Sunday, July 10, 2011

A Wedding And Some Wine



Another couple has crossed over to that dark underworld of marriage.  And it was by far the most fun weekend celebration of doom I've ever experienced.  Key elements that will ensure the wedding to be a smashing success are as follows in order of importance:
  1. Liquor.  Free and in abundance.  Even the most bitchy and catty of table companions will mellow out and realize I'm only talking to your husband now because you have pointedly ignored me and my attempts at conversation for the last 30 minutes of dinner.  Is it MY fault you decided to pull your hair back so tight it's narrowed your eyes and made you look like you're permanently squinting?  Is it MY fault your husband keeps checking out our server's cleavage when your own is so prominently on display?  Is it MY fault you have yet to lose the baby weight from your last child...who is now FOUR?  You're in Laguna Beach for hell's sake!  Have another drink and enjoy it!  Which brings me to number two.
  2. Location.  Which would you prefer?  Someplace warm and sunny with an ocean you can go kayaking in and have curious little seals swimming around you wanting to play and watch the pelicans gliding overhead that sure, pooped midair and splattered you on the forehead but whatev's it wiped off easily enough and did I mention there's an ocean?  OR.  A wedding in someplace like South Dakota where you can...I don't even know what.  My coworker has a theory that SD doesn't even exist because really, have you ever actually MET anyone who lives there, is from there, or has been there?  I think he may be onto something.
  3. An awesomely cool couple who really do love each other and are excited to voluntarily spend the rest of their lives together.  I know you would think this should be a given at a wedding but you would be wrong.  

I've already grown bored making this list so I'll stop at three.  Best not to overdo it.  Just going to put up a few pics from the weekend wedding bonanza and call it good. 

Lawn bowling + a never-ending margarita fountain = flawless form.


The older dude in the picture behind me worked at the club and was giving our team pointers.  I was three margaritas into the game at this point, and I think it was this roll that my bowl, ball, whatever they're called wobbled off into the game beside ours.  He slapped his forehead with the exclamation "Jesus Christ!  At THIS stage of the game?"  We did not win.

The gorgeous bride in her sparkly white wedding dress waiting for our shuttle.


The bride and groom after the ceremony.

 Which, I have to say, was one of the odder ceremonies I've witnessed.  The woman who performed the ceremony was a new-age, chakra-aligning, crystal wearing cliche who was just plain awesome.  She held a rather loud bell and one of those metal things used to bang a gong.  After each sentence she would punctuate it with "Aho" and ding the bell.  "May Mother Jaguar wrap us in her coils of love and smile down upon us.  Aho!"  I just remember standing there during the ceremony thinking "What the what?  Coils of who and aho what?  Aho ld on one minute cause I'm totally lost".  And I thought E2 was a hippie.

Let's pause for a moment while I talk about this dress.
 Soo I'm a total sucker and bought this dress online from Victoria's Secret.  The model in the picture was wearing the green version.  The model looked fantastic in the green dress.  If I buy the green dress I will look like a beautiful model.  Logically I know this is not how it works.  I know this is how the marketing genius's want it to work.  Illogically, I hoped it would work as my fingers were typing in my credit card information.  The dress is basically just a skirt with two really long flaps of fabric that you twist any which way to create the look you want on top.  The problem with this dress is that no matter how you work it, there is no bra in the world that's going to work with it.  I didn't know how cold the air conditioning was going to be and was not relishing the embarrassing "Looks like the turkey's done" comments from E2.  So, in an effort to minimize the RT, I scotch taped my poor nips.  Yeah.  If I'd only been savvy enough to know about these little gems that Mandy_Fish found.  The stinging, throbbing pain from the quick rip to get the tape off, even after a plethora of wine, was not something I will soon forget.

The Best? Man and E2
They forwent (is that a word?) the traditional wedding cake and went with tower after tower of gourmet cupcakes.  I'm not a big fan of cake in any form so I did not partake but E2 assured me they were delectable.


I don't dance.  I'm white, self-conscious and without fail end up doing a totally horrific combination of the running man mixed with the sprinkler.  Therefore, I don't dance.  Usually.  EXCEPT on occasions when there are people on the dance floor like this:

Dude ready to puke, a Mexican wanting to fist and a sloppy drunk in a fro.  Bust a move boys!

I love Lane's face in this one.  Some serious Blue Steel!

