Sunday, July 26, 2009

Full Tilt Confessions


It has recently come to my attention, through a personal epiphany, that I have a serious problem. Poker whore may be a little harsh but I've most definitely become addicted.
Thanks, or no thanks, to my best friend Steele who introduced me to this composite world of utter elation and absolute crushing defeat. He has given me complete, unrestricted access to his online account with Full Tilt Poker. That was about a month ago. Through his own playing he had managed to amass a small fortune with which to play. 90,000 chips actually. But now, thanks to my staggering poker skills, he is down to exactly 287 chips. *sigh* He doesn't know it yet and I'm not telling him. I'm secretly hoping he'll just forget that he gave me his password and accept it as fact when I tell him Full Tilt deducts chips from your account every day you don't log in and play.
To my credit though, I have done reasonably well...twice. There are 90 players at the start of each tournament and I've placed 9th and 6th on two separate occasions, both of which you receive a payout. Okay, sure those payouts were blown within the hour but really...who's counting? Besides Steele.
There is just something so exciting when you're doing well and have a good hand. The other night I had already guzzled down 2 and a half glasses of wine and simply HAD to pee. I couldn't bear the thought of sitting out a hand when things were looking so promising. I was the table chip leader after all!!!! So I sat in agony, crossing and uncrossing my legs praying for that little 4 min break message to pop up. Just as I was contemplating peeing in my Gatorade bottle (what? It was the wide mouth kinda bottle) up popped my salvation. Four minutes and counting!! I run to the bathroom, sit down, and sigh with relief. That relief soon turns to concern as I realize this is the LONGEST PEE OF MY LIFE! How is it humanly possible to hold this much liquid in one little bladder? I'm not gonna make it back in time! I start pushing trying to make myself pee faster. Why the hell haven't I invested in a catheter? Hurry Hurry Hurry! Annnnnnnd DONE! I have the broke ass kind of toilet where you have to hold down the handle until the entire bowl of water has swirled down and out of the toilet or else the paper...and whatever else you deposited just floats back up. No time for that nonsense. Pocket aces could very possibly be waiting for me. I have to get back. I just peed. I have to wash my hands. But really, how bad is to not wash your hands? I'm sure back in the day before germ killers and antibacterial this and that came along people weren't constantly washing their hands and they were just fine. Or is that how the Bubonic Plague started? Wait, no that was something to do with the fleas on rats. Whatever, no need to start a hepatitis outbreak. Gotta wash.
Finally back to the game with almost a minute to spare. Please give me a good hand please!! Pocket kings suited!! That's right! You all can suck it!!!!!!!!!!!! All in baby! Wait, what's this? Adolpho7 shows a pair of aces? What the hell? Aaaaand I'm out. Damn you Adolpho7. Damn you to hell.

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