Sunday, February 28, 2010

Sobriety? I didnt know that was an option.


I've been drinking on and off since I was 22. And yes, the drinking has been mostly on for the last 8 years. I like drinking. I like the way that first sip slides down your throat and warms you all the way to your belly. I like the taste of it. I like that it mellows me out. I like that it improves my mood and makes me happier. I like that things are funny and laughing comes more easily. I like going to the bar with coworkers for an after work cocktail. I like drinking at poker night and going all in with hands that should be folded. I like self medicating with alcohol and I don't want to stop.

Unfortunately there are quite a number of things that my favorite person in the world doesn't like about my drinking habits. In the two years that I've known him he's never asked me to change anything about myself. He's asking me to change this. He said the future of our relationship depends on it.
"Fine" I said. "Done. No big deal". Except once again...it IS a big deal. While telling him it won't be a problem, I'm wondering who is going to convince me of this? The entire gamut of emotions was felt in about 60 seconds. Guilt that it had to come to this. Resentment that he's even asking me to give up something I enjoy. Anger that I have to do this when he has his own addictions he gets to keep. Panic over whether or not I'll be able to do it. Anxiety about upcoming social gatherings. We already have our St. Patrick's Day plans. What kind of redheaded Irish lass doesn't DRINK on St. Patrick's Day? I hate social gatherings sober. I don't do well in crowds and especially crowds that are drunk when I'm not.

So while all of these thoughts and feelings are flooding through me right after I agreed to stop that day, he pipes up with, "I don't believe you. I don't believe you can do it".

Um. WHAT? That pissed me off. Thanks for your vote of confidence. That little statement of his pretty much sealed the deal. I would quit just to prove him wrong. And now, thinking back on the conversation, that may have been his intent all along. He's a little mind ninja and instead of out right threatening me with his mad nun-chuck skills, he's using the more refined, smoke bomb the crap out of her and confuse her already muddled little brain, technique.

Nah. I'm giving him way too much credit here.

So it's been 6 of the longest days of my life. I'm sure one day I'll thank him for this. But it sure as hell isn't today.