace, I was getting a little winded but it was pretty level so I had no trouble keeping up.  Then we came to the sign mockingly stating "You are now entering Zions back country".  Wait.  WHAT?  The actual hike hasn't even STARTED yet?  No.  That's cool.  I've still got this.

Except I didn't.  We soon started down a very steep, rocky and tiring descent.  Every time I stepped down I'd get sewing machine leg, where your leg starts shaking uncontrollably. 
It finally levels off and my legs feel like jelly.  I'm freaking tired.  I nonchalantly ask "Hey, E2.  (Cause that's what I call him in real life) How far in do you think we are?  Like, how long do you think we've been hiking for now?

His response, "About 30 minutes".

Oh shit.

It only got worse from there.  You have to understand.  This was no ordinary hike along a little well worn path.  No.  Ohhh no.  The entire hike was like the stairmaster climb from hell.  It was never flat.  You were constantly scrambling over rocks, pulling yourself up by the trees.  We crossed the river by jumping from rock to rock about 15 times.

And it's not like we were going at a normal pace.  Oh hell no.  We had to go at E2 pace.  He had to beat everyone there so he could have time to get some good shots before it turned into a tourist cluster.  We'd see some wet sand or some footprints and he'd get excited and say "See that?  We're gaining on them"  I'd simply wheeze in response.
We caught up to the first couple of people and he pointed to them and said, "See that?  Eyes on the prize Dawn.  Eyes on the prize".  I wanted to slap him.

We ended up passing everyone and we made it to the Subway first and he got his freaking pictures.  And it was amazingly spectacular and the most striking place I've ever hiked to.  Okay?  I admit it.  It was phenomenal.

And yeah, don't for a second think I actually took this.
They're all E2's doing.
It was bigger than I expected.  Heh.  Say it with me now...that's what she said.  *sigh*

If you do the hike from the top down, you rappel in and wade through the pools.
A crack in the rock we had to walk over that the water was flowing through.
 Heading back, we ran out of water.  Which may or may not have been because I sucking on that camelbak straw like a...actually, I'm gonna just skip this one.  It's too obvious.  But we ran out of water.  I pulled my arm out of the socket trying to pull myself up a stupid rock by grabbing a tree because my legs were so wasted at this point.  My eyes welled up but I didn't cry dammit!

E2 is chatting away as if my life weren't in any sort of peril whatsoever.  I finally had to tell him "I can't talk to you anymore.  I'm in survival mode.  I need to conserve my energy."

Hiking along in front of me, his response was to slap his ass and say "See this?"

Me- "Yep.  Eyes on the prize Dawn.  Eyes on the prize."

I literally ended up crawling out of that canyon and walking back to the truck.  I was wondering if my legs would ever be the same again while fighting back tears of exhaustion when E2 mentioned coming back the next weekend and doing the hike from the top down.  If I had had the energy, I would have punched him somewhere really mean while screaming Trick or Treat MOFO!


  1. Congratulations on surviving the hike. But more importantly, congratulations on not spicy Szechuan shitting yourself. "It would squirt out both sides"? That's really disgustingly hilarious. What a way to start the morning, with that image.
    It's only slightly mediated by the beautiful pics E2 managed to get.

  2. That sounds like so much fun. Your one-liners are HYSTERICAL :0)

    That hike must have been awesome!

  3. I smoked dope on top of the white house with a Senator.

  4. Well you lived and those photos are stunning. And now you never have to do that again. Tell E2 you'll get your Angry Bird on and peck his eyes out if he makes you :P

  5. Wow, that looks awesome (that's what she said). If Utah weren't full of so many freaks (sorry, but I'm not a very conservative person), I'd totally want to live there.

  6. So cool! I went to Zion but I didn't hike there. I think I told you about my one and only hike into the Grand Canyon and that pretty much did me in for hikes in this lifetime.

    But I enjoy reading about your hikes in a schadenfreude kind of way.

  7. Any day I don't shit myself from bad Chinese food goes down as a good one in my books. And sweet Jesus, that place looks fucking phenomenal. I can't believe you actually hiked through there. Fantastic photos. It makes me think of Jules Verne's Journey to the Centre of the Earth!

  8. Coming out both sides? A powerful image.

  9. Loving the green angry bird. I've hiked Zions before (previous life) but never saw anything that gorgeous - I think I was ripped off. You lady crack me up!

  10. LMAOOOO! Man I love your writing style!!!! hahahahaha I think I'm in love.... congrats on making the hike, your pictures are PHENOMENAL

  11. Wow...that hike sounds excruciating, but what an amazing place at the end. Oh, and you and E2 are absolutely hilarious!

