Saturday, December 26, 2009

Ingrate Incarnate


The older I get the more I realize that Christmas is not a good holiday for singles. We don't have significant others to plan around, no children for the grandparents to dote on. We tend to get lost in the shuffle and are asked to show up when it's convenient for everyone else. Why does this sting a little? It shouldn't even matter. It's a holiday that revolves around family, which is precisely why it used to be my second favorite. This year it has dropped to somewhere in between Valentine's Day and Arbor Day, neither of which even count as real holidays and therefore don't even merit a real rating. This year, my family seems like it's...I don't know the word...fractured? My sister moved to Nova Scotia earlier this year along with my nephew, niece and brother-in-law. My brother volunteered to work on Christmas preventing my other nephew from coming on Christmas Day. My other sister, her husband and my youngest nephew spent Christmas and the day after with his family. So that left my parents and myself. Needless to say, they opted to change Christmas this year to Sunday December 27th so my youngest sister and my brother could make it. December 25th was spent sleeping, staring vacantly into the fridge, watching T.V. and staring into the fridge some more, hoping different food options had magically appeared since the last time I checked. They hadn't. I even looked online and called up four different homeless shelters hoping I could volunteer. Not out of the goodness of my heart or a love for my fellowman or to be able to share with my coworkers on Monday what a selfless individual I was for giving up my Christmas to help those less fortunate that I. No. It was out of sheer boredom. However, they turned me down. They were booked solid with help from volunteers which was surprising but also heartwarming to know there are that many people willing to serve on Christmas...and for the right reason!
My best friend Steele was kind enough to invite me to share in his family's Christmas celebrations and I stopped by to drop off a couple of gifts but didn't stay. He has an amazing family and I love them. They've always welcomed me into their home with hugs and food and treated me with warmth and kindness. I couldn't stay. It made me homesick for my family which was an odd feeling since I wasn't away for the holidays this year. I have no way to describe it other than it made me incredibly dejected and melancholy.
I know how fortunate I am to have a family that loves me unconditionally. They know about all the crappy decisions I make and admonish me accordingly...what kind of family would they be if they didn't at least attempt to keep me on the straight and narrow? I have amazing friends that know what a social retard I am and love me despite my many many faults. My phone was blowing up yesterday with phone calls and text messages wishing me well and it made me feel loved and special. Christmas overall was a colossal disappointment for me and I would have done well to keep in mind the entire reason for it, but I missed my family and I wallowed in that self indulgent pity like a spoiled little brat.

So it turned out to be just like any other day except that everyone I knew was busy and the only stores open were 711. Thank goodness I'm a fan of those delightful taquito's.

Monday, December 14, 2009

She's Going The Distance...or not.


I was going through some boxes of stuff tonight and came across my journal from the last six years. Yeahhh. I didn't write in it all that often. But I found the entry where I had decided that since I never finished college, the only logical career path would be to become a real estate agent. It was in August of 2007 that I was writing about being on the "home stretch" to becoming licensed.
Huh. I have now been on that home stretch for the last two years and four months. In all reality I guess you could say I reached the home stretch, paused to throw back some celebration drinks, projectile vomited celebratory drinks and then promptly passed out on said home stretch.
I remember this. My husband at the time and I were having a lot of problems and I just simply stopped caring. My desire was gone. I remember everyone at the real estate office I was working for at the time kept asking if I was licensed yet. That was the only reason I even considered continuing with it. Dedication? Motivation? A sense of accomplishment? Nawww. I just didn't want everyone at the office thinking I was a dumb ass.

Sunday, November 22, 2009

Screw You Ten & Two!


I suppose it's time to admit it's really winter. I know, not officially until December 21st but when it's snowing out like it is right now, in my book that qualifies as bloody stupid winter. Fully aware that last statement made me sound like a total juvenile but I simply don't care.
I know a lot of people right now are so excited for the snow and all the fun snow adventures just waiting to happen. Sure, me too. Bring on the snow angels, the snowball fights, snow boarding, the amazing snow covered mountains and the surreal Christmas wonderland Utah becomes every season. It's beyond beautiful. I get it.

