Wednesday, July 13, 2011

I think you know where you can shove your Potluck.

Monday was the second day within a week that my company department held a potluck. You bring your one dish to share and in return get to choose from a veritable plethora of edible delights. Who doesn’t love a good potluck? *raises hand* This girl, right here.



I don’t eat at buffets. Wanna know why? Two words. Snot guards. Any place serving food that has found it necessary to separate the food about to be consumed from the public’s bodily fluids is absolutely not to be trusted. I would rather search for lunch leftovers under my fingernails.


Same concept applies to potlucks. Sure, I work with these people and see them every day but how can I trust that they didn’t stick their filthy finger in the batter, test it out and dip again; just to be sure they put enough vanilla in there? How am I to know if a cloud of eyebrow dandruff has covertly drifted into that crock pot? What I DO know is that some of them think washing your hands with hot water and soap after using the rest room is more of a suggestion than a necessity. After Monday’s potluck a couple of coworkers mentioned feeling slightly nauseous. I stated that clearly it was the inevitable onset of Hepatitis C. They blew me off but we shall see. We shall see.


However, the questionable hygiene habits of my coworkers are not the main reason I dislike potlucks. It’s the pressure. Pressure that I very rarely cave in to. Last week’s potluck I zipped out 20 minutes before, grabbed a box of croissants and a jar of Nutella. Tossed it on the table and called it good. For some ridiculous reason I felt I should make an effort for this week’s potluck. Ugh. I don’t like baking or cooking or measuring or anything that requires more than dialing for takeout.


And so, in a stroke of impossible optimism I decided to bake an angel food cake. I vigorously washed my hands. With soap, even. Whipped up the batter, sans eyebrow dandruff and popped it in the oven. With my bowl of whipped cream and cherry topping standing by for the finished product, I plopped down on the couch with my glass of vino to await my culinary masterpiece.






I showed up with a meat, cheese and cracker tray that Cindy said looked like a lunchable on steroids.


                                                            I hate potlucks.

28 comments:

  1. eyebrow dandruff?? learn something new every day I suppose....

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  2. Sometimes ignorance is bliss. Sometimes.

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  3. I always blame 'high altitude' when my cakes don't turn out...or not enough wine consumed while baking

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  4. Oooo yes! I'm going with that! Never mind that pesky little detail that I am hopelessly domestically inept.

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  5. I'm with you - I'd really rather just go to a restaurant and get something I'd actually like to eat. As opposed to buying some lunchables on steriods to sit beside all the forlorn coleslaws and egg salad sandwiches. Same cost, vastly different culinary experience. Also - visiting the grocery store to purchase said lunchables is not exactly a relaxing experience, as say a restaurant would be. The alternative is making the stuff in the middle of the night with my oodles of spare time.

    Umm...sorry for the rant...can you tell I don't like potlucks either?

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  6. I so agree with you on this. One trip to Cici's pizza is all you need.

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  7. Two stories:

    1) My husband pulled one long blonde strand of hair out of the stuffed peppers tonight and looked at me accusatorily. That is quite possibly not a word and I don't care. Also: I told him I will NOT wear a hairnet when cooking at home.

    2) I made meatballs for our work Italian potluck. Meatballs I purchased from the frozen section of Trader Joe's, duh. The admin in our group has been after me ever since for my "recipe." It's been months now and I keep vaguely promising to bring in said recipe. It's too late to laugh it off and admit it was Trader Joe's, right?

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  8. I am literally laughing out loud at that picture.

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  9. Ixy- You are spot on! Who wants suspect egg (gag) sandwiches that have been fingered by who the hell knows? And why is it we always wait until the middle of the night to tackle this crap? Good to know I'm not alone.

    Oil- Cici's. That sounds familiar. I lived in NY for awhile. It's an East coast thing yeah? Pizza?

