Sunday, September 25, 2011

Vlogging with a dildo. Can we DO that on Blogger?


I was recently contacted by Eden Fantasys asking if I'd like to post a review on one of their sex toys.  Huh?  It took me a minute to work through it.  They would send me something in the mail, for free, and all I had to do was write about it?  I LOVE getting packages in the mail.  It always feels like a mini Christmas.  Except for that one time my ex-husband sent a package to my parents house that I was pretty sure was chock full of Anthrax.  But under normal circumstances, love them!

Since I basically live at work, I gave that address to have it mailed to.  When Katie popped her head up over the side of my cubicle to inform me I had a package, I had a mild stroke.  Oh holy crap!  What was I thinking, having a sex toy delivered to me at WORK?  Katie's going to go back to her department and mention it to someone and someone else will overhear and then the whole COMPANY will know I just had a package delivered to me from Dirty Nasty Sexy Time Toys for Perverted Creeps dot com. 

I decided to use the rest of the afternoon to update my resume.  That is, until I actually checked out the return label and realized it was from Upstanding Citizens Are Us So Move Along Folks There's Nothing To See Here dot com.   Okay, I don't actually remember what the return label said, I just remember being relieved that it didn't have anything that even remotely sounded like it involved anal plundering.

I decided to sneak a quick peek at what had been sent.  I pulled it out, gasped, and immediately shoved it back in the box and threw it under my desk.  For some reason I was expecting a small, magic bullet type thing.  Not the giant orange dildo, aka, lucid dream, I would now have to smuggle out of the office.

Using my impressive powers of begging persuasion, I somehow convinced my friend Candice to help me with a video demonstration.  The ensuing conversation she had over the phone with her husband:

Candito:  Guess what I'm going to do with VV?
Husband:  Something sexual?
Canditao:  Actually, yes, kind of.
Husband:  No way!  Can I watch?
Candito:  Probably not.  You'll still be at work.
Husband:  You should make a video of it.
Candito:  Oh, we are.
Husband:  No way!
Candito:  Way.

Oh yes Husband.  Be excited.  This four minute video will rock your world.  Or give you a headache.  If you actually make it through the whole thing, please don't be alarmed.  Do not call animal rescue.  Her two little dogs were not, in fact eating each other.  That's what dogs do when they're "playing".  Also, no need to call child protection services.  The screaming baby you hear being neglected while the two women play with their dildo was just fine.  He's teething.  The thought crossed my mind to stick the lucid dream in the freezer and give it to baby for his poor little mouth.  But I was pretty sure Mom would draw the line at shoving a g-spot vibrator in baby's face.

One more thing to be aware of if you choose to continue.  This video sucks.  That's not me being modest or self-deprecating.  It really does suck.  We only had time to do it once, there's zero editing, it's wretched, and the sound isn't synched properly with the video.  I asked E2 why this was happening and he said the audio codec isn't supported by youtube or blogger.  This means nothing to me.  He offered to take a look to try to fix it but I don't want him witnessing the complete train wreck that is this vlog.

And so, with that disclaimer, enjoy.


I am so sorry.  Truly.

43 comments:

  1. Now if only people would start sending me things related to the subject matter of my blog. >.> I love the video, but the audio was HORRIBLY desynced.

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  2. LOL. I loved how you drank the cocktail (no pun intended but it works)afterwards. lol.

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  3. Why an orange dildo? Is it for people who fantasize about that bloke made out of orange rocks in the Fantastic Four?

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  4. LOL!!! VV Darling, YOU'RE a riot!! Blowing kisses, and ONLY kisses... xoxo

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  5. Haha omg. I am thoroughly amused.

    Hope you "enjoy"

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  6. I am so looking forward to watching your crappy video later... i have 4 kids crawling all over me right now and don't feel like answering their questions :P

    Don't worry about being a one-take wonder... that's how I shoot all my blog videos...sure it shows, but imagine if they were shitty anyway...I'd have no excuse :)

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  7. Oh. Oh wow. That was...wow. Bravo, ladies :)

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  8. "Anal Plundering" What a colorful phrase!! I'll have to try that one out at the next company Christmas party... or any other environment where people will be too intoxicated to remember I said something like that!

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  9. Mixing a cocktail with a cock sounds almost sensible to me! And if you mix ENOUGH of them you really WILL have Lucid Dreams. I imagine. Because I wouldn't know, being a nun and everything.

    PS Did you know you can also use those cocktail mixers you have there, ON YOUR SCHNIZZ? Because you totally can.

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  10. WTF, exactly, is in that KoolAid out there, girlfriend?

    Seriously, though, as confused as I was when you said you were going to demonstrate a sex toy with your friend with dogs and a baby in the room...well, I'm glad it involved 7-Up and vodka too. I've never thought of using a vibrator as a stir-stick, but I'll try to keep my out on the drink table next time I have a party.

    Kentucky and Utah should not be so far away. :(

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  11. "Who doesn't want an orange dildo?"

    I'm pretty sure I don't need one. Of any color.

    So...was it dreamy?

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  12. I couldn't watch the whole thing. It made me think of my old roommate who I found out filmed gay porn in our basement & whose dildos I stumbled upon...

    Yes, I wrote about this.

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  13. Oh my gosh, oh my gosh. LOve it! You are too funny. This is amazing and should be up on Eden's website. It would sell millions. Haha. Too funny today lady, thanks for the laugh :)

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  14. If that thing ever fails on the sex toy market, it sounds like your dog was eager to use it as a jittery new chew toy.

