Sunday, June 26, 2011

Who needs Harlequin when you've got E2?

                                     Yup. Bout sums it up.

There was a time in my life when I was athletic and active.  I ran cross country, I played softball, I was a starter on my high school basketball team.  We even got our own pep rally…which I skipped.  But that’s another story entirely.  Once out of school a boyfriend introduced me to snowboarding.  Another, to rock climbing and fly fishing.  Another to tennis…and so it goes.

  Then, I got older, sedentary, discovered World of Warcraft (yeah...just...whatever.  Shut up.) and got married.  I found a job as a personal assistant to a bored househusband.  He was an ex-personal trainer whose wife was extremely successful and had her own personal assistant.  Naturally, he being the important individual that he was, found it imperative that he have his own as well.  The insecure male ego at its best.  But whatev's, it got me a job.

Just one of my random job responsibilities was to wake up at five effing thirty AM to meet him at his gym to work out every blessed morning.  I’m not a morning person and I’m not a breakfast person, but on this first morning, not really knowing what to expect, I thought I should fuel the body with a banana so I had SOMETHING to get me through whatever this “working out” stuff entailed.
If you’ve ever barfed up anything banana, you’ll understand the depth of my loathing for them.  But I would like to point out that I made it a full 45 minutes of sweaty hell before succumbing and burying my head into a public toilet.  That's had sweaty asses on it.  Which made me barf more.

As you can tell, I am no longer athletic.  I literally get winded walking up the stairs from the parking garage to get into my office building.  So, when E2 first invited me to go bouldering with him in Little Cottonwood Canyon, I was rightfully hesitant.    However, I have many fond memories of rock climbing years ago and really, how different can bouldering be?  Oh.  It's very different.  The main difference being, when bouldering, if you fall, you actually HIT.  THE.  GROUND.  There is no harness, no rope or person belaying you to ensure your safety.  Sure, they're shorter climbs and there's a crash pad to break your fall but still.  You're falling to the ground people. 

Oh, p.s.  I'm afraid of heights, and years ago I was constantly having those dreams where you fall off something super duper tall and jerk yourself awake in a cold, sweaty panic.  My point in telling all of this is so you can possibly not judge me for what I'm going to tell you next.  The part where I'm a total chicken shit wiener-fest galore.

We make the short little hike up to where we'll be climbing.  He does a couple of warm up problems which he makes look like cake.  No problem.  Then it's my turn.  I squeeze my feet into my climbing shoes, chalk up my hands and start climbing.  Actually, "climbing" is being too generous.  It was more like a frantic clawing up the side of the rock.  I was just a couple of moves from the top when disaster struck.  I looked down.  I got scared.  And I got stuck.  Scared is too modest.  I was terrified, panicked, and frozen with fear.  This was bad.  This was very bad.  My whole body started quivering and I could feel my muscles starting to give out.  I couldn't go up and I couldn't go back down.  I was freaked out of my gourd and pretty sure I was about to pee myself.  Awesome date E2, thanks so much for bringing me. 

It was beyond obvious I was in trouble.  He quickly scaled up the rock so he was just to the side and slightly under me.  He gave me a little pep talk while I mentally told him to "shut the hell up I'm about to plummet to my doom I can't do this just get me the fuck down!"

"Dawn.  Look at me.  Dawn.  Dawn.  Focus.  Listen to me.  Put your right hand up to that big hold.  Yep.  Right there.  Good.  Now move your right foot up and just to the left of where my hand is.  See that hold?  You can do this.  Just move your foot up."

And I did.  I moved my foot up.  Tried to stand on it with my entire body quaking like an aspen, and immediately slipped and fell.  In the split second it took for me to fall and feel my stomach and all the bile it contained rising in my throat, I just as quickly realized I hadn't hit the ground.  Just as I slipped off, E2 reached out with his left arm, while still clinging to the rock with his right, grabbed me around my waist and saved me from certain death. 


He then tossed me over his shoulder, scaled back down the rock and with my hair blowing in the gentle breeze he carried me back down the mountain to his Tacoma where we made sweet, passionate love on the tailgate and he told me how incredibly brave and exotically beautiful I was.

In reality, he held onto me with his one arm while I got my footing again.  With his guidance I actually made it to the top and nearly vomited with relief while he looked on with disgust at my consummate display of cowardice.  

My brush with death.


  1. First, ouch.

    Second, what's that saying? "It's not the fall that kills you."

    I've done some seriously crazy, and most likely stupid things in my life, but no chance I'll go bouldering.

  2. I liked the first ending best, the one where you had sexy testosterone and adrenaline-fueled sex. Is this like Choose Your Own Adventure?

    P.S. I do not approve of you bouldering. Is this up to a Vote of your readers?

  3. Mad props for going out & trying it. That's more than I could ever do.

    I'm guessing you're never going again, right?

  4. J-Thank God! Although if fear alone could kill you I think we know where I'd be.

    M-*Gasp* I LOVED choose your own adventures!! Whatever happened to those? I'd choose tail gate sex every time! And apologies but this blog is not a democracy.

    A-Thanks but seriously, if I did it, anyone can. And umm....I've actually joined a climbing gym since then. Common sense shall never prevail!!

  5. Hey, thanks for stopping by my little site! Your 'about me' up at the top almost made me spew snot out of my nose from laughing so hard! Ew, gross, right? Don't worry, I won't touch you ;-)

    I really like your blog. Its quite a unique little find. I'll be sticking around!

  6. You nearly spewed snot? Yes!! Now THAT'S a compliment. :) Thanks for taking the time to check out my blog.

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