Monday, November 1, 2010

An e-mail sampling to better understand the intensely crucial role my coworkers and I play in the overall success of our illustrious company.

Me: Finally has her blog up.

Jack: That is an email address, not a website.

Me: I know numbnuts. Just delete the @ and add a .

Jack: I hate you. But thanks.

Me: 158 my ass. (Supposedly his IQ but I have my suspicions)

Jack: What do you mean? I thought you lost your ass?

Me: Wow. Please tell me you’re purposely being retarded.

Jack: I don’t really know what else to say to you, so I resort to insults and half-brained comments that make you wonder if I am retarded. If I could go back in time to the first week that I knew you, then I would tell myself to kick you back when you kicked me at lunch and thus ending our friendship before it started.

And yes...I really did kick him in the shin on his first day. Big effing deal!

Me: Well then, I guess it’s just too bad for you that you can’t travel back in time my dear little retarded friend.

Jack: Or can’t I?

Me: I’m the brain. You’re pinky. So no, you cannot.

Jack: Eff that. I understand the duality of light and the possibilities of quantum physics which makes it possible to be in two separate locations at once and how String theory is the proposed theory of everything and connects the 11 dimensions of space, not just the 3 that you are used to. I understand the theory behind Schrodinger’s Cat and Occam’s Razor. I can use the Drake formula to calculate the probabilities of life on another planet.

So that makes you pinky and I’m the brain.

Unless you can quickly tell me what the square root of negative 1 is, without using the internet and cheating, then I will relent and say that you are the brain.

Me: That’s a trick question and you know it! Numbers and letters were never meant to mix!

Jack: How does the square root of negative 1 have any letters?

The square root of 9 is 3, because 3 times 3 equals 9.

So now tell me what the square root of negative 1 is?

Me: It’s i you dick.

Jack: You cheated. There is NO way that you knew that, nor do you know what i stands for.

Me: A number has a square root only if it’s positive. i is the number that is the square root of -1. Isnt that what you just asked? I don’t understand what you’re getting at here. I DO know some things you effing toolbag.

Jack: No. Negative numbers have some combination of i in them. The square root of -4 is 2i

I am still calling BS on this one and not giving you credit for it.

And you still did not answer my question of what i stands for?

I know that if I were up there right now, you would have the stupid cheesy grin on your face as you tried to play this off as if you knew it all along and then I would know for sure that you were lying to me. Just like your poker face.

Me: I totally did have that stupid grin on my face and I hate you intensely right now.
It stands for imaginary unit. Fag.

Jack: Thank you. Lesbo.