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  15. The baby in the background really sets the mood! Nicely done.

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  16. Dylanthulhu- You would be doing music reviews to your hearts content! I know. It's AWFUL. I can't even stand watching it again.

    Trinista- Ha! Yes, yes I did. :)

    Tony Van Helsing- That actually made me wonder if there are people who do fantasize about The Thing. Probably. Trinista did a post about hamsters which is way weirder than a rock man imo.

    C OC Mommy- Hahahahahaha! That was awesome. :)

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  17. I can honestly say that this was my first dildo demonstration that I've ever watched.
    I think this Momma's getting a new drink stirrer! The in-laws are coming over next weekend, I can make some perfectly mixed cocktails! :)

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  18. Bay Park Dream- If by "amused" you mean horrified, then I'm right there with you.

    XLMIC- You make an excellent point. What excuse would I have then? Crap.

    TriGirl- You really make me laugh. You're just far too nice to say something mean.

    Dreamer- It's a personal favorite. The phrase I mean, not the actual act!

    Wow- I think they would make a great substitute babysitter. Good luck toddling very far with those locking you to the coffee table baby! Thanks for the idea!

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  19. Veggie Assassin- Ha! I'll let you know how lucid my dreams are after a few cocktail rounds. And say whaaaat? On my schnizz?? That's just dirty! ;)

    Natalie- I think the real question is, what ISN'T in our koolaid? Nothing says party like a dildo stir stick on the table. Just make sure you wash it first. Ya know, or not. And I agree. I've always sucked at long distance relationships. :)

    Padded Cell Princess- Oooo now you're talking! A couple of drinks, some whipped cream, and a vibrator. Now THAT'S a good time.

    Joshua- That's cool. They have prostate massagers for the guys. Not necessarily in orange, if that's where your aversion comes in. ;)

    Andrew- Avert your eyes! Look away! You're far too young for this anyway. I'll have to check out that post. Yikes!

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  20. Actually, orange is my favorite color. ;^)

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  21. TexaGermaNadian- If by selling millions you mean sales would plummet, then YES! I'll suggest they put it up on their site immediately! :)

    ABFTS- Oh I'm sure her dogs would have LOVED having it as a chew toy. Another great use for it!

    Elana- Hahaha! Nothing says sexy time like a screeching baby. Awesome.

    KSK- Oh I would LOVE to see the looks on their faces!! Their sweet daughter-in-law innocently mixing drinks with a dildo cause she saw a demonstration on the internet. It's what it's used for cause the internet doesn't lie.

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  22. Joshua- Well then. I'll put you down for two. One for you and one for the missus. The couple that stirs together, stays together!

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  23. What is its temperature threshold? I have soup I need to stir.

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  24. Joshua- Haha! Excellent question. I'll leave that demonstration/vlog up to you.

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  25. Hilarious! Dildos the world over will be proud!

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  26. HahaHAAA! I love the crying baby in the background. And you SWALLOWED! Dudes were diggin' that, I'm sure. Awesome.

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  27. You had a sex toy delivered to your work?!? Are you auditioning for a sitcom? That's ridiculous and hilarious and hilariously ridiculous. Now that you've complied and tested their product, do you get more, like a lifetime supply so you can finally remodel one of your rooms into the dildo-room (Andy Dick's dildo room is amazing, like a rock climbing wall made of multi-colored rubber dongs)? Or at least a more modestly-sized toy that doesn't imply there's a reverberating echo every time you queef? Is the end goal here really to get fired and transition to a prominent career as an internet sex-toy-reviewer?

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  28. Alice X- Unless they have any self respect at all.

    Mandy_Fish- Umm...I really don't know what to say about this one.

    Dawn- I may have swallowed but I never inhaled.

    Pickleope- I like where your pickled head's at. A climbing wall? You're a genius. Or every mothers nightmare. The jury's still out.

    Devore- I was going to type out your whole name but I'm tired. But mostly indifferent.

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  29. Ohhhh...devour the beautiful monster. Got it.

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  30. Can't watch the video at the moment but stir stick for cocktails sounds like a great use for it. I have got to get me one. I can just imagine my inlaws fainting over that!

    Word verif- undyifyi or spelled out- un do it yourself for you information. How fitting?

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  31. First time visiting your blog & this had me seriously laughing, thanks for that!! I'm totally coming back to read post under "if you are not my mother read these", cant wait!! Have a fantabulous weekend:)
    Berry flavored 7up?? Us canadians are so deprived:(

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  32. I think we all feel a little dirty now and we like it.

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  33. Loved it! Fuckin' hilarious, as usual!

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  34. Bad Pixie- I suppose it depends on how much you like your in-laws, or maybe how much of a sense of humor do they have? Word verif, nice!

    Sassy- So glad you found it! And we may have berry 7-up but you have all the coffee crisp, and ketchup chips and Tim Hortons...need I go on? ;)

    Mrs. Tuna- If by dirty you mean moderately ashamed, then yes. Right you are!

    Mir- Thanks! :) Just checked out your blog. Let me know when your first post is up.

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  35. lol i think your doing it wrong

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  36. Bart- Would it be too passe to say "that's what she said"?

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  37. Okay...that had me in hysterics. The babies and the dogs in the back ground really add to the video. And it's not everyday you can say you get sent a huge orange dildo to your work address LoL!

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  38. I totally have that in purple.

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  39. The background noise is the best birth control EVER, btw! ;)

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