Sunday, June 19, 2011

Don't know how you do the hoodoo that you do so well...

Yeah, it's a crap photo but you get the idea.

I just realized I never posted about my Easter weekend in April. APRIL! And it’s now JUNE! I have the short term memory of a sieve. That’s been dipped in some sort of corrosive agency. And then left outside to be drenched by acid rain. Which makes for some pretty shoddy memories if I don’t get them down within a reasonable amount of time.

So. Easter weekend had the potential for greatness. We decided to head for Moab where I would finally FINALLY get to wear my flip flops and tank tops in the warm, red desert. I was stoked.

Thinking we could outsmart the rookies, I left work an hour early to avoid rush hour traffic. Apparently only the rookies give themselves a mere hour head start.  The freeways were already congested with trucks and trailers lugging their ATV’s, mountain bikes and whaling boats.

“That’s okay” we told ourselves. It’s bound to thin out once we get out of the city.

Two hours later it hadn’t thinned out. What the hell? It’s Easter weekend. Shouldn’t these people be home celebrating the very reason for Easter with their families? Has the entire nation forgotten what the purpose is? Has anyone even heard of the Bible? It’s very clearly stated in the New Testament, that after Christ rose from the tomb, the masses rejoiced and immediately returned to their homes where much coloring of eggs and getting their children all hopped up on jelly beans and chocolate bunnies commenced. Go back to your homes people!

And then it dawned on me. Easter weekend. Moab. Happens every year. The Moab Easter Jeep Safari. All of these assholes were headed to the very place we were going to get away from all these assholes!

I went a couple of times in my early 20’s and it was an absolute blast. But that was my early 20’s! Over a decade ago! I’m older, my priorities have changed but most of all I’m grumpy and don’t like people. Especially drunk people in their 20’s tooling around the desert in their jacked up jeeps blaring Bob Marley.

Not a deal. We’ll detour over to Bryce Canyon and it will be just as beautiful and serene as we were hoping for.

And it was.

We got there before dark and decided to drive through the park.  There were sweet little deer everywhere! One of the most adorable things I’ve ever seen was a Doe with her little baby Bambi licking his ear and head. The desire to bail out of the truck to go snuggle them both was strong, but the thought of me with Mama Deer hoof prints embedded in my forehead held me back. I don’t have the facial bone structure necessary to pull off hoof prints. Besides…they’re sooo 2009.

We found a camp site and set up shop. Chopped firewood, dinner, drinks, then off to bed with the anticipation of tomorrows adventures in mind. Specifically looking forward to enjoying tomorrows adventures while clad in sleeveless shirts and footwear that don't suffocate my winter weary toes. They need their freedom without the threat of frostbite!

But alas. Once again, it was not to be.

I woke up shivering and grudgingly struggled into my winter hoody…on top of three long sleeved shirts. That’s cool, at least I can still wear my flip flops. Sure it’s a little, okay, really cold, but my little piggy’s haven’t seen the light of day since September of last year. It’s time dammit!

We decided to start the day at Sunrise Point and head down into the Queen’s Garden trail as it’s the least difficult and I really need to ease myself into these things. This was my first trip to Bryce and the view was spectacular. A giant red garden of hoodoos that went for miles. As amazing as this was, it got even better once we actually got down into the canyon.

Well…with one exception. Once on the trail, it was clear my Tevas weren’t going to cut it. Even my old friend Denial wasn't gonna get me through this one.With all the rain the park had been getting, the trails were one big, slippery, muddy pig pen.

It slowed us down quite a bit and I nearly lost my shoe in the quicksand substance but it made it all the more fun.

We were passing a Father with his 4 year old son who was posing by a sign for a picture.

Dad: “Okay, ready? What do you say?”

4 yr old: “Who’s your Daddy?”

*Click* And the legacy lives on.

A little further down the trail E2 had set up his tripod and was waiting in his usual obsessively compulsive way for the light to hit just the right angle on a particular rock formation when an odd little trio come sludging and trudging up behind us. Two overweight, middle aged women with a pudgy, 12 (?) year old boy in tow. They come sliding to a stop, take an unimpressed look around and the older of the two women asks, “Sooooo, what else do they have here besides rocks and tourists taking pictures”?

E2 and I look at each other and do our best to hide our smirks and eye rolling. Maybe just stick with your state fair next time mmkay?

After a full day of hiking, we headed back to camp and snuggled down for a night filled with dreams of sun shiny wonderfulness and cobalt blue skies.  What we awoke to was another story altogether.  Not only was the sun nowhere to be seen but the entire world, yes, WORLD was covered in FOUR EFFING INCHES OF MOTHERHUGGING SNOW.  SNOW!!! 
Luckily I'm one of those rare individuals who can make the best out of any situation and decided I would martyr my way through...somehow.  I'm also blessed with the incredible talent of being able to mask my true emotions.  I slapped on my devil-may-care grin and successfully disguised my true feelings of disappointment and resentment. 
Why, yes, yes I am a sexy camping beast.  Thank you for noticing.

E2 was ecstatic and presented his approval by immediately humping the nearest tree. 

Nature loving hippie.
It really was an absolutely beautiful morning.  Not what I had been hoping for but gorgeous nonetheless. The sun eventually came out and melted the snow away, but not before I was able to demonstrate yet another of my seemingly endless talents.  This medium being the subtle art form of snow sculpture, my tribute to the Easter Bunny.  

The Europeans LOVED me.  Shut up!!
My first snow sculpture attempt of Jesus hiding Easter eggs for the multitudes while noshing on marshmallow peeps proved to be a little more time consuming that I had planned on.  Not that I didn't have the skill set to do so...cause I DID.  We simply ran out of time.


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  2. I went to Bryce Canyon about 15 years ago. It always reminds me of my late stepfather.

    Pardon my deleted comment above. I realized I made a SECOND reference to hiking the Grand Canyon. I think it's clear to both of us that I have little hiking credibility so I might as well give up now and nod empathetically while looking slightly confused.

  3. Great story, and thanks for coming by.

    Did you know when you got with him that he was into dendrophilia? Did he use protection? Splinters, and all.

  4. Mandy- You've HEARD of the Grand Canyon. That alone merits mad hiking cred points, never mind actually hiking it!

    Joshua- I'm a little slow on the uptake. The fact that our first 7 HUNDRED dates involved something to do with the outdoors would have clued most people in. It's cool though, I've got tweezers.

  5. Your "it's f*cking snowing and my face is windburnt" smile is... disturbing. Yet awesome.

    After the tree, did he hump the snowman? Swear to God it was my first thought.

    Also, the pregnancy prank... thanks for the heads up. Now I know if any girl ever shows me such a thing to assume she's joking.

    "Caleb... take a look at this."

    "Ha! I never told you I'm completely sterile, did I? Who you been f*ckin? Huh? Who? Give me a name!!"

    Or, you know, just run away.

  6. He quickly realized that snow and friction don't play well together.

    When it comes to pregnant girlfriends and the fight or flight option...choose flight every time. You've got a purty mouth so I don't think you'd fair too well in jail.