What I DONT get, is how to drive in the crap. I learned how to drive in Florida for hells sake. Bring on the rainy season with the torrential down pours. I can maneuver out of hydroplaning like I was Danica Patrick.
SNOW, on the other hand, is a whole other two hour drivers ed video I was never privy to. Last winter I spent my commute in a rear wheel drive BMW. Any idea how a rear wheel drive vehicle handles in the slippery slushy wintery snow? No need to raise your hand cause the answer is, IT DOESN'T!!! I work in downtown Salt Lake City which, I know, isn't really a city at all but there sure were quite a number of other cars for me to slide into every morning. As soon as I would start the car up I could feel my heart start to race with the anxiety of what I knew was coming. It was a struggle just to stay in my lane. I had a death grip on the steering wheel so tight my knuckles were white. Sliding around that first curve coming up the on-ramp to enter the freeway I would break out into a cold sweat. Once on the freeway I would chant out loud "10 and 2. Tried and true. 10 and 2. Tried and true." It was my own personal mantra and I was positive if I stopped saying it I would meet with certain doom in the form of sliding off the road and having to hike in 4" heels, in snow, to safety. Thus, I would periodically check my hand placement mid chant to ensure that they were indeed at 10 and 2 since my grip was so tight I couldn't really feel the steering wheel any longer. But I knew the worst was yet to come. The parking garage. My winter nemesis. You really don't pay much attention to slight inclines that lead into parking structures...until those slight inclines are all that's standing between you and the safe, warm security of sitting nice and cozy at your desk with the space heater cranked to full capacity. And no, I'm not the only one who trips the breakers thank you very much.
This is where the slow and steady approach has failed me one too many times. Never even made it half way with slow and steady. There was no question of relinquishing my 10 and 2 death grip however. I'd sit at the bottom, take a deep breath, and floor it. With the tires spinning I would fishtail my way up that damn slope and hope not to slam into the gate before the arm had time to go all the way up. Every damn glacially frigid morning.

But not this year. This year is gonna be different. My new mantra is gonna be "Who needs you, 10 and 2?" while driving footloose and fancy free. I'll probably even listen to the radio and if I feel like only keeping one hand on the steering wheel, possibly at the 12 o'clock position, by golly I'm darn well going to. If I had ever had any doubts of God's existence (which, just for the record I haven't) I know he loves me for the simple creation of four wheel drive. So long worthless BMW. Hellooooo JEEP!

Monday, October 26, 2009

An Apology To My Taste Buds


A funny thing happened on the way to the forum...
Okay, not really but a funny thing DID happen while waiting in line at the liquor store in la casa de azúcar. Whatever, the sugar house liquor store. I don't know why I thought it would sound cooler in Spanish, cause it didn't.
I get to the counter and clunk down my $9.00 bottle of Gilbey's Gin. I haven't even pulled out my debit card yet when from behind me I hear an acutely disdainful voice saying "Ugh! How can anyone stand to drink that shit?" Followed by an equally repulsed mutter "Dude, I know. It tastes like pine sol flavored paint thinner that's been strained through a dirty sock".
I can feel my face reddening with embarrassment but I simply HAVE to turn around to see who my hecklers are. I turn to my side and glance over my shoulder and see two very tanned, leathery faces with sunken in cheeks and perhaps 8 teeth...between the both of them. And that's when I am assaulted by the smell. Imagine your brothers dirty laundry that was left near an open window while it rained and then left for a week...and then rolled through dog pee. And then left for another week. Yeah. That should do it.
I turn back around to pay for my gin while attempting to take small sips of air through my mouth. Horse poo would have been a welcome aroma right about then.
I grab my brown paper sack and hightail it outta there while trying to wrap my head around the fact that two, clearly homeless men, have just judged my choice of alcohol. What the hell? You know it's time to make some possible amendments and apologies to your severely mistreated taste buds when even the homeless refuse to imbibe in your swill of choice.

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Oh, Absolutely. Wait...REALLY?


Soooo yeah. October 1st will be my two year mark with the company I am currently working for. Two years people! That is monumental for me. I think the longest run I've ever had was three years and that was only because I was promoted and got my very own minions to boss around. Okay, lets be honest, it's because I was too lazy to update my resume.