The man in the fro?  Father of the Bride.  How awesome is that?
Blurred vision.  It was time to call it a night.

The next day we had a few hours before E2 had to take me to LAX to catch my flight home.  There are no beaches in Utah, unless you count the Great Salt Lake and enjoy the aromatic scents of sulfur and brine shrimp.  So we walked down to the beach to try to get our fill until the next time.

Please.  No comments about how I got crabs at Laguna Beach. 
Cute, isn't he?

Sunset.  I'm ready to go back now, okay?

18 comments:

  1. totally wedding season -the bridesmaids and i went to see the film 'bridesmaids' before our friend got married on Friday- very funny!

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  2. I've heard it's pretty hilarious. I wonder what the possibility of talking the boy into seeing it is? I'm thinking I'll have to round up the girls for this one.

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  3. I just stopped by from Comment Love. I think I kind of love your site.

    For the record, I think you rocked that dress. I know what you mean about buying things off victoria's secret. I'm always convinced that when i put on the swimsuit i ordered from them my boobs will grow 2 cup sizes and my ass will shrink 10 inches. You'd think i'd learn my lesson at some point.

    One more thing: i love your name :D

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  4. My Dearest VV, YOU are a charm! First time here and I'm already trying to catch up on who E2 is, that we are in agreement about not liking early mornings and that quite frankly, Spray Tan and Blondie needed a good Ef You!! Cups Up my Darling... xoxo

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  5. Yeah, you totally rocked that dress and the shipping tape. I once used shipping tape to hold my chicken cutlets in place. I'm sure pulling tape out from under your arms is not as bad as your nips.

    My husband would have told you to simply nip out and lose the tape.

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  6. TriGirl-I feel like SUCH a geek even posting this but I've been reading your blog for awhile now and I literally gasped when I saw you posted. Glad I'm not the only one who falls for their wily big boobed ways.

    C OC Mommy- It makes me so happy that you're reading my posts! You are such a doll and have made my morning.

    Mandy_Fish- I adore you! And your husband...yeah, typical guy. Was just talking to E2 yesterday trying to understand what IS it exactly with their fascination with boobs?

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  7. You're too nice! Following you too :)

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  8. Looks like an amazing celebration. The crab pic is awesome and you looked great in the dress!

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  9. Thank you Beverly! I can't take credit for the crab picture. That was E2's doing. In fact, any decent photo that ever shows up on this blog was most likely taken by him.

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  10. Thanks for stopping by my blog and leaving a comment. I love these photos and your dress. It is too bad though that you had to rip scotch tape off your nipples in order to pull it off. I shudder at the thought. Oh well, at least you looked gorgeous I guess haha.

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  11. You're a total stunner in that dress and you always make me laugh.

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  12. You know, they just did a study that proves 15 minutes of looking at boobs a day increases blood pressure, leads to heart health, and increase's a man's life span by upwards of 5 years.

    As for that last picture...jealous.

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  13. Lindsay-Thanks for returning the love and yeah...not recommended. Not my best idea ever, although not my worst either.

    Brandy- I heart you!

    Joshua- I call bullshit. Seriously. Um..but really???

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  14. I can't find the article. My browser history only holds 2 days before clearing out to reduce space, so I don't have it anymore. I'm pretty sure I saw it on CNN.com, though.

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  15. Hi!

    Thanks so much for linking up with Super Stalker Sunday hop. There are several wonderful blogs participating this week, you're certain to find a few new favorites!

    I look forward to reading more from you!

    Your Co-Host,
    Emily from Nap Time Is My Time

    P.S. - I've recently switched from blogger to WordPress and had some issues when transferring the GFC widget. I'd really appreciate if you could double check to ensure you're following me!

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  16. I meant to leave a comment 20 minutes ago, but got distracted reading several of your other posts...that boulder wound looks painful. I'm the matron of honour at a wedding in two weeks and I think that's it for this season. Am I a bad seed for thinking I'll be relieved when it's over?

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  17. Joshua-Damn. You were serious? I'll have to look into this further...on work time of course.

    Emily-I will double check to make sure all is working as it should.

    Ixy- You're a sweetheart for taking the time to read my blatherings. I should add that to the list of how to have a successful wedding...at least for the guests. Don't ask/expect them to have any responsibilities other than showing up and having a blast. So no, that does not make you a bad seed.

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  18. "it was by far the most fun weekend celebration of doom I've ever experienced" - Hahahahahahaha

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