Saturday, May 7, 2011

This Ain't No Food Baby.

Tis the season for procreating. Apparently. What is it about this time of year that gets everyone all crazy and knocked up? Within the last month alone, four individuals I know have presented the world with the screaming, pooping, vomiting, snotting little parasites their bodies have been host to for the last 9 months. Another two have announced their conception. Is it just me, or does this seem excessive? Maybe I’m just jealous. Or maybe it’s my typical shite attitude rearing it’s baby-free head. It’s before noon on a Friday, so really, it’s hard to say.

Regardless, this whole babypalooza thing got me thinking back to my day of baby reckoning.

I had been with my boyfriend at the time for about 8 months. It was after work and we were both at his place. I surreptitiously slunk off to use his bathroom with my purse in hand. I stayed sequestered for a good 5 minutes even though the directions only say 2. There were two very obvious pink lines on that little pee stick of doom.

I was half giddy and half nauseated wondering how he was going to take the news. I pull open the bathroom door and bellow for him. “Shugs! I really need to talk to you. Can you come in here?”

He ambles in and I hand him the stick.

“What’s this?”

I don’t answer. I just look at him and blink. Twice. For good measure.

He looks at the stick. He picks up the box it came in that’s still on the sink.

He looks at the box.

He looks at the stick.

He looks at the box.

He looks at me.

“How did this happen?”

I don’t answer. I just look at him and blink. Once.

“Um. Okay. Okay, uhhh. Um. Okay.”

He then wraps his arms around me and holds me while continuing to stutter.

I suggest we sit down.

He grabs my hand and leads me to the bed where we both lay down and stare at the cracks in the ceiling.

Shugs: “What do you think we should do?”

Me: “Well, you know how I feel about abortion.”

Shugs: “Would you want to keep it? Is adoption even a possibility?”

Me: “Umm…I’m not sure.”

At this point I can’t help but be disappointed in the loving, mature way he’s handling this. Definitely not the shit show I was bracing myself for. I look over at him and notice he’s a slightly alarming shade of gray. *sigh* Ah well. Enough is enough.

“Shugs. It was probably a mistake not being more careful but you know, your even lamer mistake was in failing to remember that today is April Fools. I had my pregnant coworker pee on it.

To this day he has yet to see the humor.

To this day it still makes me giggle.


  1. I'm simply dying over this. Gawd! I wish I could have seen his face. Good on ya!!

  2. A good time had by all. Well, a good time had by me and really...that's the most important thing.

  3. Christ! Is he still your boyfriend? That is a heavy April Fool's gag you pulled?

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  4. ZOMG. That is pure evil. You're kind of my hero now.

  5. 20- Negative. We are no longer a couple but he remains one of my closest friends.

    Mandy- So happy to know I'm not the only one with a twisted sense of humor.

  6. Ha ha ha. This is terrible. I'll have to remember this one for next year.

  7. Bridget- Just be prepared for the aftermath. That's all I'm sayin!