  12. Love every one of those pictures. Angry Birds group?! Fantastic!!! And the little monkey?! So cute.

  13. Congrats on accomplishing something that made me sore just *reading* about it.

    And thanks for making laugh-I really should learn to stop reading your blog at work haha

  14. Pickelope- Thank you! I'm thinking of presenting myself with a congratulatory plaque for not spicy Szechuan shitting myself. I think it would look smashing on my cubie wall.

    Elisabeth- Sitting under the stars by a warm fire drinking wine with my favorite person...yeah, THAT part was fun. The rest? Give me a few months and I'll get back to you.

    Nixabn- Why am I not surprised? Not even a little.

    TriGirl- He really did take some fantastic photos but yeah, I definitely like your threatening style.

  15. Those are stunning photographs! (Of course I'm speaking of Angry Birds and not The Subway!!!)

    And "squirt out on both sides?" Classy! ;)
    (I hope to use that line in real life one day!)

  16. Wow- Now I'm mentally saying "that's what she said" after everything everyone is saying. And 70% of the time it doesn't even make sense. Speaking of statistics, as of 2009, there were 27% more registered Democrats than Republicans and it's been steadily growing since then. Also, we have a fairly large gay community, comprising 17% of the population. So your conservative argument is moot. Try again.

    Mandy_Fish- I remember! I don't think I posted about it but we went to the Grand Canyon over Labor Day weekend. Pretty sure I got heat exhaustion. Or maybe I'm just a huge baby. Either way, it's absolutely crucial that I wait at LEAST a month in between these excursions. Just long enough to forget the things I detest about them. Schadenfreude. You and your fancy words. Not to worry. Me and my one semester of psychology 101 from community college totally gets it. And this schadenfreude you speak of has gotten me through many an otherwise gloomy day.

  17. ABFTS- Chinese and I usually get along. It's Indian or Thai I have to have some peace talks with. It really was amazing. If they only provided some sort of shuttle service! And you are absolutely right! I wonder if he'd ever taken a trip to Zion's?

    Tony- I suppose it would depend on the force to determine just how powerful. Ew.

    Brandy- I had been there quite a few times already as well. Erik just seems to know all these extra cool spots that not a lot of people make it to. Sometimes I'm glad. A lot of times I find myself crying on the inside. ;)

    Punk- Thanks. :) It was touch and go there for awhile but we both came away relatively unscathed.

    Lindsey- Give me a little more time and I may say it was worth it. He makes me laugh. We have a good time together. :)

  18. Joshua- WASN'T he though? I don't think he wasn't being held (read molested) by someone throughout that entire day.

    Amanda- Thank you for your sympathy soreness. It's good to share the pain. ;) I am so jealous blogger isn't blocked at your work. It used to be my lunch break reading and I loved getting caught up on everyone's blogs.

    KSK- Ha! That made me laugh. Yes. Stunning angry birds. Simply stunning. :) Classy. That's me. And it's good to have goals. I hope you use it in your life very soon and then blog about it!

  19. Gorgeous pictures and I would have punched him too.

    Shitting yourself and wearing a thong? The thought of which just can't be good. Hilarious though and why I keep coming back for more. Love it.

  20. Never apologize for your verbosity kiddo. It's what brings people back to you over time.

    BTW- I'm totally impressed that you're a hiker. The most I'll hike is to the store to buy a card that has a cave or waterfall on it.

  21. Love your angry birds costumes! They are so cute!

    The hike looks beautiful. I am going hiking next week and can't wait. Not sure I'll get to see anything as pretty as there though.

    ~The Clumsy Coquette

  22. One Bad Pixie- I'll hold him if you punch him. My fists have gotten tired.

    Bodacious Boomer- I love that you think I'm a hiker. Sadly, in reality, I'm a moaner, a bitcher and a big whiny baby who buys postcards to mail to the neighbor so they know where to send the search parties. I wish I were joking.

    Clumsy Coquette- Good luck on your hike. Be sure to take lots of water! Or lots of liquor. Either way...just be prepared!

  23. Hiking is not for the faint of heart....and I don't care what they say, Dildo Blenders are the best invention ever.

  24. Wowww ..congrats on surviving the hike, making me laugh AND making me jealous of those photos all in one post!

  25. Mrs. Tuna- I thoroughly concur. On both counts! :)

    Yvonne- And thank YOU for making my head swell just a little. Okay...kind of a lot.

  26. Funny and a nice ass? Sounds like you've got yourself a winner. Too bad he makes you do crappy things like appreciate awesome natural beauty. Starting to think I need to drag my family through some national parks...