Wednesday, August 10, 2011

I should be sleeping right now and the beach sucks anyway.

I don’t sleep.  Not well, anyway.  I’ve always had issues but it hadn’t been chronic until about three years ago.  Right around the time I started working where I am now.  Which is also about the time I started keeping a steady supply of Prilosec in my bottom desk drawer.  My denial won’t allow me to believe there is any correlation between my hire date and my onset of sleep deprivation and ulcer development.  Nope.  Pure coincidence.  

Unless chemically assisted, I don’t remember the last time I slept through the night.  I do however, recall my one time trial with Ambien.  I slept as if in a coma and dreamt of stuffing my face with calzones while the munchkins of the Lollypop Guild hailed me as their pizza queen…which naturally, was bliss.  That is, until my alarm went off.  I got out of bed and stumbled off to the bathroom feeling like one of those V8 tools who can’t manage to stand upright.  I felt drunk and drugged and worst of all, like I needed to sleep for another eleventy days. 
I called in sick that morning, went back to bed and slept until 4:00pm.  Accomplishing the productivity equivalent of a typical day at the office.  Shhh. 

Needless to say, my levels of functionality are at their lowest first thing in the morning.  Which is why I seriously need to rethink my bathroom counter organization.  Anyone else see a potential problem with this?


This particular morning I felt my mouth had had enough.  All of those embarrassing red bumps along my gum-line and those unsightly ingrown hairs.  Ugh!  Who wants THAT grinning at them?  Sure, it was moderately medicinal in taste but I think it was worth the effort.  My mouth is now free to smile willy nilly at whoever crosses it's path and however maniacally it chooses.  No more shameful cover ups or board shorts over the head.  Those days are over.

Yep.  I mistakenly slathered my toothbrush with bikini zone rather than Crest.  Both tubular in shape.  Both twist off caps.  Both taste like crap.  Sadly, it wasn't the first time it's happened.  As if I'd be one of those people who learn from their mistakes.  Pompous prigs are what THEY are.  But not me.  No sir.  Not me.

31 comments:

  1. Darling VV, my coffee is all over my screen and keyboard and now I must redo my lipstick and powder! Please lovey, remove the bikini zone from the basket, not for you... but for me so you don't write about this again and I have to call the IT guy to fix my laptop! lol Hugs Darling... xoxo

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  2. I mean seriously, who keeps their lipstick in the bathroom. Honestly.

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  3. I use Tend Skin so this doesn't happen. Of course you would probably mistake it for mouthwash.

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  4. Or you could just be a total slob like me and not even put your toothpaste away in a drawer and just keep it out on your sink.

    And my special bikini zone cream? In a basket in the back of my bathroom closet. Because I only need that for special occasions, like when I actually shave above my mid thigh. That happens the 5 times a summer I head to a public beach.

    But only some of us can reach this special level of low maintenance.

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  5. It's the eyelash curler you really have to worry about--I once ripped out half my lashes on my right eye using one. Granted I was driving at the time, but still. Danger.

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  6. On the flip side, You vagina could be up to 3 shades whiter!

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  7. LOL!!! What a very unfortunate morning..
    **ANd Padded Cell Princess's comment cracked me up!

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  8. C OC Mommy- My laptop IT people are a nightmare to deal with so for that reason alone...consider it removed.

    Joshua- Heathens and derelicts?

    Mandy_Fish- Brush and floss but I draw the line at mouthwash. Mainly cause it burns and I'm a wuss. I'll have to look into this Tend Skin.

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  9. Tricia- Perhaps I'll take your same stance. Except with the toothpaste. Only use for special occasions. Yes, I think I like this.

    Elana- Duuuude. I've poked myself in the eye with the mascara wand. I was stationary. Behind my desk. I am both horrified that you're doing that while driving yet oddly impressed.

    Padded Cell Princess- Gives a whole new meaning to vaginal bleaching, doesn't it? This was the best thing I've read all day btw.