On August 7th I got written up by my superior at work. It was on a Friday so it didn't have the potential for devastation that it could have had. It was Friday after all. My brain basically shuts down Thursday afternoon around 2:00pm. If she had broken it to me on a Monday, yeah, that would have sucked. It's the start of a whole new week after all. And a Tuesday? Oh the humanity! Just bust my kneecaps with a bat and get it over with. No good has ever come on a Tuesday. But, as it happens, she has a heart and did it on August 7th, a Friday.
So she pulls out copies of my time sheets. From the last six months. Six months being half a year. In half a year I have not been on time or put in a full 40 hours. Apparently that's a problem here at the PDC. How was I to know they actually EXPECT a person to keep those sort of hours? Fine. Whatever. The economy is in the crapper at the moment (thank you Captain Obama) so I'll play by your rules. 8:00-5:00 Monday through Friday. Oh, absolutely I can do that. No big deal.

Except it IS a big deal!!! I have been on this schedule for 17 days now and IT IS A BIG DEAL!!! I can not believe they expect me to keep this shit up indefinitely!! Eight AM. As in morning. As in have to get up at SEVEN AM to get there on time. Which is EIGHT. There's only so much Starbucks can do for me, ya know? And the biggest size they'll give you is a Venti. 20 lousy ounces of jump-start. Really? That's the best you can do for me??
So now I'm up to $25 a week just so I can function for a few hours. I don't make enough to spend that much on food AND caffeine. Life is all about choices. Wanna bet which is the priority?

Thank you venti hazelnut latte for helping me keep my job. I like to consider it an investment in my future.
Best $25 ever spent.

Sunday, July 26, 2009

Full Tilt Confessions


It has recently come to my attention, through a personal epiphany, that I have a serious problem. Poker whore may be a little harsh but I've most definitely become addicted.
Thanks, or no thanks, to my best friend Steele who introduced me to this composite world of utter elation and absolute crushing defeat. He has given me complete, unrestricted access to his online account with Full Tilt Poker. That was about a month ago. Through his own playing he had managed to amass a small fortune with which to play. 90,000 chips actually. But now, thanks to my staggering poker skills, he is down to exactly 287 chips. *sigh* He doesn't know it yet and I'm not telling him. I'm secretly hoping he'll just forget that he gave me his password and accept it as fact when I tell him Full Tilt deducts chips from your account every day you don't log in and play.
To my credit though, I have done reasonably well...twice. There are 90 players at the start of each tournament and I've placed 9th and 6th on two separate occasions, both of which you receive a payout. Okay, sure those payouts were blown within the hour but really...who's counting? Besides Steele.
There is just something so exciting when you're doing well and have a good hand. The other night I had already guzzled down 2 and a half glasses of wine and simply HAD to pee. I couldn't bear the thought of sitting out a hand when things were looking so promising. I was the table chip leader after all!!!! So I sat in agony, crossing and uncrossing my legs praying for that little 4 min break message to pop up. Just as I was contemplating peeing in my Gatorade bottle (what? It was the wide mouth kinda bottle) up popped my salvation. Four minutes and counting!! I run to the bathroom, sit down, and sigh with relief. That relief soon turns to concern as I realize this is the LONGEST PEE OF MY LIFE! How is it humanly possible to hold this much liquid in one little bladder? I'm not gonna make it back in time! I start pushing trying to make myself pee faster. Why the hell haven't I invested in a catheter? Hurry Hurry Hurry! Annnnnnnd DONE! I have the broke ass kind of toilet where you have to hold down the handle until the entire bowl of water has swirled down and out of the toilet or else the paper...and whatever else you deposited just floats back up. No time for that nonsense. Pocket aces could very possibly be waiting for me. I have to get back. I just peed. I have to wash my hands. But really, how bad is to not wash your hands? I'm sure back in the day before germ killers and antibacterial this and that came along people weren't constantly washing their hands and they were just fine. Or is that how the Bubonic Plague started? Wait, no that was something to do with the fleas on rats. Whatever, no need to start a hepatitis outbreak. Gotta wash.
Finally back to the game with almost a minute to spare. Please give me a good hand please!! Pocket kings suited!! That's right! You all can suck it!!!!!!!!!!!! All in baby! Wait, what's this? Adolpho7 shows a pair of aces? What the hell? Aaaaand I'm out. Damn you Adolpho7. Damn you to hell.