    Mandy_Fish- First off, effing gross! BUT, could he prove it was yours? Thought not. Although nothing says sexy like the little woman in the kitchen rocking a hair net.
    And yes, it is far too late to go with the truth now. Google some generic recipe and when it inevitably turns out horribly, well duh, they must not have followed your directions properly. You make me laugh.

    Andrew- Asshole. ;) I officially challenge you to a cake off. You've got a week. And yeah, that means pictures. Bring it!!!

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  10. I almost cried laughing so hard. The pictures say it all. Between the cookies and angel cake, you’re a woman on a mission to prove that you shouldn’t cook. Maybe you should leave the cooking up to the domestically incline or the microwave. I would have to agree with you on Potlucks, they really are terrible. . I actually got super sick from Mexican pot luck. (Never again) Ignorance is bliss, eyebrow dandruff, dirty hands… wow… bad mental picture. I’d try take out the next potluck, it works. People actually think you care. I wish you the best of luck on your next cooking adventure.

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  11. I always hate potlucks because there is always that one bitch who goes above and beyond and shows up with a three layer cake with like 15 different kinds of frosting.

    What ever happened to simple potato salads?

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  12. We have one every year at Thanksgiving. I went my first year and have figured out ways of missing it completely. Last year I showed up with someone else and we "snuck in" when a larger group of people showed up. Then, once everyone started making for the food, we left, grabbed take out, and went back to work where we had the whole building to ourselves. It was spectacular.

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  13. Pfft. I know my limits & baking an angel food cake is definitely something I would fail at. I need to get better at cooking because I'm sure the people at Chipotle are tired of seeing me 4 or 5 times a week.

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  14. I think I'm on to something that might help with my big (wink wink) problem. I've been ordered to step it up, btw. A hot and horny potluck! Thanks for the idea!!

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  15. Stunner- You remember my charred hockey puck cookies. I'm touched. Please picture me rolling my eyes now. I should see if I can scrounge up a picture of those. They were worse than my cake failure.

    Sassy Pants- EXACTLY!! Which is also part of the caving in equation. Those bitches need to quit setting the bar so damn high! Nutella for everyone I say!

    Joshua- Pad Thai takeout and I'm right there with you! Please??

    C OC Mommy- Understatement of the month!

    Andrew- Mmmm Chipotle. Congrats on knowing your limits so early in life. I'm still in denial. Plus, mmm Chipotle.

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  16. Wow- OMG!!! I'm laughing right now. I can only imagine what kind of special sauce would go into your potluck contribution. Effing sick! :)

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  17. Hahah...you are hilarious. I was seriously gagging at the idea of eyebrow dandruff in my food. Good attempt on the cake though, but I am sure your co workers were impressed with the lunchable on steroids. Thanks for following my blog too btw, so happy to have you as a reader!

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  18. Man, am I glad you popped over to my blog yesterday. Because now I am here and digging the laughs and hangin with a fellow germophobe. Girrrrlll, you funny!!

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  19. Dawn- Awww shucks! Stop it some more!!

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  21. Lindsay- I wish I were making that up but nope. Eyebrow dandruff in the work place. It's a real concern.

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  22. You need to post the cookie picture fiasco, so people can see how far you have come along as a domestic diva. I would have to say that your meanderings and analogy of life is quite climatic in nature. Great job!

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  23. Anonymous- Um, is that some sort of sexual innuendo? I ask, simply because, other than offhandedly quoting Forrest Gump and his ramblings on chocolate, I've never had a life analogy. Too much self reflection involved.

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  24. Nothing sexual in nature, more reading your post is stimulating. Your imaginative writing gives your readers /followers a foretaste into your life. Your paroxysm of humor in your blog is potentially seducing. It’s a joie de vivre reading your memoirs.

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  25. Yeah. I can't get passed eyebrow dandruff either.

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  26. All I can say is the steroid lunchable was awesome....and no I didn't just eat it to make Dawn feel better about her cake failure.....but it seem to help....

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  27. My boss once brought a pie to an office potluck that she made while she had PNEUMONIA!! No thank you pneumonia pie!!!!

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