    KSK- Yup. But I've had far worse.

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  10. Okay, now I have the phrase "vaginal bleaching" stuck in my head and I'm about to take an Ambien. I anticipate some crazy dreams tonight.

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  11. Joshua- Quick! Think vajazzle! It's a much more pleasant, and sparlier image to go to bed to.

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  12. If I dealt with my bikini line, I'm sure I'd do the same.

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  13. Andrew- A little man-scaping should never be underestimated. The girls will appreciate it. For realz.

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  14. I couldn't believe that no one else said it! I thought we were all thinking it so I just got to be the lucky one to say it first!

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  15. You know, it wasn't the first thing I thought about. Also didn't have messed up dreams because of "vaginal bleaching," but now that I'm at work, I'll be thinking about it all day. So thanks...

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  16. Padded Cell- It honestly hadn't even crossed my mind...surprisingly.

    Joshua- As long as you didn't google it while at work, no one needs be any the wiser.

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  17. Ok, I'm laughing, but it's not funny! You could die!...ok, sorry, too much drama!
    But girl, get that bikini shit into a different cupboard.
    As for your sleep issues, I hear you. After struggling with insomnia and Restless Legs Syndrome for over 20 years, the doctor finally put me on Clonazepam 2 years ago. It's delightful! Get some. Plus no hangover effect.

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  18. As a man, I'm not entirely sure what the hell Bikini Zone is, but I'm going to pretend it's an instant clothing dissolver in a tube.

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  19. "I slept as if in a coma and dreamt of stuffing my face with calzones while the munchkins of the Lollypop Guild hailed me as their pizza queen…which naturally, was bliss."
    I want to sleep this way!
    (Fantastic sentence. Love it. :) )

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  20. Sandra- Pretty sure I killed a couple of taste buds if nothing else. Thanks for the tip. Sleep with no hangover effects? I will be asking my doctor about this. Thank you!

    A Beer for the shower- You are absolutely correct. What girl wants to waste time physically removing their clothes they spent money purchasing and time coordinating when we could just dump a tube of goo on us and voila! Nekkedness all around! Hurrah! I could find uses for that.

    Dawn- If only I could make this happen for every one. It would be my gift to the world!

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  21. LMAO!! I knew I was getting off easy mixing up my shampoo and body wash.

    And the Ambien is definitely dangerous, which I found out in a roundabout way. I asked my dr for something to help me deal with my intense public speaking phobia (I had to give a presentation in front of 300 people). She gave me a prescription for lorazepam, which worked like a charm.

    Except last month. My presentation to our Board of Directors went very well and might have had a positive effect on my career if I hadn't promptly fallen asleep in the meeting. Apparently lorazepam is the active ingredient in Ambien. Might have been good to know...

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  22. I can barely function in the morning while unmedicated. I will now have nightmares about what could happen to me on Ambien.

    Seriously, find a new home for that Bikini Zone stuff.

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  23. Ixy- I've totally done that as well but it wasn't so bad. You weren't sleeping. You were meditating on the importance of what was being discussed by the board. Obvi. ;)

    Stacey- Seriously the most troublesome part of my day.

    Timothy- *sigh* I know.

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  24. I seriously came very close to peeing my pants reading this. Good thing I didn't because I am not feeling like doing laundry today.

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  25. I have never done that -- probably because I don't keep any other kind of tube on the shelf where I keep my toothpaste. Otherwise, I can see having a similar incident.

    Cherie @ Refractions

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  26. You should just let the wolverine run free with the wookies in the canadian wilderness.

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  27. Jane- Way to keep it under control. I learned a long time ago that no one likes to hang with the urine soaked girl.

    Cherie- Wise. Very wise.

    Nghia- NEVER!!! What sort of barbarian do you take me for? That's a rhetorical question btw...please don't answer.

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  28. Just tell people you had a mouth sore and was completely out of Anbesol.

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  29. Hippo- :)

    Tonya- It's just so crazy it just might work!

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