Wednesday, April 27, 2011

I'm A Shareholder Bitches!!!

I have the memory of a slug. I can not for the life of me remember how my narcissistic, egotistical, pompous joke of a coworker came to know about my blog. But he did. And I refused to let him read it. He tried cajoling, striking bargains and flat out threatening me but there was no way in hell I was voluntarily providing him anything he asked.

Last week the company sent me to Las Vegas for a convention. He stayed behind. In my absence he managed to coerce another sweet, innocent coworker into helping him locate said blog. Clearly he is too technologically dysfunctional to do so himself. Not surprising since he has yet to figure out how to print labels for the effing file folders. When forced, he'll hand write them. Archaic barbarian.

Apparently he was a little disheartened and rather dismayed to find out there was no mention of him in my blog. In fact, let me share his disappointment verbatim from the text I received while in Vegas.

"So we read your stupid fuckin blog and it didn't say shit about me, or magic bullets, or enchanted apples. Just a bunch of self righteous blatherings that try to be clever, but aren't and some bullshit about a dude named Jack. I hope you catch a VD there or die from alcohol poisoning, or at the very least get drugged and have your organs removed and sold on the black market. I'll pay double for what's left of your liver."

Isn't he just the little gem? And so Toph, you worthless fetid scab on the ass of humanity, I dedicate this post to you. May you choke on your own hatred and rot.

Not too long ago I was sitting at my desk doing something incredibly important, no doubt, when a tangerine was hurled at me from behind. Luckily, the idiotic fluffer has the athletic ability of a drunken monkey and missed, instead hitting my filing cabinet and splitting the offending citrus, sending juice flying everywhere.

I may, or may not, have used that same tangerine in retaliation. Regardless, I left work only to return the next morning to this incredibly thoughtful gift blatant threat on my life.

This is the type of deranged individual I spend the majority of my days with and who, when asked if this is really the type of thing he uses company time for, responds with "Whatever! I'm a shareholder"! Yeah. He's just that cool.