Monday, June 28, 2010

Will the ignoramus please step forward.

I got an e-mail from Google Apps today reminding me to renew my domain registration. It brought to mind a conversation I had with a lovely gal I met at a little house shin dig not too long ago. I was in the kitchen leaning against the counter top pretending not to be there (have I mentioned what a social reject I am?) when this couple walks in for refills chatting about the whole blogging phenomenon and how it's completely out of control and who cares what so-and-so made for dinner the night before anyway. They both stop when they notice me standing there. I quickly avert my eyes and pray my kitchen counter camouflage skin suit will activate. They'll blame their hallucination on their recent dance with MaryJane and never even realize they were in the presence of a super ninja!
Not this time.
The dude, who reeked of spray tan, (trust me, I know this smell from multiple experiences. What? A redhead's gotta try!) and who could clearly see me asked "Do you blog?"
Me- "Uhh yeah."
Spray Tan- "What's your blog about?"
Me- "Nothing in particular. Just whatever I feel like writing at the moment."
That's when his lady friend joins in. She had this bleached blonde hair with dark roots and a painfully teased hair bump in back. A Utah standard.
Blondie pipes in with "What's the name of your blog?"
Me- Suppressing a sigh "Vapid Vixen."
Blondie- "Huh. Vapid Vixen. You must think you're pretty hot shit."
If only I had that oh-so-coveted skill of raising one eyebrow Sean Connery style, this would have been the time. Instead they both raise simultaneously giving me the appearance of just looking surprised.
Me-"Come again?"
Blondie-"You consider yourself a Vixen."
I look over at Spray Tan and he just shrugs. Such a pretty couple they made.
At this point it was clear to me that she had sacrificed one too many brain cells to the hair dye. I patted her on her adorable little hair bump and walked away.

2. Without liveliness or spirit; dull or tedious.

2. An ill-tempered or quarrelsome woman.

Dearest Blondie,

If, by some crazy cosmic coincidence you happen upon my blog, I would like to impart a smidgen of wisdom I've picked up over the years. In the future, if attempting to insult a perfect stranger, while drunk, no less, please ensure that you know WHAT THE EFF YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.

hot as shit Vapid Vixen


  1. I'll tell you what, if I had been there I would have given her the eyebrow because I can do it better than anyone I know even Mr. Connery himself (ok, not really). Besides giving her the brow I would have put my foot up her ass.

  2. And that, oh Brandy-son, is why you're the coolest!

  3. Amen.
    The old saying "Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill them" comes to mind....

  4. Dear "Hot as Shit" Vapid Vixen:

    I concur..U R Hot as Shit! I applaud you for your restraint, as I would have B slapped her! Hugs and Smooches, Rebel

  5. Griffin-this is a saying I think I need to engrave on my cubicle wall. Rebella-Hugs & smooches back atcha my hot sex sista!

  6. Hi there. Remember me? You told me to add you on facebook.

  7. You are cluelessly hot. That's the best kind of hot. I don't mean to make you super jealous, but I can totally raise one eyebrow.

  8. You are officially now my new favorite person.

  9. I keep getting emails about spam posts to this entry. Are you sleeping them?