Wednesday, April 27, 2011

I'm A Shareholder Bitches!!!




I have the memory of a slug. I can not for the life of me remember how my narcissistic, egotistical, pompous joke of a coworker came to know about my blog. But he did. And I refused to let him read it. He tried cajoling, striking bargains and flat out threatening me but there was no way in hell I was voluntarily providing him anything he asked.

Last week the company sent me to Las Vegas for a convention. He stayed behind. In my absence he managed to coerce another sweet, innocent coworker into helping him locate said blog. Clearly he is too technologically dysfunctional to do so himself. Not surprising since he has yet to figure out how to print labels for the effing file folders. When forced, he'll hand write them. Archaic barbarian.

Apparently he was a little disheartened and rather dismayed to find out there was no mention of him in my blog. In fact, let me share his disappointment verbatim from the text I received while in Vegas.

"So we read your stupid fuckin blog and it didn't say shit about me, or magic bullets, or enchanted apples. Just a bunch of self righteous blatherings that try to be clever, but aren't and some bullshit about a dude named Jack. I hope you catch a VD there or die from alcohol poisoning, or at the very least get drugged and have your organs removed and sold on the black market. I'll pay double for what's left of your liver."

Isn't he just the little gem? And so Toph, you worthless fetid scab on the ass of humanity, I dedicate this post to you. May you choke on your own hatred and rot.



Not too long ago I was sitting at my desk doing something incredibly important, no doubt, when a tangerine was hurled at me from behind. Luckily, the idiotic fluffer has the athletic ability of a drunken monkey and missed, instead hitting my filing cabinet and splitting the offending citrus, sending juice flying everywhere.

I may, or may not, have used that same tangerine in retaliation. Regardless, I left work only to return the next morning to this incredibly thoughtful gift blatant threat on my life.



This is the type of deranged individual I spend the majority of my days with and who, when asked if this is really the type of thing he uses company time for, responds with "Whatever! I'm a shareholder"! Yeah. He's just that cool.

10 comments:

  1. Toph: 7 You: 1

    Exhibit A:

    "So we read your stupid fuckin blog and it didn't say shit about me, or magic bullets, or enchanted apples. Just a bunch of self righteous blatherings that try to be clever, but aren't and some bullshit about a dude named Jack. I hope you catch a VD there or die from alcohol poisoning, or at the very least get drugged and have your organs removed and sold on the black market. I'll pay double for what's left of your liver."


    Ka-slam. Roasted!

    Pretty sure I like that guy!

    Oh, and send me your apple. I gots uses for it. Wait, that sounded dirty.

    *checks your profile picture*

    Nevermind, I'm cool with that.

    You. Apple. Now.

    Glad to see you back!

    Caleb

    ReplyDelete
  2. I think you need a new social circle. Change of work might be best as well. I was thinking of - well- mean things to say at your co-worker and I was embarrassed with what I came up with even though I was in a car alone. I'm no good at comebacks.

    ReplyDelete
  3. So I went to the post office to mail you the apple, got arrested for domestic terrorism and am now sitting in jail with Big Bertha who is currently undressing me with her eyes.

    Luckily I had the foresight to smuggle my phone in a balloon hidden in my bum which is how I'm able to post this. The down side is, I only had one of those twisty animal balloons so I'll need to enlist the help of Big Bertha to yoink the rest of it out.

    My point is, this is all your fault and I'll need you to use that bacon you already owe me to bail me outta here. I'm late for work.

    ReplyDelete
  4. And little Spazmatic, you are absolutely correct. However, a change of work would require updating the resume. You and I both know laziness and apathy are gonna win out every time.
    And I like your comebacks. They make me laugh. They're usually right up there in impact with "If you can't respect my wishes..."

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  5. OMG! I wish my work had not found out about my blog. I would so write about shit like this again. What a thoughtful text to receive while your out of town - I hope when you got back home you throat punched the SOB first thing and sent him flying.

    Um..that whole post office, arresting, smuggling bits are making me piss myself in the break room at work. I love this post so HARD!

    You are awesome dawn!

    ReplyDelete
  6. Unfortunately Brandy-son, no throat punching. But he has since been nailed with a stress ball in the crotch and had water dumped on him...twice. I WARNED him to stop kicking my chair!
    I think you should work at my office. "If you don't have anything nice to say, come sit by me".

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  7. My co-workers found out about my blog and it resulted in me being put on the agency's Blog Committee. No lie. I may have misspelled "committee" there but I don't see a squiggily line.

    ReplyDelete
  8. What the crap Mandy-Fish? Committee, Comitee, Commi's. Whatever. Basically you get paid to blog!

    ReplyDelete
  9. I get paid to blog about marketing and advertising. Not the same thing as blogging about how to seduce your ex-boyfriend back with a pair of tight pants. One is noble and the other is whoring.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Sure, but tell me again...which is which?

    ReplyDelete